Username: aray17
Show Name: I Loved You Then
Barn Name: Remi
Gender: mare
Halter Color: pearly/opalescent
Personality: Hesistant | Caretaker | Patient | Reserved
Remi had a hard time making friends as a young foal so she is very hesitant to reach out to others. Don't let her quiet and hesitant personality fool you. If she truly cares about you, she will make sure all of your needs are met and that you are safe and sound. She is very motherly in the sense that all injured/helpless people, tolters, and creatures are her children to take care of. Her heart is quite large and her empathy runs deep. Remi is very patient and often times a little too patient to the point where others take advantage of her kindness. She is very reserved and quiet around others that she does not trust or feel comfortable around. If you become close to her, she will open up to you slowly like a little clam, revealing her shiny personality like a prized pearl.
Story: I felt the stabbing stones when he pushed me to the ground. They laughed at my face as they kicked dirt and mud onto my weak body. I just laid there and tried to suck up my tears, knowing that they would stop if I didn't make any noise. The colts did this to me everyday and I learned to take it and accept the pain. It would be over shortly I used to tell myself. As they laughed and walked away from me, I would lay there a little longer and then once they were far enough away, I would limp over to the pond and hide in the cattails and reeds while I would soak and listen to the frogs croak and the flies and dragonflies buzz by. No one ever asked me if I was okay but I would talk to the frogs and the dragonflies as if they were my friends. They had no choice but to listen to my misery because they never understood what I was saying. It was therapeutic for me to vent to the tiny creatures. As the mud and dirt would drift off of me, I would dream of a day where friends would surround me and be there for me. I dreamt that the dragonflies and frogs were real tolters and that they were my lifelong friends. Already, I am too old to meet a life long friend. Momma is a loner so I must be following her path. I sighed as a single tear ran down my face. I dunked my face in the refreshing water.
This was many years ago. Now, I am facing a new challenge. When I was a young foal, I was always nervous around stallions because of how I was bullied. Rejection and anxiety haunted me and never did I know that it would be this hard as a young mare. I sighed as flashbacks danced in my mind. I tried to push them into a dark, desolate corner of my mind.
My whole life I lived on the same ranch that I was born on. It hit me like a tidal wave when I was sold away to a foreign ranch where I knew no one and nothing about it. My heart was palpitating, beating a million miles an hour. Anxiety raced through my mind like it was a rampant wildfire swallowing the forest. Tears pooled up around me as I cried all night and could not get my swollen eyes to get drowsy and fall asleep.
Why is life full of misery when I try so hard to be good? Snot and tears soaked my face and I tried to bury my thoughts but they kept resurfacing. Different scenarios kept running through my head and always the worst case ending always occurred. I feared I would be isolated and excluded or rejected by a possible crush or even a friend for that matter. I had no friends here and my anxiety mocked me, laughing in my face that I would be doomed to life without a companion. My chest ached as my head hung low.
After a long night, I was loaded onto the trailer during the early morning and I wallowed and cried the whole excursion to my new destination. Tears streamed down my face. I stomped in the trailer and wailed. No one heard. The rhythmic sound of the wheels speeding along the road drowned out my sorrows. My spirits were low and anxiety pulsed through my veins. Eventually, I fell asleep in the trailer and was abruptly awakened by the trailer coming to a screeching halt. Immediately I got up and peered out and into my new home. I sniffled and tried to clear my tears from my face. As I looked out of the trailer, my head began to pulsate and my heartbeat became louder and faster. It felt like an earthquake was inside of me. There were many tolters who were staring at me and I cowered in fear and wanted to just go to my stall and hide. I was led into the pasture and spotted a stallion who was off in the distance and he was all alone. I distanced myself from everyone but then decided I should try talking to someone and so I approached the lone stallion.
"Hello, I am new here and my name is Remi. What's your name?" I said shyly and with my head down. I sniffled and looked up at him. He had a strong build and was quite taller than me. Scars covered his body but I tried not to stare at them. He looked at me and I saw his eyes light up. He said "Why hello, my name is Quinn and I am pretty new here too." I smiled and we started hanging out day after day and night after night. Slowly my anxiety crept away back into the shadows of my mind. It soon became a distant memory of a feeling. We would talk through the night and we both shared our stories of pain. We cried together and grew together and as the months started racking up, my love for him deepened. One night after we had been together for almost five months, he was walking me back to my stall and he asked how I felt about our relationship and I poured my heart out to him. I gave him every last bit of my emotions and soul. Just as I was about to tell him I love him, he interrupted me and told me how he doesn't feel the same anymore. Quinn said "I don't want there to be an us anymore. I don't feel that spark anymore and that spark left a long time ago." I broke down and cried in front of him until he left to go to his stall. I laid in my stall and wailed and cried as I resented myself for trusting anyone with my glass heart. I loved you then but not anymore. Once, my glass heart was full of love for you but now it is shattered and the anxiety rushed in once again.
