Jayfeather's Stick wrote:Ah, is my Treat story okay? (aka the message I put when I give treats out) I need opinions!
tap... tap... tap. tap. tap. TAP. TAP. Noises of something--or someone walking get louder and louder. TAP. TAP. TAP... Creeeeeeek The door opens but nobody seems to be there. A swift breeze coming from the house pushes you backwards, and you shiver.
You notice on the door, there is bad handwriting that you can barley read.
A short dragon in a cloak and a large raven appear.
Behind them, there is a large candy bowl that not many have taken from,
so you can see that only those with the best costumes pass.
Now you could make out what the words on the door said,
"Those with great costumes succeed, those without costumes"
you couldn't read out the rest. You shiver in fear, knowing your
costume is good, but was it good enough?
The dragon approvingly nods at the raven several times and then
several times at you. "CAW! CAW-CAW!" the raven cawed
at you, and you step inside and walk towards the bowl. The dragon
takes the bowl/pillowcase and pours some of your favorite candies
into your basket. "Happy Halloween, -insert trick-or-treaters name-"
the Raven says, cocking his head back and laughs.
"Happy Halloween, -insert trick-or-treaters name-" the Dragon says and
pads away. The door shuts. creeeeeeeek. TAP.. TAP..
TAP... tap.... tap... tap. tap. tap. The tapping stops and you move
on to the next house.
ʏᴏᴜ'ᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ
ᴛʀᴇᴀᴛᴇᴅ ʙʏ
ᴊᴀʏғᴇᴀᴛʜᴇʀ's sᴛɪᴄᴋ
I'm currently working on my trick story, so I haven't given out any tricks
I like it! What I would add, is something about what the dragon sounded like? Does he have a rumbling, booming voice? How about a raspy one? Does it tell the reader anything about how old the dragon might be?
One thing I would change is how the dragon seems to repeat what the crow says at the end. Instead, maybe the crow still says. "happy Halloween, (trick or treater's name)," and the dragon says something mysterious, maybe (he) smiles, or maybe he just says "Have a good night."
Those are just suggestions, though. I really do like your treat message!