*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

Hey! I am so so SO sorry I have been seriously slacking! I promise this time when I say I am back I really mean it!
I should be finished with the current works by the end of the week! If not, PLEASE pm and ask me to stop being lazy and work!
Thank you all for being so patient!

Hey. Not to be a bother. I PM'd you. It might help btw

[WilloweWolf]

Could you critique this?

[Cadin Araceli]

Apacolypse

So there seems to be a good start here, but there is a lot going on in such a short time, I am getting lost and a little overwhelmed. You need to make sure you can take a step back and try your best ensure the reader understands the satiation as fully as your chacter does (or more if needed) before moving on. Like explain about the toxins and how they got there, then about the effect it had on the population, how they handled it, ect ect. Throwing it all together in one paragraph makes it hard to digest.

Also, there is a lot going on in general, from general human survival from toxins, to mutated beasts, to the killer robots, and the alien. The themes are nice by themselves, and maybe two together, but all of them is a little too much for the plot to progress cleanly. I suggest picking the themes that are most relevant to your plot. To do this effectively, decided whether this is story driven or character driven, then chose what will give you the most to work with. (i.e. say you pick character driven, so you chose alien and toxic air. Therefor giving your character a challenge and someone to work with)

Also, I would suggest a read over for punctuation. There are a few periods missing that also make it hard to read. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

[Cadin Araceli]

The Hunter

I really love the way you have written this, it gives us a very clear pictures without over crowding us with detail. The way you were able to separate the narrators speech from those who where speaking was also great.
I think maybe adding more to the ghost girl would be great, like maybe give little hints that she isn't exactly normal. Adding in the hunter and her walking to the cottage would be a great way to do this.
Also, if you could give us a little more as to what is going on inside the hunters head, this being either with thought process, or body language. It would helps us connect more.
As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

[Claw.]

Could you please critique the story in my sig!

[Greenleaf]

The Hunter

I really love the way you have written this, it gives us a very clear pictures without over crowding us with detail. The way you were able to separate the narrators speech from those who where speaking was also great.
I think maybe adding more to the ghost girl would be great, like maybe give little hints that she isn't exactly normal. Adding in the hunter and her walking to the cottage would be a great way to do this.
Also, if you could give us a little more as to what is going on inside the hunters head, this being either with thought process, or body language. It would helps us connect more.
As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Thank you so much for the help! <3

[Cadin Araceli]

The Story of a YelowJacket Wasp
(up to chapter 4)

Right from the begging, you throw us in the middle of a scene with no explanation and no background. It's only after the first paragraph I am even aware they aren't human. The first paragraph or so is needed for background and plot set up. Make sure we know the important pre-established relationships and have a good idea of how your world works before you start with heavy conversation.

Also, when you have back and forth conversation, make sure the readers don't tune out by throwing in body language and movement of some kine here and there. It lets us know how the characters are feeling about everything without a thought process and breaks up the back and forth. When sharing key information, like the story of BlackVine, build up to it. Include dramatic pauses and show how the new information really sits with whomever is being told.

Make sure you keep the story moving as a slow enough pace that we can follow, right now everything is moving really fast and the reader has no time to react and let thins sink in. Adding in more detail and less talking will help this a lot. Remember, we are trying to build up suspense to the climax, and along the way connect with your characters so we are really invested in their lives.

Do one more read over when you go back to edit, there are a few word-mix ups (except instead of accept and the like). Otherwise, feel free to ask me any questions you might have!

[Anthem of Angels]

Thank you! I will fix that up soon.

[Loѕт Boy]

Lunaclan- based on first chapter. I will read over the second and third paragraph and get back to you.

So, first off, you should go back and look over your story. There are a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.

From the beginning I was a little confused when you mentioned Stormdrop and Foxfur when they didn't really come up in that paragraph, or any others until paragraph four. Instead, you should add a little more detail about the surrounding, what she sees, hears, or smells. It would give the reader a bigger picture to work with while they read. I think you really wrote what a cat would do in any situation.

All in all the chapter was good. Try, when there is one on one conversations, to separate the lines when each cat speaks. It will help the reader determine who is talking(end of paragraph 3). And there are a few run of sentences that should be separated with a period. If you change these, it would really be a good story. The story behind it is kind of lacking. The plot doesn't tell me anything about what is going to happen, it's mostly about the history of Luna Clan. Add a little more to the plot.

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

Username: ~DavidBryanRashbaum~

Writing style: I try to fuse in a little bit of every thing when I write.

Example of writing: on Cadin's WORKS I'VE READ list mine is Eyes of Fire, Your love is blind Prolouge, Chapter one of your love is blind as well as chapter two.

Why you?:I am the chosen one....just kidding! Because I would like to explore other people's writing styles.

pm to Cadin upon completion: I did