Day 19 of not seeing C.
This update's different, though. I've been thinking a lot lately, about everything that's happened between me and C this past year, as well as the past four years. I've realized how much I took him for granted. I went from thinking he was just another annoying, immature teenage guy, to realizing there is so much more to him than he lets on. We're more alike than I thought. I've known him for four years, but he's always been the guy in the background. I never noticed him. I've wondered whether he noticed me or not. But this year was different. I came to trust him, and I can only hope that he trusted me as much. To me, this is big. I can count on one hand the number of people I nearly completely trust. I don't completely trust anyone, but besides family or soemthing, it's just two of my best friends, and him. I know I could tell him anything, and although he would probably make a few jokes at first, he wouldn't tell anyone. It sounds horrible that if I told him something serious he'd joke around and tease me for it, but I would do the same thing. We both hide behind humor. I don't deal with feelings, I just bottle everything up. It's probably why it took me so long to figure out I liked him. But, although he jokes around, the few times I've seen him be serious, it was when he was talking to me in the middle of the year.
Anyway, the point of this update is for me to try and make sense of everything that's been going on lately. To understand it, you need a bit of background information. Four years ago, I started to like a guy, who I now call A. We didn't speak for two years, until this march. I still like him, and last december, I came to the reslization that I might love him. It took me years to admit it to myself. Maybe a week ago, I was just thinking about C, and the thought that I loved him popped into my head. It keeps popping into my head, even though I try to deny it. The thing is, I can't love him. It's been a year, at most. It took me months to admit that I liked him as a friend, and even more to admit I actually liked him. And now, part of my brain is telling me that I love him. I just don't know what to think. I think about him all day. I dream about him. I can easily imagine spending years with him, and being completely happy. I'm not one for commitment, and for me, this is huge. I can't commit to painting my toenails, and now I feel like I could spend years with one guy. And part of me thinks he would feel the same way. Basically, does anyone have a clue what I'm feeling? I need to know this isn't just some phase, even though it's been months. Though, I'm not sure what telling random strangers on the internet does...