username: hawkkeye
name: alexander
gender: male
prompt: wc- 537
"whenever you smile it looks like you're about to cry."
I swear I didn't want to hit him back.
by the time I hit the ground all I could feel was this... this deep, aching fear. I was so afraid in that moment. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, that would only make them laugh more. even so, I wouldn't be able to hear them. my ears were rushing with blood and the pumping of my heart as my breath quickened by the moment. when I eventually got home I realized that I'd been bleeding from my nose the entire time, and I suspect that this happened when I was on the ground, but the funny thing is I couldn't feel it then.
I remember looking up at their snarls, their smirks. I thought they were done, I was ready to curl up and wait until the sickness in my stomach and the panic melted away, but again and again, they jeered and they kicked at me. the pavement seemed surprisingly soft- like I could just fall asleep and let the sorrow go. I think the only reason they did that was that they didn't feel good about themselves. I feel kind of bad for them, but they were the ones who hurt me.
when the repeated impacts to my stomach and head stopped, I got up. they seemed satisfied with the damage they'd caused. they were about to leave, too, I watched them turn around. their shines glinted in the sunlight as they spun around to leave. if maybe I hadn't been so prideful, if I just let them go and run to the bathroom to cry, I wouldn't be in so much trouble.
sometimes, when our pride is threatened, we act out in such a way that would seem unnatural otherwise. in this moment, I was acting unnaturally to say the least. when I hit the kalon who'd given me so much grief, it not only felt good, but it felt awful. I didn't want to stoop to their level, to become the bully. but as I felt my paw make impact with his side it was too late to act on my better judgement.
my mom came to pick me up sometime during lunch, only about a half hour after the fight. I expected disappointment or pity in her eyes, but all I saw was sympathy. driving home that day I broke down in an ugly, sobbing mess. she pulled over and we talked for a long time until I felt alright. I told her how bad it felt to hit that kalon and how angry I felt on the ground. she never saw this side of me, I don't think.
I'm still struggling, and I think that's a part of life. to get over it. but however long it takes to accept that kalons like them are just as pained as me, I know I will come out a better person. when I smile, it looks like I want to cry. I'm not sad, I promise. everything around us is always changing. other people, ourselves. life is scary and big and I don't always like how it makes me feel but... I'll be okay. in the end, our experiences are what shape us.