TheComfortCorner | V.10

[crabodile]

i take care of a couple of feral cats. there used to be 10+ but they woukd come and go and i would TNR them and about 70% of the time they would disappear after that. which is fine. they're outside cats. they arent mine. i just get to take care of them when they decide im worthy of that. theres 5 now-4, i guess. 3, maybe, if he never comes home. but anyways, this one cat--she was one of the originals. like, g2. and today i was leaving in the early morning and she had been run over.

my cats-im sure theyve died before. when they disappear, sometimes, im sure thats it for them. sometimes i cry and think the worst. somehow this hurts more. it hurts that i found her, that i know for sure shes gone forever. that i wont slowly forget about the good times and eventually ill be able to think, ah, that little freak, i hope shes having fun on some farm 2 miles away after she ate my food for 2 years, or something. i wish there was that unknown that lets me make up stories and pretend everythings ok. i want everything to be ok.

im terrible at detaching myself from these cats. they play in my yard and they greet each other and they fight over the best food or sleeping spots. ive been caring for them for 4 years. 4 years, and im never going to see her poddle out of that barn again and nervously ask me to feed her. just yesterday she had led me through a giant spiderweb as she baited me to feed her away from the others! she always loved that barn. it made her feel safer, i think. but im never going to throw her a piece of cheese and im never going to feel her headbump my shin and then immediately take off like im about to grab her at the speed of light. i wont see her progress with the other cats (oh, had she been progressing! even with the black one, her sister, who shes been beefing with since they were kittens....) i havent known her enough yet.

i know thats the risk you take with outdoor cats. maybe she could have thrived in a home, if i could have found someone to take her, if she ever got used to humans. ill never know. i think i did her well enough. at least she was never hungry. at least she had shelter. at least she was spayed, living with other cats. at least she knew love - i hope she knew i loved her. love her.

and now shes buried in the middle of the yard and ill never see her sweet little mousy face again. ill never have to stand outside calling for her to eat before the others eat it all without her. one day in ten months or a year or maybe two the ground is going to lie flat again and i wont even know the exact spot shes buried. one day in six weeks or nine or twelve i wont even think of her except as a passing thought, a whim, a cat i grew up with and used to love but cant even remember what her meow sounded like.

that day is not today. i grieve and think i forget and then grieve some more. she deserves that, i think, for someone to know her. i hope it was swift and painless and i hope whatever happens to souls after all this that she gets the best treatment. she gets to go to some afterlife and eat steak or be reborn into the richest and kindest family with the most loving people.

i wish she knew id choose her over me. maybe she does. i hope she does. she was my favorite, i think. dont tell the others. im going to love her for a long time.

[ElectricLime]

.

[stellulite]

staying when there’s nothing for you
staying when there’s no longer any love for you
staying when you’re sticking around for others comfort

there is nothing for you.

[bubbaberriboo]

i can’t. do. this. every time i get close to maybe getting out of this situation, everything has to go wrong. i can’t do this. i can’t juggle all of this at once im only one person im sorry im sorry im sorry this is too much im sorry i wish i was normal i want to get out of here

[twilispark]

i am lonely

[sinensys]

i'm beginning to understand the hate some people have for this disorder. i haven't had this kind of depression with the understanding that it was a bipolar depression until now. it is miserable. i cannot eat because nothing sounds good. i want to withdraw from everything despite the fact that i am dying for contact and am desperately awaiting next week when everything begins and eagerly await the excuses to meet people. even on medication my brain baton passes between highs and lows, each side fighting for the blanket and leaving the other to shiver. i know anxiety and excitement are two sides of the same coin, but why can't i keep myself from oscillating between unreasonable elation and gut-wrenching dread?

[OKULTRA]

My Car Broke Down Are You Joking Me I Can't Afford This
edit: okay thats $800 debt and my birthday plans gone.......
edit: okay thats me out of a job and a car....

[♥ mizu]

just so stressed and there's nothing i can do about it

[sirpiusofgrizz]

i am at another Horrific Low Point and i know there's no options for me besides "wait for it to pass" because there's so little reassurance seems to do when i get this bad and anyways nobody deserves to listen to me go on and on like my life is so bad just because some people are mean to me and i suck at writing and my family is a tragedy. there's people with it way worse. at least i have friends and a family and stuff im just ungrateful and think i have some right to be so sad and paranoid like my life is soooo rouuugh

im being too hard on myself i know. i just dont get why i cant suck it up

[demodog]

i cant tell if im ever doing anything right, i just kind of have to see where it goes.
i hope im doing it right, i hope im okay as a partner, friend and sister.
i care for everyone around me so deeply but im aware i can be a bit clingy or insensitive, i dont mean to and i dont know how nor why i end up being hurtful, i dont really realize what im saying comes off rude but apparently it is. like i just can be painfully honest or direct and i dont realize that it can come off mean?? idk if that makes any sense.