by The Royal Mirage » Mon Apr 23, 2018 6:27 pm
((oh lordie, finally a break! Moved back home the day after my last exam, then immediately shipped myself off an hour and a half away for a friend's birthday, stayed overnight there and went to her barn, then spent the next couple days at my bf's place. Feels like the first good hour I've had to myself in way too long))
Dragging along the gruff fae, n'Obi's gaze became trained on the new wolf Ruby had pointed out, brows flashing up in a silent indication of interest in conversation. Again, the crafter noted the brute's similarity to a bear, the slight sway emphasizing his hulking, shaggy form. It made his toes itch, the strong connection between the two reminding n'Obi sharply of his ties to his own totem. But perhaps those were thoughts best saved for another time, tucked back in his mind for later. "Excuse me, you're the wolf who brought down the bull moose with Ruby here, right?" he clarified, for the sake of catching their new companion up to speed. "My name is n'Obi, I'm a crafter from a tribe far south of here."
It was a battle in and of itself to keep the surly expression from overtaking her face as Ruby noted the flash of amusement in Clarence's ocean depth eyes, flicking her own to the side as the beige stranger bound exuberantly ahead towards the pair of brutes she had come to know only somewhat well over these past few months. As he spoke, her sunbeam gaze flickered to Saber, wondering momentarily what he was thinking about their kill, but trying not to show her interest too keenly. It wouldn't do to seem too concerned with appearances in this pack, though she seemed to be fitting in well so far.
((I'm really rusty, wow. I'll try to get more replies up later, but I don't want to muck up such important interactions with Opal and Lilith right now. Just really not in the right headspace, but hopefully will be later <3 ))
As the brute and fae departed, the charcoal alpha became painfully aware that he was now alone again with Jesse. A flicker of nervousness seized up his slender figure, form going rigid a moment before remembering the comfortable companionship they had reached before Gemini left. Remember, the staring is just to make sure he understands you, don't get self conscious. The internal pep-talk didn't help in slowing his heartbeat as the sun-speckled brute turned to his fair companion, but it was enough of an internal shove to force a few words from Gemini's maw. "Seems everyone is always on the move, huh," he started, feeling that his voice, in an attempt not to mumble, sounded a bit harsher and more stilted than the usual soft tones. Violet orbs flickered to Jesse's own grays, a small smile lifting his lips faintly. "You're welcome to rest if you want, th-there's no obligation for you to make nice right now." Surely Jesse was tired, not only from his long and arduous journey, but also from having taken it with such a nagging injury and so little nutrients. Rest and food would help build the brute's condition again surely, the idea of a Jesse even larger and more formidable bidding more heat to lick at the young alpha's cheeks. Not many wolves could compare physically, even in his current state, though the image may have also been contributed to by the short fur that covered the brute's body, leaving the lines of his form visibly distinct, its white colour making him stand out even moreso than a darker wolf would have. Surely, Gemini must look comically small and feeble in comparison.
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An aching pain tugged at her chest as Sparrow pulled away, yearning to lean forward and press her nose into the fae's dusky fur, to let the plush warmth dry her tired eyes and sooth her sorrows. Was it really alright to rely on Sparrow, to dump her mistakes on the other fae and expect comfort and compassion? And even if she did, would that only awaken the truth in the tracker's mind, that Lilith had been stupid and deserved every wave of longing and misery that crushed her body and stole the breath from her lungs? How was it possible, that the sight of one creature could bring everything rushing back, the feelings as fresh as they had been that first night alone. She had been doing so well, but now...
Lips trembling, Lilith's gaze narrowed in on Sparrow's paws, unable to look the fae in the face as she decided that she would be selfish again, unable to hold back and somehow knowing that, if she could, Sparrow would drag it out of her anyways. As her maw split open, trying to form words that her heart was so hesitant to speak, the edges twitched, holding back a grimace of pain. The effort the midnight fae put into her reply was achingly obvious, the sight of Sparrow's paws blurring as she steeled her resolve. "I..." she managed, before gasping back a sob, a few tears slipping down her cheeks as she shut her eyes tight, lines of bright teal contrasting against silken navy.
