I closed my eyes the first time he opened his.
My name is Mathilda. And his name… his name was Frederik. But before I will dig deeper into his life, I suppose I should tell you something about myself. It will make a lot of things clearer, I am sure.
My name you already know, but what you do not know – well, how could you? – is, that I am an angel. No, not one of the cute, chubby darlings floating around in heaven and sitting on clouds giggling and having fun, none of these. But I am also not an archangel, which means that I am no fierce warrior of the gods either. Instead, I am a guardian angel. Yes, we do exist, but I fear, that our duty is a little more complicated than you might have always thought it was.
Although, part of it is indeed to watch over whomever we were assigned to, it is not everything we do. I must be honest – sometimes, I wish it was that easy; but it isn’t. Let me explain:
Being assigned to a protegee and watching over them; it is a never-ending circle. And it is not like that, that some boss is looking down at the mortals, pointing at a new born and saying: “This is your new protegee.” Instead, it is like the universe just knows. And as soon as a guarding angel is assigned to their protegee, they do not see the world with their own eyes anymore. Instead, we see the world with the eyes of whomever we are watching over. And it won’t come slowly or at least with a warning – it will hit you hard, like a bullet straight to your head. Suddenly you go blind for the blink of an eye and then a different world will form in front of you.
A guardian angel never knows how long they will watch over their protegee. We cannot look into the future, but what we have, is the destiny of our protegees in our heart. Therefore, calling us guardian angels is actually not really the right term. Because, after all, we do not guard them, but instead, we guide them. We guide them through their destiny and have to make sure, that they go the path they were assigned to walk on. If we do not do that, punishment awaits.
I have only almost faced such a punishment once. And it was back then, when I was assigned to Frederik. A Viscet from German origin, who looked at his world with bright and warm colors. His childhood was the best thing that I have ever lived through – it was full of laughter, warmth, friendship and love. He was born just after the first World War had ended and what lied before him was a promising future full of hope and freedom.
As I already told you: We cannot see into the future, instead, what we see, is a path, that we have to guide our protegees through. Therefore, just like everyone else, I had no idea, what the future would have in store for us. That might actually be even a good thing – because if I could see the future, I wouldn’t do this anymore. I would have grabbed Frederik, accepted my punishment and ran away with him; if only there was the slightest possibility to save us from what was to come.
While my body rested in a comatose sleep, my mind – locked with the one of Frederik – was fully awake. While my eyes were closed, I saw not a single thing of what happened around me, but instead I saw everything he saw.
Frederik grew into a teenager, full of wit and charm. I guided him through his first love and helped him recover from his first heartbreak. I helped him to overcome his fears and I watched him growing up into a fine and handsome lad through his very own eyes. When he reached the age of a young adult, that was when something began to change; and everything turned from a bright freedom into a dark and brooding war. Indeed, the second World War had come over Germany and we – Frederik and I – were pulled right into it.
I would have stopped him from it, if I could have, but I wasn’t allowed to. Instead, I even was forced to further support him with what he wanted to do, as I felt that it was his destiny: Frederik wanted to fight. He wanted to join the war and fight for the freedom of his country – or, at least, he wanted to fight for his own freedom.
And what would follow, were the most horrible three years, that I just cannot think of talking about. I had no protegee during the first World War, therefore I had been oblivious to the suffering, that had happened down below on the land of the mortals – I only had ever known, what I had heard from other guardian angels, that had gotten their own sight back, because their protegees had fallen in the war. But what they told, every single thing that they described, sounded like a mere nightmare, that was way too horrendous to be actually true. Oh, but how right they were, I would now find out myself while seeing everything through Frederik’s eyes. It was certainly not death, that struck me the most. It was the suffering of the wounded, the suffering of the ones left behind. It was the wailing of the lost in the night, it was the gunfire that lighted a starless darkness. Both Frederik and I, we felt like life had been drenched out of us, even though we were still breathing.
