*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Cadin Araceli]

Beyond Anyar***

So first off, there is a bit of writing there, but I am not sure what is drawing me in besides this exploration of a new planet. And that's cool, but why that planet? Why is this exciting??? Why are we following these characters? If you give us a reason, we are more likely to continue reading.

Also, you have quit a bit of run on sentences. That paired with all the descriptors makes it hard to digest. Maybe try to cut back on the run-ons? Also if you are going to go into flowery detail about something, make sure the reader knows exactly what it is you are describing. Because sometimes it was a little confusing.

Your descriptions, when I knew what you were talking about, were really wonderful to read because did get a full picture and it made me want to know more and be more involved.

But your world building seems top notch! And that is really hard to do, so congratz! I would love to see where this all leads!

***off site url

[Cadin Araceli]

*bump*

[Fenric]

p

[SamDeCat]

viewtopic.php?p=95674057#p95674057

Critique 1, and 2 in table of contents please. Also tell me how to improve

[Cadin Araceli]

Thank you! I will probably be able to get to both of those tomorrow!

[Kim Jongdae]

Would someone be willing to critique this? C:
"Stolen Kisses"
Caution, there is so much cheese, you might actually cringe if you dont like romance. LOL

I would love some critique through PM, if that is okay ;w;
Thank you so much! And Im open to any and all critique on the other stories, Im always looking to improve my writing <3

[Cadin Araceli]

Hi! I am sorry for my lack or replies, long story short, I have been having troubles IRL with my puppies. I lost one and another has surgery tomorrow. So please forgive me for my lack of response. Thank you.

[Cadin Araceli]

I'm not quite sure if my emotions are real
I could be fake, but it wouldn't matter if I'm real
I'd like to drop dead, but I want to live
I have lots of brains to spare but not half a mind to give

I'm teething at the concept that I've finally grown
I still wade in the shallow pools I've always known
Words sap my energy, don't expect me to explain
No excuses, just a passing glance at what I can't obtain

I stumble, mumble, over words I tumble into graceless lines
I'm breathless; It's a mess of temples, sects, hexs and shrines
I worship though I'm faithless, because my God is faceless
I have to face this, but my God, Christ, Lord, I hate this!

Why do I say this? The participle's hung a noose
I cannot save it, it's hanging and I've no excuse
I'm amorous, the notes I swing are simply horrid
Cue the chorus, and whatever else has come to bore us,

Lackluster, is all the efforts I have mustered
Now I'm building up a tower filled with filibusters
You get the image, the execution's lacking
My body tells me there's nothing's there, my brain says I'm slacking

Nerve wracking; Like a dozen eggs my brain is cracking
I use my thoughts as cooking oil, and for ideas I'm fracking
Nothing there for me to find inside the waste I call my mind
I think I'm okay, but I'm not sure if I'm fine

I'm made of loose seams
Cut, picture, print and scene

For all the rhyming poems that I have read, this is among one of those that is effortless. Which is a HUGE feat. Give yourself a pat on the back for that!

"I worship though I'm faithless, because my God is faceless
I have to face this, but my God, Christ, Lord, I hate this!"

I really love this line, it really makes you think and is a real reality in this piece I think a lot of people can relate to.

I really like all the verses apart, but I think they have a hard time flowing together because there isn't a line to flow them together? Like they don't seem like they belong to different poems, but they don't flow together.

Over all I guess I would say it's really powerful, but the flow is a little off. Maybe think of a more central theme to tie them together besides just the general feeling, or add a transition line???

