username:
Bloth Hoondr
name:
Vari
gender:
Agender
thought process: (985/1000)
The sky has always meant so much to me. Ironically, it makes me feel more connected to the earth as well as myself. Very rarely has it ever made me feel trapped.
When my days are rough and the thoughts I keep at bay begin to claw at my mind, I can find solace gazing up into the heavens beyond.
When I was younger, the sky was an endless adventure; we’d make our own legends in the constellations and on the playground every cloud had a story. The blues were so vivid and I can just remember how free I felt, not a care in the world except to wonder what quest we would come up with next. Refreshing is what I remember.
When we moved, the same sky took on a new form and I changed along with it. Gone were the days when a clear sky brought the cool mountain wind, instead the sky was an open range as far as the eye could see. Nights became my time of peace and contemplation. Many things changed in those years, not all without their own trials and tribulations. As I gazed up into the unending blue, I felt so frustrated; no clouds, the sun beating down on my back, I felt as though just as the sky is nothing in my life would change. I was doomed to years of monotony in a dry environment that would not allow me to flourish. However, as the sun set beyond the hills, I felt my anxieties depart with it and the cool darkness of the night enveloped me.
After a long day my brother and I would drive to the local airport and shut off the lights, welcoming what tonight brought us. Together we sit on the hood of our car and gaze up into the abyss. The stars were my security blanket. I’d start by finding the constellations; the dipper behind us, we were safe under Orion’s belt, and Cassiopeia dancing next to the moon. I’d wonder if there really was life out among the stars or if our galaxy were empty and we were all alone in our own section of the world doomed to our own devices. In the grand scheme of the known universe, would it really matter? Somehow, I found the thought of being smaller than we were comforting because what we can accomplish in life seems grand. I still wish upon shooting stars and for what we saw on those clear night I will always hold dear to my heart.
On the rare occasions that it stormed, the sky after was well worth the wait. On those days I would go to the park and lie on the grass for hours. The wind blew calmly through the trees and I felt the damp of the rain soak into my back but just to see the sky on those days, I would go through anything. The layers of clouds broken up by the sun streaming through them was a sight straight out of a renaissance painting. On those days I would feel young again, I could stare at the sky for hours while a grand adventure raced across the sky and dipped through the clouds. It made me feel hopeful, that in time great things would come and no matter where I was, adventure would find me again.
I remember so clearly, when we were taken to the reservation for our naming ceremonies, how different the clear skies felt there than where I used to live. As I stood upon one of the many hills, I watched as the yellowed grass swayed like a golden ocean upon the great plains and the wind howled throughout the badlands. The clouds that hulked across the sky were some of the largest I had ever seen and in those moments, I felt connected. Not just to the land from which I came but to my ancestors as well. I could hear their drums echo in the canyons and hear their songs in the wind. I wonder if they too looked upon the sky in the same manner in which I have. I wonder if they made stories about the shapes they see in the clouds or cried at the beautiful sunsets as their rays enveloped the plains with their warmth. I wonder if they were afraid or in awe of a thunderstorm when it came through the plains; when the lightning branched across the sky and the thunder shook the houses like leaves in the trees. I wonder if they saw the beauty in it just like I did.
When night fell it was unlike anything I had seen before. Far from city lights, a night in the great plains was the first time I looked to the sky and wept. The milky way streaked across the sky and the number of stars I saw made me feel like I was in a snow globe. You could see the craters in the moon and stars twinkled, danced, and raced across the sky in so many directions I could barely stand my ground. Those nights made me feel hopeful, as if I could truly comprehend the scope of the universe and just how special our existence is.
I’ve moved again recently, and this time on my own. Far from the valleys and plains I find myself among ageless redwoods. Here, as I gaze out across the sea, I find myself looking towards the sky again. The salty breeze and the crash of the waves lull me into a sense of security as I watch the clouds make their way across the ocean. A fog bank parts the sky to the west but with it I feel no harm, it blankets the trees and mountains and refreshes the life within it. For the first time here I look up to the sky, and I feel home.
