overcaffienated. wrote:my christmas was really bad
my worst nightmare came true, and it takes a lot to write this, so please bear with me. the first paragraphs just kinda explain the precursors to this mess, so if you want to skip it, you can start reading at the larger text size. i really need as much support i can get right now, anything helps. so here goes.
my best friend left me last night. told me i and another one of her friends, 's', that we'd been abusing her, and said that she'd be distancing herself from us. didn't say for how long - "until i get better," in her words.
you see, when we first met, i quickly learned to be very, very afraid of her. one wrong word out of my mouth and she'd tackle me, looping one leg around my neck and digging her nails into me. just how she learned to be, after being mercilessly bullied in her previous hometown. of course, she learned quickly that was not a way to resolve anything, and so she resorted to verbal teasing. if i can tell the truth, i snapped some horrible things at her in response, but more often than not i resorted to hitting and throwing things. little kids, aha. the thing is, anytime she tried to get close and be a decent 'friend' to me, i'd retaliate viciously, absolutely terrified that she was going to hurt me again. it was a war that i waged around her, and i was lonelier than ever
around sixth grade we came to some kind of consensus that we weren't animals, and so we acted like decent, normal friends. of course, we still pushed each other around like friends, but not in a mean way. i still hadn't resolved my fear of her, though. i have this one memory (it hurts so much to type this out), she was sitting on the floor behind my couch and i was draped over the back of the furniture. i forget what she said to get the response, but in a moment of weakness i reached out to swat her shoulder. the thing was, i had poor aim, and so i slapped her full across the face. she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and asked, "why do you keep hurting me??
after that i vowed to never, ever let myself hurt her again.
so we became actual best friends. we talked late at night on her porch, we drew together, sang together, became joined at the hip. i loved her so much, i did everything i could to make the world a better place for her. we both had sort-o acknowledged that i was smarter than she was, but in my mind she was the best person in the world. i admired her so greatly, i did everything to make myself like her. she was older than me, prettier, funnier, faster, and stronger, everything i wished i was. and her voice - good god, how i loved her voice. in my mind, she was the perfect person.
a year later, the first time i saw her after school started, i looked at her and realized that she was absolutely beautiful, and not just in a friendly way. i started sorta thinking about kissing her, moreso as a possibility than a desire. six months later, after realizing i thought about her 24/7, i finally acknowledged that i'd fallen in love with her.
and to me, that was perfect. i'd gone from being scared of her (and perhaps i still was, a little), to being totally dependent on her. i loved her so much, and i vowed that i would fix all the damage i'd done to her, that i could prove myself to her.
so, after the stresses of a huge trip to minnesota with my screwed up family (i'm not going to go into detail, i'm already saying too much), i started school. and immediately after, i had one of the worst panic attacks i've ever had. i sat in my classes and silently begged the world to let me see her. i needed her so much, i couldn't wait until the bell to get out htere and find her. and when i finally did, i made one of my worst mistakes - i didn't say a word about how i felt. she and 's' and i joked around as usual, and walked home. at one point her mom called her, and 's' and i jokingly started yelling out.
my best friend screamed at us.
i cowered and flinched, and before i could recover she stormed off, jumped over the fence into the neighborhood, and was gone before i could choke out a 'sorry'.
after that, my mental health plummeted. i became totally dependent on her; if she talked to me, i was over the moon. and, god forbid, if she ignored me, i was deathly depressed. so i spent the entire first semester sobbing into a pillow at night and begging the world to let me see her again. we fought a lot, i cried into a pillow, i got viciously jealous of her friends, i let it all get to me. so, around winter break, she stopped talking to me.
i sat and prayed all through winter break. i almost never pray, but i sat there and prayed so hard for her to forgive me. i needed her more than anything, and truth be told it was pathetic; i cried myself to sleep at night, i fantasized about her, i cuddled with a pillow and pretended it was her comforting form next to me, i brought back all the memories of falling asleep on her shoulder or pulling her close.
christmas morning, i woke up crying because of a nightmare i had. there was some horrible illness spreading through the world, that caused people to go insane and get horrible bloody welts all over their bodies and everything was bloody and horrible and it was all happening right next to my neighborhood. somehow in the midst of things my best friend and 's' ended up in my house, all three of us barricaded up in my tornado shelter with the door locked, alone. and i did anything to protect them, but my best friend still fell horribly ill. so i woke up, rolled over, and cried for about an hour.
the rest of the day was okay. my friend still said nothing to me, but i pretended everything was fine.
i saw the text as soon as i got out of the shower. as soon as i did, before i even read it, i fell to the floor and screamed because i knew what was coming.
she detailed how through all the years i'd done nothing but hurt her, how just the sight of her own face made her gag, how she flinched when people tried to touch her. at the end, she said that she couldn't spend more time with the person who'd destroyed her mental health.
i cried for a good two hours, went numb, cried some more, and just cycled through guilt and fear and more guilt. i've been trying to make myself angry at her, but i can't. because no matter what, no matter how hard i tried to help her and protect her, i can never save her from what i did to her. it hurts, everything i see reminds me of her so much. even my pillow still smells like her, and it's hell because it's the one pillow i can't sleep without.
i need her back.
i deleted my tumblr and my parents blocked her and her parents' phone number. her parents said they're cutting ties with 's' too. i feel so empty and dried up, because the last post she made before i deleted was one about how abuse victims have a hard time not empathizing with their abusers.
i'm an abuser. the very thought of hurting her brings me to tears anytime i think about it. but i can't get rid of that label. i can't ever redeem myself. if i can be totally honest, i don't know if there's any point in trying to. i keep wanting her to come back, tell me she didn't mean it that way, but i know it's not going to happen. i don't want it to be over. i need her back. i want to wake up.
please help me
edit: i just accidentally saw the message again, going to clear my texts. i feel like my heart has been physically torn from my chest. i miss her i miss her i miss her
she told her (very homophobic) parents i'm gay too. when she finally put two and two together, i don't know. but everything about this seems so planned and malicious...i didn't know she had it in her. i know it's her illness talking but it still hurts so much...i miss my best friend. i don't know what to do anymore, i feel like i don't have any purpose. i feel disgustingly light, as though too much of me has been ripped away. i hate myself.
i really, really don't want to be pushy, but i need a lot of support and a lot of opinions on this. i'm terrified of being alone right now. i'm sorry
