─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────nektar | thea paislee | female (♀)
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it's quite silly of my to call this jealousy, but i was jealous
..green with envy, spite, resentful it was a ridiculous noti
on though in retrospect and eveyone was right to think st
range of me. because i was jealous of the world, jealous
of life.. and especially jealous of the plants. they were ju
st so beautiful, living peacefully, in harmony with not a c
are in the world but their natural order of nature pulling
them. it wasn't fair, how was it that something like us had
to endure the daily struggles of life whilst something muc
h more beautiful got the easy route. i despised the gentle
touch of color that ladden the land, white lillies, red rose
s, green ferns, yellow tulips. it just wasn't fair, how do th
ey get to live in peace and harmony while my own existen
ce had to be filled with the trials and tribulations of what
we call 'life'. we are both children of earth but the world
nurtures and craddles one aspect of life other the other. i
suppose it is what we get for being intulectuals and gainin
g the ability of thought which placed hate and greed and
vile ideals into our hearts. so i was jealous, maybe i still a
m but have come to terms with it in a sense. but oh how i
wished to be a flower, spending the lazy summer afternoo
ns being bathed by sunlight, the kisses of a foriegn wind w
ould dance among my petals though perhaps in a vegitativ
e state such as that and flower would not think anything o
f the wind, or the sun, or the rain. perhaps they would no
t even acknowledge their neighboring flowers or their sist
er seedlings.. for they cannot think, they cannot breathe,
they are on an automatic system as to where they grow th
en spread their seedlings, that is their life. empty, if they
were to have thought, they would feel empty, unfulfilled.
lost, in a sense, living in beautiful silence and when they
wilt and die away, it is quietly tragic.. [ 357 ]
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when those close to me asked me what was wrong, i told
them the truth. some laughed, some gave me a strange lo
ok and a few others asked if i've been to see a therapist fo
r these feelings. i knew they wouldn't understand what wa
s going through my mind, i don't believe anyone ever wou
ld or they just didn't want to pry any futher into my mind
s eye. it was wrong of me to even mention anything and n
ow they think strange of me and look at me differently, sp
eak differently, detatch themselves. such a trivial thing fo
r us.. us with so much potential and so much knowledge t
hat the slightest thing off with someone sets us on alert m
ode and we treat that one being differently then we had p
reviously. loyalties change so very quickly, for if you have
money then you have 'friends', though some know that as
long as they are rich in family they needent anything else.
as for the flowers waving in the spring breeze in my backy
ard, they would not care anymore or anyless what anyone
thought of them. their loyalties would not change, their
mannor would not change, they would not seek out those
with power. they just sit and grow and do as they have al
ways done, exist in beautiful silence. we pluck them and
pick them and snip them and put them in a pretty vase to
eventually die with mal care. but they do not hate us any
more or anyless.. they do not care.. i am envious of their
ability to just not care. jealous of their beauty, grace, ho
w everyone loves them even though they hold no power o
r status, they are not rich nor are they poor. they are sim
ply flowers. you can do as you wish with them, raise them
sell them, gift them. burn them, throw them away, every
thing and anything. they will not talk back, they will not b
elittle you, they will not think of you as a disgrace, they
will not judge you. they just won't care. [ 357 ]
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i lay there still and quiet, nothing disturbed me. not
the tickle in my ear. not the distant sounds of creat
ures. not the running of the water. not the crackin
g of the wood. not the pounding of my heart. not t
he silence in my head. there was nothing more and
nothing less than me, myself, and i. the world was
at peace, in it of itself. it sang me a soft tune as i l
ay there. the soft grass swayed around my body, th
e green tips flicking at my feet, my arms, my legs,
my finger tips, my ears. they did not disturb me for
i knew it was the world only being playful. a flower
danced into my vision next, she sand along with her
sisters. a song that her mother taught her. she did
not disturb me for i knew it was the world rejoicing
in the sun.
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