Clan: Spirits of the Mayombé
Name: Ndosi
Gender: tbd
Age: 26 moons
Rank: refugee
Prompt:
Entry 1:
The grass is wetter than usual and I went to Diboka for council today. I went because I’m not used to the emotions I’m currently feeling. I am usually more reserved and analytical, at times spacey. Never though am I overcome with emotions. Recently though I have this big emotional ball within me that seems impossible to tangle. So I went to Diboka and asked them for emotional guidance. They were calming and gentle and we talked. At the end they told me to write down my thoughts, that writing them down maybe I could begin to understand them. I liked that approach it feels more scientific, something more in my territory and familiar.
List of feelings/thoughts:
When I am around Ndeke I feel different.
When we speak I feel more energetic.
She does not ignore me like others.
She is interested in what I have to say.
When I first joined the clan she didn’t look at me suspiciously.
She doesn’t dislike my features like I do.
My emotions are shifting and I don’t know why.
I think I am going to talk to Diboka again tomorrow if she’s not performing her ritual duties.
Entry 2:
I spoke to Diboka again. She asked me what I wrote down so I read her my list. She said that I shouldn’t limit them to a list and let myself just write freely but that this was still good. I asked her what it meant but she said it was probably best if I figured out my emotions and that she would give guidance along the way and ask questions but I need to understand myself.
“You’re so curious about what is going on out here” she said, waving her paws to the surrounding jungle, “put you need to know what’s happening here,” she tapped her paw to my forehead, “and here” and she rested her paw on my chest above my heart.
I understand I need to be more in tune with myself but I’m confused and disoriented. I remember as a kit accidentally falling into a river and those few moments before my mother fished me out. The feeling of confusion and uncertainty and being way out of my depth. It’s this feeling now. Except unlike the river I’m not panicked in the same way. I don’t fear for my life but instead panic when Ndeke rests her head on mine. Or when she smiles at me.
A list of times I panic (in a non-river-drowning-way)
When she smiles at me
When she rests on me
When she grooms my fur
When she starts talking excitedly about something
When she compliments me
When she looks proud after coming back from a successful hunt
When she looks around for me
The face she makes when she finds me
The face she makes when we relax at night looking at the sky
Entry 3:
I didn’t go to Diboka today, I’m working on sorting out my own emotions. We had some visitors today. Cats who claim they came from up north, a place where thick jungle finds defeat in grassy plains. They brought gifts and spoke with our leader. One looked at me weirdly though. The cats in this clan have gotten used to my appearance so I haven’t seen that look in a while. Ndeke and I were lounging in a spot of sun and the cat approached us. He was shades of grey and black and like Ndeke he had scars. He came up and asked Ndeke what was wrong with me. I don’t know why he didn’t ask me. “Why do they look like that?” Ndeke made a face I didn’t like. I wasn’t great at understanding emotions but I knew Ndeke was very very angry. I spaced out then. I think I’ve mentioned I’m not good at paying attention to things sometimes. The sun was warm and I didn’t like arguing and why were they both so loud! So I stuck my face in Ndeke’s fur and breathed in the smell.
Add that to the list from last time, the feeling of Ndeke’s fur.
Once things calmed down I finally looked up. The cat was leaving in a huff and he didn’t seem pleased but at least they had stopped arguing. Ndeke asked if I wanted to go relax by the pond and I could think of nothing better than leaving the visitors, at least for a bit.
As we sat by the pond and watched small frogs and newts Ndeke kept giving me looks. I don’t know what they meant I couldn’t decipher them. Eventually she spoke, “You know nothing is wrong with you, right?”
“Well I am missing part of a limb and my tails and eyes are weird.”
“But that doesn’t mean something is wrong per se. You’re just different.”
“Is this about the visitor from earlier?”
“Maybe,” She said as she leaned against my fur. The panic-but-not-drowning-panic feeling was in my chest as she did that. “I just don’t want anyone to be rude to you like that”
I hummed and considered it. I didn’t mind what happened now though especially since Ndeke was with me. And then as she began to drift off on my shoulder it hit me. Love. I was dense I knew that but I was surprised the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. I didn’t know what to do with this information. Did Ndeke feel love for me? What am I supposed to do? I felt lost and happy and confused and content all at once.
Entry 4:
I went to Diboka again. I told her I knew what emotion it was and told her it was love. Diboka did not seem surprised in the slightest. In fact, she had a knowing grin on her face. I asked her how she knew and she explained that “even the blind could see it,” which alarmed me a bit. Did this mean Ndeke knew? I felt slightly embarrassed. I tended to think of myself as quieter and more reserved and the idea that everyone knew how I was feeling, even when I didn’t startled me. It also started me the gravity of this emotion. Love was a strong word but I didn’t know how else to describe it. When we stargazed at night she felt like the only person in the world. I didn’t feel any stress or sadness just a calm. I remember eventually having to go back and missing the moment already. Being with her felt as easy as breathing and like I was everything. I felt the liveliness of the jungle within me and feel so entirely me, whoever that may be.
“What do I now? Does she love me back?”
“I can’t give you answers but I’ll suggest telling her how you feel. Something tells me it’s going to work out well,” Diboka then smiled knowingly to herself.
I think she’s right I’m going to tell her. I hope she loves me back.
