by .Spaceman. » Sat Dec 31, 2016 1:37 pm
dammit
ever since his brother died I've been distancing myself more and more
I gave up childish thoughts a few years ago and started to disassociate
with him. I don't know if the change was visible to anyone, but some
of the questions I've been asked hurt. No, I don't hate him. Please don't
ever think I do. Since his brother's passing, just seeing him online makes
me freeze up. When I get back to school I'm not sure how I'll talk to him.
Nothing I say will make anything better. Everything I do will make it worse.
I don't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I know he's moving on with his life, playing video games like he does and
probably hanging out with friends more worthy than I am. It makes me
realize how weak and fragile I am. They all say I am so great
they have no idea
every night in the past two weeks I just lay there
and I despise myself
I despise myself for not doing anything
all I do is run away.
Run from the problems and put up a smile like I'm all fine.
I'm not all fine
and I can't tell you
I can't bring myself to say a word
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry.
--------
Deep breaths. Glad to get that off my chest.
^Kinda related to the above rant, I'm just not sure where to go or what to do from here. This is just me trying to sort my feelings.
A, you were always a friend to me. Even when I was closed off to you (and still am). You're the forward friend, and I hope you know love you for that.
B, you and I have gotten close this year. You're the one that puts a smile on my face. You talk to me when I have no one else around, and I love you for that.
I, I wish I'd paid more attention to you in the years that we've known each other. You were the quiet friend, but you were always there for us in your own way. And I love you for that.
S, I don't know how to feel anymore but I know that you would be the one that I could hug when I needed it. I looked forward to seeing and talking with you. You gave me what I never had, and I love you for that.
I love all four of you, so so much. It hurts to think through the details, but all I need to know is that I love you boys more than you know.