TheComfortCorner | V.9

[the folly of man]

hahaha why am i like this

SO
1: i became friends with someone and im sure its gonna end in disaster because they tend to cause trouble
2: i get attached too easily and now im never gonna let go
3: my other friend is going through some crap rn and i cant do anything to help them?? and i really wish i could???
4: why did that hecking group have to come and yknow,, scar me for life??? now im constantly scared that they're gonna come back and ruin my life all over again
5: i dont want this person to not feel welcome in my home but i cant help it i have social anxiety im scared of him
6: and haha there's always that ridiculous fear that someone's gonna fall in love with me again and im gonna upset them a whole lot again and i really dont want that to happen again please please no that was terrible the first time and i want it to be the only time even though i wish it never happened in the first place
7: i really do want love though!! its one of the things i want most!! i just,, dont fall in love with people over the internet,, its not something i do. and im heteromantic hh-
8: lost two cats within less than a month. yay fun.
theres even more but i dont know if i should say it for reasons but yeah haha fun times am i right

[TwilightBard]

I keep getting ideas in my head for art, but whenever I try to actually create them, it ends in disaster or nothing like how I thought it would turn out. I just want to impress people, but I still need to improve, and my mind just can't handle that. I often just feel like giving up on it completely.

[mean&gay]

oh damn it's d~y~s~p~h~o~r~i~a time.
such a pretty word for something so,,, bleh.
i feel absolutely foul.

[fairywren]

told my mum a couple weeks ag oabout my ~concerns~ for my toxicity and she said that she'd arrange for me to see someone; turns out that someone is a COUPLES COUNSELLOR who specialises in YOUNG PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF LIFE.

i have been feeling numb for four years and i cut and burn and do all silly little things like that and i srtill get panic attacks despite not having anxiety amd i'm not even going to touch the grief trauma (except for whenever i even mention it, you always bring up my dad who i never got a chance to truly know. why do you always think that marie's death had no place in my life? why do you always think that one of my best friends dying meant NOTHING to me?).

i guess i just can't get over it, y'know? a couples counsellor. A COUPLES COUNSELLOR. jesus christ, why would i ever want a counsellor? i want those meds to help me make more happy juice, please. counsellors can't even prescribe, right? i needd to learn more but i don't know how to feel about this.

i have a massive headache and tears are welling up in my eyes and im typing this, sure, but i mea n nothing by it. maybe i;m just deeply distraught? distressed? but i can't FEEL IT i can just feel my HEAD POUNDING and BLOOD BURNING and I NEED TO MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE or all of my muscles will SHRIVEL UP AND DIE and it's all too much i hate this so damn much i hate this dummy body but theres nothing i can do and im so, so sick and

mjaybe it is my fault? i didn't stress enough how crashy, burny i am? i already have medical clearance to see a psychologist from last year, it's fine, no hassle becuase the shrink didn't officially clear me, i just stopped gooing because he was... bad. he did nothing for me. i'd say 'matt, i'm too scared to walk across the room to put a snapped pencil in the bin beacuse i don't want peiple to look at me' and he'd say 'ever read nietsche?' okay, yeah, thanks for appealing to my interests or whatever but ?? wasn't what i was there for??

anyway,
out of the two psychologists i've had, thye both haven't done anything for me because i didn't want to be there and was, y'know, generally inco-operative. now i finally want to see someone and you've saddled me yp with a couples counsellor in their 60s.

thanks
i'm going to do something dumb tonight
i can feel it

edit: In addition to a counselling service, [redacted] offers Expressive Arts Therapy group workshops held in your community on an evening or over a weekend. A program would be developed in collaboration with your group and designed to meet your group's particular needs.

:/ i'm going to go anyway, to see if i;n majing a big deal out of nothing, but... well, who knows :) maybe i'll enjoy being treated like a four year old after all :)

[symbols]

"What is wrong with you?"
Me: "Yes."

[hiero]

I.. don't even ... know where to start... first I get yelled at for things that aren't even my fault.. then I get called names I won't repeat... then my mother takes everything I love away from me (my guitars, my books, my cameras, you get it) and says it will help me feel better .... so now I am just sitting in an empty room typing this on my school laptop that isnt even supposed to go on things that arent for school.... my father wants to emancipate me and throw me out into the street.. my mother called me out on something ive known for years but never wanted to hear out loud, that many of the problems in my life are a direct result of my grandmother dying almost ten years ago.. I am so unhappy.. I never feel happy and now I don't have access to what I do love.. I've spent the past four years pondering why I even continue with anything, and tonight I think very hard about that... all of this simply because I was forgotten at school by my father and I called to get him to pick me up and he got mad that he had to go back out.... I really feel sick.. but I also feel so empty... what is there? what does it matter. it doesn,t. school is my only escape. I want my guitar but I cant even have that......

[Shiny Sylveon]

Nobody returned my wallet. Someone stole it and has all of my information, from my license to SSN to medical insurance info. At least they can't use my money on my card.

[halo7]

lol i already ruined everyone in my family's day i mean i'm not surprised

[fairywren]

had the counsellor appointment today. first thing she did was bring out a big wad of paper and a bunch of sharpies. i am not a visual person in any way shape or form. will not go back:).

i'm kind of unsure now though? i barely remember anything from my last two (proper) psychologists because my dummy mind has blocked out 2013-2017, even some 2018 so if this is what the experience will be, i'm not sure if i want it? i told the counsellor i wanted help in sorting out my blocked out trauma from an emotionally... i don't know, i guess abusive? from an emotionally abusive relationship + dad's death because in my mind, that's how i'll let myself feel again? if i stop holding myself back?

she got the paper + pens out and asked me to draw circles of everyone i'm in contact with in my life... lady, i'm not lonely. i have a massive support system and that's not why i was there. was very confused. will everyone be like that? will everyone ask me about my social experiences, even though my trauma stemmed from

a) me being a dumbass who was too afraid to say no and that was taken advantage of
b) not dealing with grief properly, TWICE. :(

i just... i just... i know what i want. i want to live. i want to feel. i want to have my blood boil and it mean something, my tears well up in my eyes because i'm sad. but how do i get there? what if unblocking the experiences will just send me down another suicidal spiral that i could actually 'achieve'? what if i'm not ready, and that's why i'm so unsure about this; my brain giving me chemicals that make it so i'm unsure because it knows that i can't handle what i've been through?

besides, anyway, my experiences are nothing compared to anyone elses? sure i have triggers and stuff but grief and the 'emotional abuse' might've just been stuff i made up for me to feel special?

oh myu god, no thats a disgusting thought. what i went through shouldnt be comparend or underestimated because pain is subkective. what c did to me was horrible and left me with some more issues during an already dark time
but i can't blame her

c. i know you'll never read this. but i hope your'e happy now. it was a bad time for us all and you needed someone to take out on, it's okay if it was me. i don;t blame you, okay? you were going through such a hard time ad i just wanted you to be happy. it's okay. it's okay.

i'm getting distracted. and sleepy. goodnight.
i should probably stop using chickensmoothie as an escape, too...
M, i see pieces of myself in you even now. HAH.

[Swishy & Broken]

im not really feelin well today

i sorta feel out of place
but also like i got myself into a giant mess
and i cant keep my day-to-day life like this

but if i just ,, change
then what will happen at work?
what about my relationship?
will i be able to catch up with my school work?
what if i lose my friends that ive tried to hard to make?
what happens when i can't handle it again?

i dont know