"My mate," she whispered shakily after a moment of silence, opening her eyes just a slit as more wetness managed to leak from the creases. Still she couldn't look Sparrow in the eye, but just managing to get those few words out helped her with the next ones. "The fae you met before... Kirsten..." The thought of the raven black fae flashed into her mind again, though this time it was not the ragged traveler they had come across - the image was a laughing creature of dancing affection. "Kirsten is his sister... we were packmates." Memories of the past flooded her mind, choking her throat into another gasping sob; that first time they met, gazing up at two silhouettes, and being completely thrown off by that wild creature. Even now, so long after leaving and so far from his embrace, Lilith yearned to be held again, to feel that fear of his absence dissipate if only for a moment. She no longer had control as the words began to spill from her lips, telling Sparrow everything as she relived them in her own mind.
"He was the pack's leader, and he was... incredible. I couldn't describe him if I tried, I'm sorry. I didn't want to get involved, he was pursued by pretty much every fae in the pack," she explained, voice quieting as she managed to calm down a bit. "Looks, charm, status, mystique, he had it all, so of course they wanted him. I didn't want any part in it." A smile, sad and pained, cracked the corners of Lilith's lips, thinking how futile her internal protests had been. "Of course, I fell for him anyway. Somehow the feeling was mutual, and it was... it was strange, to feel so happy yet so terrified at the same time." Another sob mingled this time with laughter, humorless in its shape and tone. She remembered so clearly the elation she had felt when Cray reciprocated her feelings, and the gut-wrenching fear anytime he was out of sight, off with another fae. "Even after all we went through to make it official, I was still terrified. I knew I wasn't.. I'm not..." I'm not a worthy mate, I'm not able to give him everything a mate should, the thoughts shouted themselves out, but Lilith kept this secret self-pity to herself. Even after waiting for him for months, visiting his family in that bizarre, far off land, she was still afraid. Afraid that any fae that ran off with him would be able to give him more, make him happier, than she ever could.
"None of the other doves cared. They knew I was his mate, that he had chosen me; they still pulled him along as though every whisper didn't cut my heart open. They tried to make him hate me, so that he would love them." Soul, an old, mostly forgotten memory, surfaced - she had pursued him the most fervently. Even the thought of the exotic fae made her stomach turn. "Maybe I could have put up with that alone, but he would still entertain their fantasies. Every time he lead another one off on a hunt or a scout, I knew what they wanted, and I'm sure he knew too. I..." And again, the pain, the self-doubt, tore into her flesh and made a nest of her lungs, Lilith trembling. She no longer noticed the stream of tears that flowed unhindered down her face. "I started to wonder... if he was hoping another would catch his eye. He knew my... shortcomings, it's only natural to want... to want something more than what I can give." To want a future for your lineage, to want someone truly confident and comfortable in their own skin, those were natural desires, right? "I would get angry too, I'd run off with other brutes in the pack, try to distract myself. But anytime they got too close.. I felt how wrong it was, I didn't want them pursuing me. I wanted him to pursue me, to show that he still wanted me. No one else could fill that emptiness..."
"It got to the point where I couldn't stand to sleep next to him, my dreams full of coal and grey and electric blue suddenly gone from my life. I couldn't handle the fear any more... so I left, taking Lia and Maia away too." Names flashed into her mind as the memory of running late in the night resurfaced: Neytiri, Kendoro, Karma, Madeline, all wolves she would never see again. "I left my one friend, the only fae who didn't want him, and I tore Maia away from friends and a future there. Lia wasn't attached, but they still followed me away from a home where they could have been happy." Her sisters would never admit whether they had wanted to stay or not, she knew that much, but she still felt the guilt of having taken them from somewhere they might have settled into well.
Teary teal orbs finally lifted again, brows pulled together as Lilith searched Sparrow's gaze. She had brought this misery upon herself, and she felt she deserved the disapproving look that was sure to grace the other fae's expression. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she lifted her chin slightly, grimace still in place as still more tears managed to slide down her face. "I miss them, and it's all my fault. I caused this, my selfishness and my insecurity caused all of it." And now, she had let herself be selfish again in telling Sparrow everything. Even if she wanted to be comforted, somehow it would still hurt; it would be easier if Sparrow agreed that she was to blame, then this pain she inflicted upon herself would at least be validated. But immature as it was, she still wanted to put off that pain, to not suffer just yet, even if someday she would have to.
((... welp, I got into the Lilith headspace. Just had to stay up until 2 in the morning >< I'll get Opal tomorrow, night guys))