❝ she whispered to the ocean and the ocean whispered back ❞

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username. trans ` name. evelynn ` gender. female

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the sand is gritty as it gets inbetween your toes, and your eyes, bloodshot and itchy, stare at the glassy surface washing over your feet. your arms are slack at your sides, and your back is hunched. a memory, a flash of one, passes through your mind, of someone telling you to fix your posture and not to slouch so much, but it's gone as fast as it came. with a shaky sigh, you run your hand through your bangs, your brain a foggy, clouded mess, unsure even of its own self, and you feel a haze wash over you stronger than before.

you think about her voice. soft, sweet, smooth like honey. the holy trinity. the triple s's. the way she says your name makes you melt, feel all goey inside, wonder why any other girl saying your name doesnt make you feel like ice cream in the middle of a hot summer day. you also think about what she said the last time you talked. she told you she wanted to be alone. you asked her what was wrong repeatedly. she said you're... a lot of things you wont repeat. you screamed it all back at her, regurgitated words with no meanings or feelings behind them, but you saw the hurt on her face, the trust she had in you falter, before she ran off into the woods, following the train track nobody uses anymore and half the small town's residents dont even know about.

so here you are, at the beach, her favorite place, hoping she'll forgive you while you do your best, in the mean time, to pretend nothing's wrong at all. maybe it's stupid, and maybe it's bad for you to bottle up your emotions like this all the time, ignore then in hopes they'll go away, but it's how you cope.

you reach down to scoop up some sand, and watch the granules slip back through your fingers. your hands feel numb, but also dont, and the sand is weightless in your palms. weightless, like the thoughts in your mind, thoughts slipping away like sand in a hourglass to a destination unknown even to you.

you wonder if your mom were here right now, would she think you're being stupid? would she comfort you; pull you close like she used to when you were a kid and just hold you, whispering soothing things into your ear and singing you a song to calm you down? for some reason, you dont think she would. she'd probably scold you for being too emotional, for not taking care of yourself, for failing to deal with your emotions and handle what's going on around you and in your life.

tears bubble under your eyes, but you try to push them back. you're not gonna cry, you're not weak, you're not gonna cry here if it's the last thing you do. you swipe at your eyes, glaring at the tide, the waves rushing over your feet, and as you sit amongst the sand dunes around you, you feel yourself grow small, shrink in on yourself, and before you can stop the thought in its tracks, the desire to step into the water and let the ocean's waves carry you away, take you somewhere you can be free, somewhere far, far, far away from here, away from everything. despite your best efforts, tears work their way down your cheeks, leaving thin, crystal clear trails like miniature rivers.

you're drawn out of your self-deprecating and depressing thoughts by the sound of footsteps. light and quiet; you almost believe you had just misheard. but then you keep hearing them, coming closer, closer, and you crane your head behind you, but there's nothing there. you look back at the water outstretching into the horizon, and instantly you spot it; a white, wispy figure standing a few feet away, almost waist-deep in water. their face is hidden by a veil that was a light blue, like sea foam, and bubbles rose and dissipated at their feet. you were just as intrigued as you were afraid, and as you get up and step back, closer and closer to the ocean, the figure advances silently, saying nothing yet absolutely terrifying in their silence.

"who are you?" you croak out, vision still blurry, voice full of a burning fear that scalds your insides and a white hot anger that boils in your gut.

"im nothing, but everything, and anything, at the same time. i am time itself. i am outside of this plane of existence, all-seeing, omnipotent; a being, a force, unhindered by the laws of your people and any other people to have existed. not even a god controls me─i am god." the figure says cryptically, yet answers you, technically, and its long, stick-thin fingers come to rest daintily in front of them, clutched together in an almost prayer-like position. you squint at it, wondering many things, mind filled with just as many questions, but you dare not voice a single one.

"nice try. who─what are you?" you growl, teeth gnashing, grinding against each other while your fists clench at your sides, and the waves up a pure, blood red rage engulf you, consume you, eat you alive. when they say nothing, you take a step forward; a daring move... for a coward. your mind hisses. you take another step forward, feeling stupid courage and stupid bravery run through your veins and pump straight into your heart. "answer me!"

"im whatever you want me to be. whoever you want me to be. like, for example," it closes its eyes, and you watch its white, wispy form change─shape shift─into a shimmery, glittery, spitting image of your mother. it's like she's right there... right...

here. you take several steps forward, stumble clumsily, breath hitching; you reach out, touch her─its─shirt (this thing isnt your mother), and tears fall freely down your face. the texture, the look, even the shiny pin on her─its─shirt... it's the same.

it's the same.

before you can stop yourself, you rip at the cloth violently, tear a piece off, badge coming with it in a quick rip that echoes too loud in your ears, and you stare, stare way too long at the shiny little pin, shiny as the day she'd first bought it, and your knees buckle; you sink to your knees in a heap, screaming into your hand and biting your knuckles, drawing blood; you pound your fists into the sand, hot tears rolling down your cheeks and dripping onto the sand; and all the while, the figure says nothing, makes no move to offer comfort or give you a sympathetic gesture of kindness; just silently morphs back to its original form. you feel a weight disappear from between your hand, and the pin and fabric you'd ripped off is gone; like it was never there to begin with.

you look up, a wildfire in your eyes, a scream in your throat; "who are you?! why are you even here?! what did you even come here for?!" you get to your feet shakily, a furious snarl in your throat, an angry cry, a war cry; but the figure isnt there. instead, you find it walking towards the ocean, slowly fading, slowly, like the tides, and the seashells, and the sand, being washed over and eroded over decades and centuries.

they say nothing for the longest time, lingering, just on the bank of the shore, dress flowing in the wind, hair and fabric blowing around in an unnaturally perfect rhythm; a symphony, a sound so in sync you cant tell what makes it a sound apart; yet they eventually turn, turn to face you, look you in the eyes with the deadest, most pure white eyes, glowing; glowing brighter than any star or sun or anything really, that you've ever seen.

"i told you. im what you want me to be. but this once, just this once; i will humor you. consider it an honor to receive such a blessing." it said, simply, with the tiniest fraction of a smile; just a hint; and stepped towards you just a little, gesturing you closer to it, to the shore. you do as it instructed, although reluctant, and your eyes squint in confusion, and your brows knit, as it speaks, whispers in a voice barely above what you'd call a whisper; barely a breath on the wind.

"1-800-273-8255." it said quietly, and you suppose it sensed your confusion, because a hearty chuckle erupted from its mouth, and you're frustrated for a moment before it realizes something; you're sure a light bulb went off over its head. you're still confused, but it looks like the figure will shed some light on it for you.

"that is my name. when you get home, look it up. it will tell you everything you need to do. do you understand?" you nod, still confused and unsure, but not wanting to anger it, and maybe, just maybe, a little more confident about things. who knows, maybe it'll actually be something? you sure hope so.

at your nod, it steps back, doesnt leave a single lingering touch or something to remember it by except a soft, quiet whisper you barely hear, and before you know it, disappears into the water, fading completely, and even though you just saw it, you struggle to remember what it looked like or anything else it said except the last few bits of your conversation. and as you sink back into the sand, fists grabbing handfuls of sand and crushing the granules between your fingers, your palms, you decide to pull out your phone, tapping in the numbers it told you to look up.

the words of the figure echo in your mind as you read the first result.

and evelynn? dont do it. whatever you do, dont do it.