[Cadin Araceli]

Gumball Diary of Laru (1 &2)

So it seems like you have A LOT going on with that huge character list and all those fonts and everything. It seems very busy right off the bat. There are a lot of characters and pictures and fonts, and it feels...like a lot. Maybe try to narrow it down to just the main characters, and just give them their name, picture, and relation. It's hard to character build when you are focusing one all these other characters. Also maybe not have other people be able to just add their own characters? It will make is much harder down the line to balance everything!
Since you do have that character list at the very beginning, you don't need to post a picture every time you are talking about a new person. Instead, maybe include a short written description. It shows more how your character sees them, can give us a lot more information (i.e. how they are feeling, what they are wearing, ect) and helps keep the flow.
They way you are writing makes it very...choppy. It's very straight forward, it is all tell and no show. There isn't a lot of details given, just vague details that aren't really...special I guess it a way to put it. This is a diary. Get personal. Tell us how the character is feeling and all her thoughts. Do you keep a diary? You don't hold back. You also don't transcribe text messages. Not word for word.
Conversations in a diary shouldn't be written out like that unless it's more along the lines of:
She was so rude! She was all like "You're ugly" and I swear I almost slapped her but instead I just said "you would know ugly, you have to look in the mirror sometime."
It makes it more like you are talking to a friend then book format.
That being said, your characters seem flat right now. All there has been is basically emotionless dialogue. I don't know how any of your characters really feel about the situation. It's all flat. I would rather read something over the top and dramatic then something that is flat. You start of with the best friend going on a date with a guy that put poop on the writer! Show some drama, some emotion, give us a reason to care and be invested beyond just 'this is happening, it is bad'. and more 'this thing is happening, which was really horrible in the first place, and now everything is worse because she is doing that." It will also expand your chapters and make them more meaty (Which isn't a good or a bad thing. Just a thing.)
Also, it's never a good idea to start your writing off with "I don't want to be writing this". If that is how your character feels, how am I the reader supposed to care about what is being written? Maybe more like "My mom gave me this diary thing to write in. I mean, I guess I'll try it out. There is a lot going on in my life" It still keeps your characters sentiments, but makes us want to read more.
I think you have good bones, which is a great start. I am assuming you have a story line in your head and you are going to be following that? If not, do that. It will help you keep things flowing, and develop characters. I would suggest going back and making what you have more show, not tell based. I am excited to see what you do with this story and where it is going! I would love to critique more if you continue on! Please feel free to ask any questions you may have!

[Fenric]

I'm not quite sure if my emotions are real
I could be fake, but it wouldn't matter if I'm real
I'd like to drop dead, but I want to live
I have lots of brains to spare but not half a mind to give

I'm teething at the concept that I've finally grown
I still wade in the shallow pools I've always known
Words sap my energy, don't expect me to explain
No excuses, just a passing glance at what I can't obtain

I stumble, mumble, over words I tumble into graceless lines
I'm breathless; It's a mess of temples, sects, hexs and shrines
I worship though I'm faithless, because my God is faceless
I have to face this, but my God, Christ, Lord, I hate this!

Why do I say this? The participle's hung a noose
I cannot save it, it's hanging and I've no excuse
I'm amorous, the notes I swing are simply horrid
Cue the chorus, and whatever else has come to bore us,

Lackluster, is all the efforts I have mustered
Now I'm building up a tower filled with filibusters
You get the image, the execution's lacking
My body tells me there's nothing's there, my brain says I'm slacking

Nerve wracking; Like a dozen eggs my brain is cracking
I use my thoughts as cooking oil, and for ideas I'm fracking
Nothing there for me to find inside the waste I call my mind
I think I'm okay, but I'm not sure if I'm fine

I'm made of loose seams
Cut, picture, print and scene

For all the rhyming poems that I have read, this is among one of those that is effortless. Which is a HUGE feat. Give yourself a pat on the back for that!

"I worship though I'm faithless, because my God is faceless
I have to face this, but my God, Christ, Lord, I hate this!"

I really love this line, it really makes you think and is a real reality in this piece I think a lot of people can relate to.

I really like all the verses apart, but I think they have a hard time flowing together because there isn't a line to flow them together? Like they don't seem like they belong to different poems, but they don't flow together.

Over all I guess I would say it's really powerful, but the flow is a little off. Maybe think of a more central theme to tie them together besides just the general feeling, or add a transition line???

Thank you for the critique!

I agree with the part about them not flowing properly.
Hmm, I'll try and practice with flow. Thank you!