user: LokisTrick
Tristan
“In one hand I hold a sword made of the worst days of my life, the indignity, the shame, the self-recrimination. I fall upon it readily, no one need guide me to it. I am all to quick to shoulder the blame, to call myself lesser. I must master this sword, accept that my sadness and doubt tempered the metal, breath through my pain and wield it. Then, without denial, without cruelty or prejudice, allow myself to lower it's glinting blade. Life will not wait for me, and every moment spent in agony merely sharpens the sword in my hands.
In front of me lies the path I choose to walk, it leads to where I want to be. I seek the holy grail, some say, do you know what it represents? Perfection. To never fail, to never hurt, to never let another tear fall because of thoughtless words. And yet the more I walk this path, the sharper my sword grows. Perfection is unattainable, and it is not what I truly search for. Instead, it is a sweet poison that permeates my thoughts. "If I am only perfect, I can have what I desire most in this world." Love. It sounds trite, to some. Many relate, but few attain what I seek. What does it mean, to love oneself? Is it possible to truly know ourselves, or do we miss the tree for the leaves?
I seek love, to love myself, to love another, and to be loved in return. Perfection claims my answers lie there, but I have learned better. ”
Tristan set the pen aside, willing herself to commit the words to memory. “I have learned better.” She whispered. Perfection was a lie, it offered an ideal, but it was unreachable. “I have learned better.” She repeated, louder now. She had courage, despite her fear. She loved that about herself, her dedication, her willingness to overcome. Maybe he could love that about her too. “I will never know if I don’t try. In the end, I only lose a possibility.”
But what if you are wrong?
What if this isn’t the right time?
What would you do without him?
You could be better.
Tristan shook her head, and took a deep breath. The words pulled up all the painfulness of rejection, all her fears of loss, all the loneliness of her past.
“I don’t need him to be happy, I love myself and I am happy with myself.”
I love him
a small, sad voice whispered.
“Yes, I do.” Tristan smiled, and remembered how happy they were together, the feeling of connection, the look in his eyes when he told her about his time deep in the wilderness.
“I love him, and that doesn’t have to hurt me.”
“I love him, and if he doesn’t love me, that’s okay.”
“I love who I am,”
she said, remembering the glinting sword she carried with her, and the path she walked to get here,
“and I am enough.”
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