|| sixx. || quinn || female ♀️ ||
"i love you."i laughed.
"no really, i love you."the silence that was exchanged in that moment was one that was unsafe, a type of silence that makes you say white
lies in order to escape its cold grip. it was an unfamiliar ground that i was stepping on- like walking on ice, the anticipation
of waiting for it to break and the biting water to swallow you whole. rather than bitter water engulfing me, it was feelings,
and i couldn't decide which was worse. it felt like i was suffocating, a lump in my throat so large it was choking not only my
words, but me as well.
"please, quinn, say something."i wanted to. my words were stuck back, unable to abscond. what was there to say? nothing seemed right. sentiment was
always something that was out of my reach, lost in the void. his eyes were glued to me, but i couldn't even return the gaze,
my head hanging low as if to avoid eye contact. i took a deep breath, opening my mouth to speak as i tried attempt to piece
together some shoddy apology and explanation.
"i can't," were the words that did come out, and with them came the silence once more. it was then i realized that silence
is comforting sometimes, especially when you say things you shouldn't. i was more unsure what to say next than i was to
initially speak. "i want to love you, but i can't. i want to understand what it's like to fall in love, but some people just
aren't made to love." suddenly i felt like he did- i just wanted him to say
something. anything was better than stillness.
the lack of words on his end is what ultimately perturbed me, but i didn't continue with my own utterance. there was nothing
left i could say without making the situation any heavier than it already was. i felt incredibly disconnected from life itself at
that moment and there was a hundred thought bouncing off the inner corners of my mind.
"i-.. should go. i'll see you around."those were not the words that i wanted to hear in return to what i said. the only thing i could do was nod, and try to understand
his hurt without giving pity. love was a funny concept, one masked by vanilla stages of cooing and heartfelt actions, when it hid
darker things beneath it. every love was cursed, damned by one thing, and it was inevitable. the last thing i want to do was
mortify him, and lose not only a relationship but genuine camaraderie.
there was virtually no way out of the situation i had dug myself into, and i hoped that he would see the truth in my
statement, and realize the endearment in my tone. the question did boil down to, did i love him? of course i did, i'd
be foolish not to, but i wouldn't risk everything we have for a trivial title of 'girlfriend'. the simple thought was sour
on my tongue, and i sighed as he disappeared from my line of sight, heartache heavy in my chest. it took a lot to bite my
tongue and come to the reality of my senses and give him the gentle rejection. though i knew time healed, and surely soon
enough he would forgive and perhaps even forget.
"hey, wait," my voice echoed through the alley, rain pattering upon the concrete. i could see his silhouette turn in the distance
to face me once more, and i started toward him, catching up with him and giving him an apologetic look. "i'm sorry- i didn't mean
to hurt you. i love you too, i just.. can't lose you. i can't lose everything we have," i explained, figuring that was the very least
i could do at this point.
i felt a gentle kiss press to my forehead, and i smiled a bit,
"quinn, i know you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. like you said,
some people aren't made to love."i felt a sting in my stomach of remorse, and shook my head, emerald locks dancing around my face. "but i-.."
"don't worry about it. i need to go. i'll see you around."it almost felt ironic that rejection could make a full circle, and perhaps he was doing it to give me a taste of my own
medicine, but it didn't feel good going down. it left a bitter taste in my mouth, and i felt rather guilty now as he walked
away once more. "maybe we aren't made to love," i murmured, letting the rain bead upon my skin.
loneliness was colder when it was dealt to you by the hand of another.
vanilla stages and tired heartbreak.