But at least my boy is still alive – this was, what I kept telling myself. Frederik is still alive, this mantra was everything, that kept me going, everything that held me back from forcibly opening my eyes, leave the heavens and safe him from that hell down there. I wished nothing more than to know him to be safe, but I also knew – or at least I felt – that he would never truly be safe. It was not his destiny to be safe, I already knew that back then – I just didn’t want to actually admit it.
Somehow, I had fallen in love with that mortal boy. Somehow, I had fallen in love with someone, whose life I had witnessed from the beginning, through his very own eyes. However, falling in love with our protegees was nothing, that we were allowed to do either. It was bound to make us do stupid things, the higher angels and deities said. Guardian angels are not supposed to fall in love, they said, we were not even supposed to have feelings, they claimed.
But I say, that they had no idea what we felt. We lived through our protegees eyes – of course we were capable of feelings too. And when Frederik first fell in love – I fell in love as well. And when his heart was broken – mine was broken too. And the more I guided him through his life, the more I felt connected with him. The more I felt, that he was a part of my existence and that I was a part of his life. And the more I felt drawn towards him.
Of course, I never told anyone about that. I wouldn’t have been able anyway, as I was never capable of communicating with anyone – except Frederik, of course – while being connected with him. I kept suffering in silence, guiding Frederik through this horrible war, and with every day that passed, I was just glad, that my precious golden boy was still alive. With every passing day, I silently prayed, that I would be wrong. I prayed, that nothing would happen to him, that I would not have to watch him die, despite my guts telling me, that this was meant to be.
When the summer of 1942 approached, I already knew, how he would die. And this knowledge was about to rip my heart in two. I stood between the choice of rising against my duty and save the poor mortal, that I had fallen for, and the choice of staying true to who and what I was and guide Frederik towards his fate – dying.
I was, and I am still, a young and foolish angel, but yet my heart was not able to gain victory over my mind: No matter how hard I wished to run away with him, I knew, that the punishment would probably not be worth it. Therefore, I kept lying still up there in the heavens, my eyes flickering slightly, still seeing everything that he saw. Hearing everything that he heard. Smelling everything that he smelled. Tasting everything that he tasted. Feeling everything that he felt.
Until it was time. Time for him, my precious mortal, to die. I already knew, when we both woke up, after just two hours of sleep full of nightmares, haunted by death soldiers. The day was cold and grey, a sky full of clouds and smoke, the falling snowflakes were black from the ashes of whatever was burning and casting blood-red flames onto the horizon. We both watched the sky burn, while we were getting ready for another, for the last, day of our duty. Well, his duty. I often tend to forget, that after all, it was still only his life and his death – and not mine. But sometimes it really feels like as if some part of myself died too, back then.
It was around midday, when the German soldiers were confronted with the British on the front. They fought, all of them, and so did Frederik. And then we both feel, that something is wrong. We can see, that the British draw back, instead of attacking again. We wonder why, but we have not much time to think about it. Soon the world around us erupts into dark earth, bright flames and horrible screams all around us. We have no idea what happened.
Frederik does not scream, he stayed silent the whole time. I only can see him going down. I can feel his wounds and his pain. I whisper to him, that it is alright and that I am with him. I have no idea, if he could hear me. I have actually no idea, if any of our protegees even know, that we are there – that we exist. To be honest? I don’t think they do. And this breaks my heart.
The last thing I remember, was the sight of the sky. Behind all that smoke and fire, it suddenly turned into the most wonderful shade of blue. The clouds had retrieved, and the sun had come out. I could feel Frederik smile and take his last breath.
And suddenly his vision was gone, and I opened my eyes – my own eyes. In front of myself my home – the heavens. And I felt a single tear shed from my eye. Nobody paid attention, most other angels around me where still with their protegees. I could see some of them struggling – probably the war, too.
Until this day, Frederik was my last protegee. I have no clue, who my next one will be and when I will meet them.
Sometimes I close my eyes and retrieve Frederik’s last seconds.
Sometimes I remember what having him made me feel like.
Sometimes I fear, that I will never be able to guard again.
Sometimes I fear, that I will never be able to love again.
I look at the place I call my home and I wish I could close my eyes and see through his again. Just for one last time.
