by ♥ mizu » Wed Apr 02, 2025 2:31 pm
having a crush is absolutely the worst. i believe it's unreciprocated but it's so early i don't know and like. he's so nonchalant. but, genuinely, i hate crushing on people. i've lost all interest in my hobbies. i can draw still, sure, but it's all sad stuff, for some reason. i cannot bring myself to feel happy. i'm just anxious. i haven't worked on my ocs in so long, which is something i really enjoy. i just prettied up my phone, which felt really nice + it looks so cute, but i've done no homework. i'm just consumed by anxiety. all day at school i run at 100%. even during my spare period, i can't wind down and nap. one of my classmates said i'm "doing too much", which actually really hurt but kind of helped me wind myself down. i'm still hurt by it, i don't know. all i ever do is annoy people. i'm so loud and obnoxious, even my teacher had to tell my friend and i to stop making so much noise - which rarely happens. there's no way he likes me and i feel like, if he likes anyone, it's my friend. i don't feel like i'm "not good enough" to be loved, but i don't feel authentic. i feel so giggly and anxious that i just can't be myself. and trying to enjoy my hobbies feels fruitless. genuinely, horses have been my only comfort throughout this. i love horses.