by Aerospiders » Mon Mar 04, 2024 4:08 pm
Dear A and J, I still think of you two despite it being months since we last spoke. I see you two in my dreams sometimes and I just wake up feeling awful. I don't even want to do the math and see how many days in total it's been since we cut ties. I don't think I'll be able to fathom it. I know it's been over 100 days, considering it was October 8th, but I just feel like that knowledge alone is enough for me. I can't listen to the music you two showed me, I can't listen to the music that reminds me too much of you two. A few days ago, "In My Life" played while on shuffle and I just had to turn it off because it was too much for me. We didn't even listen to that song a whole bunch but it hurts so deeply listening to it because it just reminds me of you two. From the melody, the love, the memories, the lyrics; I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to that song again. A, we used to listen to "Hey Sunshine" so much, and I just can't even think of the song anymore without wanting to stop myself from going down the rabbit hole of memories. We used to always say "is this the end, or just the start?" because we thought that's what the song said, and even after finding out the lyrics were "in the end you're just a star" we thought that was ridiculous and kept singing it how we liked it. The songs you showed me a long time ago keep playing on shuffle too, A. I can't describe how beautiful these songs are, but I just can't listen to them anymore. I can't. Music was such a big part of our friendship, and while music has been there for me throughout this breakup it's also been my biggest enemy. or am i my biggest enemy? I don't know. i'm sorry. I know you both said it wasn't my fault, but I just feel like a failure. i know you two love me still, and that's what hurts the most. you both left because it'd be in my best interest you said, because of my grades, excessive filter, and everything else mentioned. im trying to improve my grades, and after the breakup they were starting to get actually pretty good. I can't thank you both enough for that, and im just so sorry i had such low self-esteem and social anxiety back then. A, I keep thinking of what you said about this likely being temporary. if you two have moved on, that's okay. i want nothing but the best for you both, i really do. i hope you two are happy wherever you both are, i hope you two are thriving and doing alot better. you also mentioned how you wanted me to find my circle and not rely on people who live remarkably different lives from me and i just don't think i'll forget that. i always thought we were inseparable; we did everything together and im just so dissapointed with myself for not realizing this sooner. I noticed you both still follow me on spotify, roblox, the game we loved playing together, and A's alt accounts still follow me on my other social media accounts. i don't know if it was on purpose or not. J, I see you go online alot and everytime you do i'm always scared you'll unfriend me - as a final goodbye. but you haven't. what does this mean? am i just overthinking it? you two were my only friends, my closest ones too. we shared everything together and i just hope you two aren't mad at me, i hope you two don't hate me. i hope this entire thing didn't shatter completely. I love you both so much, I really do. even saying that feels like a vast understatement. I wish you two were here. i hope you two don't forget how much I love you, if this truly is the end. You two mean the world to me. I wouldn't be who I am now without you both. I owe you two everything.
In the end you're just a star, A and J.
Love, Jay.
And to my brother, AN, I can't describe how much it means to me that you came into my life. I still remember it, it was my birthday month and we immediately bonded over things like Postal, old movies, music, etc. It was the first time we've really spoken in years and it made me realize just how similar we are. I mean, thats kind of what happens when you have a punk metalhead for a dad - he raises nerdy, punk metalhead kids but it's still really cool haha. You introduced me to so many of my favorite games, World of Warcraft, Left 4 Dead 2, Dead by Daylight, Sea of Thieves, The Forest, Palworld, the list goes on. We play video games together every night, the call length averaging about 3 hours every night lol and I always look forward to when it turns 9:00 PM because that means it's time to play some good stuff. I know we were raised in a way where emotion is kinda awkward to talk about so I never told you this but I love you, and I couldn't ask for a better brother. I have two of the coolest, seriously. You don't know it, but you helped me throughout the toughest of times. I hope we never stop playing games together, you big nerd. Also, I hope we see each other soon. The last time I saw you I remember I was in the car sitting on a carseat crying because you were either moving away or going to the military. Wow, that puts things in perspective doesn't it lol, that was a LONG time ago! Also, happy birthday! I hope your day goes amazingly! P.S. hee hee hoo hee hee hoo
