The day you died, a part of me went with you. I never knew how much I loved you until I grieved for you.
----
Finally, finally Iris was free from their hold. No longer would she be stamped down day by day, forced to stand by his side in a loveless union for a clan she despised.
Her lungs filled with the crisp fall air, and the rising sun filled her with new hope. This... this was good.
...Right?
A brush against her leg. She looked down, and her heart melted at the sight of her kit, fur puffed up from the cold. She curled her thick tail around his form and rasped her tongue over his fragile head. He pressed closer to her side, and a rough purr rose within her as she looked down at the very reason why she was so adamant to leave. She knew this, now. “My strong, little tom.”
Right.
—
“Mama, mama, look at the stars! They’re so pretty, mama.” In his excitement, his little form toddled a little ways away to push himself up on a nearby rock.
She purred. “They are. Starclan is always watching over us, you know.”
“Wow…”
She purred again, louder this time as her heart ached in her love for him. She twitched her whiskers, just once, before calling him over. “You need to nurse, sweetheart. Then it’s time for bed.”
Dutiful as always, he padded over to lay against her soft stomach, but turned his head away as she curled around him. “I’m not hungry though, mama.”
A thin thread of annoyance tickled the base of her spine, and she couldn’t help but be a little bit confused. He hadn’t nursed from her since they’d left, after all. Was he at the point where he needed to be weaned already? But, at the site of his wide eyes, she could never stay angry. “Dear, you do need to eat, just a little bit. I won’t be able to hunt for us until well into tomorrow.”
Her heart merely shrugged his shoulders and buried into her side. “Can I eat in the morning, instead?”
His small, vulnerable tone made her cave quickly. “If you insist. You have to be quick about it though. They’ll catch onto our trail soon enough.”
“Okay.”
—
Morning came, and when Iris peeked out of their hiding spot, their scent shot a thrill of fear down her spine. She was quick to herd him out of the den, and she and her kit vanished into the undergrowth.
It never occurred to her that he never asked to nurse.
——
When Iris came into the twoleg town looking for aid, this definitely wasn’t what she expected to hear. After so many weeks of evading her old clan’s pursuit, they finally, finally gave up. And now, she was being subjected to this.
Iris, throat filled with dread, looked down at the lounging old queen, soaking up what little rays of sunlight her long fur could get.
“Another clan?”
The old she-cat raised a brow at her incredulous tone. “Well now, hun, don’t discount them too early. You said you were seeking protection, right? The groups in the city don’t take to kindly to outsiders. The clan down in the flood valleys offer asylum to those looking for it. And from where I’m sitting, it looks like you need it.” The older female cocked her head at the blue molly before her frown deepened. “Say, are you sure you’re alright? You’re barely skin and bones from what I can see.”
Iris couldn’t help but feel her hackles raise at the comment. “I’m fine, thank you.” The nerve of this she-cat! First she barely recognizes the existence of Iris’s own child, and then she has the audacity to comment on her looks. Why would the old she-cat care? But, but. Iris wasn’t raised with poor manners. “I might be a little underweight, but I do have a kitten to feed. Surely you would understand that.” With that said, Iris curled her tail tighter around her paws, where her little tom sat under the safety of her fur. Always so shy, he stayed silent as Iris spoke to the she-cat.
The older female frowned in bemusement. “Kitten? What are you even—”
Iris’s patience snapped. “The kitten right in front of you! Ma’am, no offense, but you act like you’ve never seen a kit before!”
Iris could clearly see the old female’s eyes flash in subdued anger, but then suddenly widen in realization. Finally. The old bat must be near blind, Iris supposed. But, curiously enough, the old she-cat when silent, for one long moment, and her gaze became unreadable. But then, she finally grunted, before gently saying, “Trust me, child. Wherever you came from, I assure you this clan will be nothing like that. If nothing else, they’ll help you get back on your feet and get you fed. They did the same for me.”
Iris forced her fur to lie flat. But, against her better judgement, she could feel her resolve crumbling. Though she would never return to her old clan, a clan would mean that her heart wouldn’t have to sleep without food. It couldn’t be that bad if a loner like this female had nothing but good words about the group. “Alright. I’ll go to them.” A leap of faith is what got her away from her old clan, after all. She had to do it, if only for her little heart.
Right?
——
Iris kneaded her claws into the soft earth as she waited with the striped deputy. The first contact went well enough; she was lucky to stumble across a patrol with the actual deputy in it, and with one look at her, the large tom was quick to send off his patrol back to camp.
It must’ve been because how she eyed the prey in his maw, because he silently set the plump fish at her paws before introducing himself as Lightningsong. When her kitten peered around her flank to look up at the deputy, she chewed off a piece of the fish for her little heart to eat. By now, she was well accustomed to selfish loner cats looking at her oddly when she set aside food for her little one, but she felt a little irked at the weird look the deputy gave her too. And she thought that it was universal that clans took care of their own. “You’ve never seen a queen give food to her own kit?”
The deputy frowned, but before he could open his maw to speak, the bushes rustled, and out stepped the supposed leader.
She paused in her eating to give the small cat a once-over. Her fur prickled self-consciously as she fought to instinctively avert her eyes, but his benign green gaze emboldened her. She cleared her throat before she sat up. “Sir, My name is Iris. I would like to request temporary asylum for me and my kit, if you’re willing to provide it.”
The leader’s gaze softened as he, too, gave her a once-over, but then he raised a brow before speaking. “And where is your kit?”
Iris withheld a sigh. This song and dance again. “Sir, with all due respect, my kit is sitting right beside me.”
The leader’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, but Iris stood her ground as his eyes flicked to her side. He looked straight at her little tom, but his gaze passed over her kit before flickering back up to her face. His face smoothed out, as unreadable as the old she-cat’s in the twoleg town. The leader motioned to Lightningsong, and spoke a few hushed words to the larger tom. Iris could barely pick out the name “Lilyfrost” before the striped deputy nodded and disappeared further into the territory. The cinnamon tom turned back to her, and stepped up to her before speaking. “Iris, I’d like you to tell me about what happened to you in the last few weeks. What led you here?”
Iris hesitated, but as she felt her heart press against her side, she knew a little bit of information was a small price to pay for her kit.
So, she told him.
——
“You see why I can’t go back. My own clan going to kill my kit because he wasn’t… wasn’t perfect enough for them. They hurt him so badly, I—”
“Iris.” The small tom cut her off in her tirade. It felt like a flood finally releasing all that emotion, and she felt a hysteric, desperate laugh bubble up in her chest. Hah, flood. Like the clan she was about to enter, right?
Her paws were shaking. “And, and now, no one will even look twice at my own kit! Did that wretched clan truly taint him so badly as to leave a permanent scar on him for the rest of his life? There is nothing wrong with my kit!”
“Iris!” The leader’s voice boomed over her raging thoughts like a thunderclap. “Iris, please, look beside you. There is no kit beside you.”
Her voice cracked with emotion, and barely a whisper escaped in her turmoil. “M-my, my kit, he… He...”
“Iris, I am so sorry.”
No, no. Her kit was not dead. He could not be dead.
...Right?
——
Iris looked down at her side. Her kit was no longer there.
He never was there, was he?
Right.
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