Beyond Anyar***
So first off, there is a bit of writing there, but I am not sure what is drawing me in besides this exploration of a new planet. And that's cool, but why that planet? Why is this exciting??? Why are we following these characters? If you give us a reason, we are more likely to continue reading.
Also, you have quit a bit of run on sentences. That paired with all the descriptors makes it hard to digest. Maybe try to cut back on the run-ons? Also if you are going to go into flowery detail about something, make sure the reader knows exactly what it is you are describing. Because sometimes it was a little confusing.
Your descriptions, when I knew what you were talking about, were really wonderful to read because did get a full picture and it made me want to know more and be more involved.
But your world building seems top notch! And that is really hard to do, so congratz! I would love to see where this all leads!
So first off, there is a bit of writing there, but I am not sure what is drawing me in besides this exploration of a new planet. And that's cool, but why that planet? Why is this exciting??? Why are we following these characters? If you give us a reason, we are more likely to continue reading.
Also, you have quit a bit of run on sentences. That paired with all the descriptors makes it hard to digest. Maybe try to cut back on the run-ons? Also if you are going to go into flowery detail about something, make sure the reader knows exactly what it is you are describing. Because sometimes it was a little confusing.
Your descriptions, when I knew what you were talking about, were really wonderful to read because did get a full picture and it made me want to know more and be more involved.
But your world building seems top notch! And that is really hard to do, so congratz! I would love to see where this all leads!
***off site url