sparkitek; wrote:
i may or may not be being bullied by the members of a clique i used to be in until something happened and i left
isn't stabbing me in the back enough for these jerks?
- hey hey ignore them!
you know you're better than what they're saying
and you're better than them c:
if you're so hurt, maybe try confronting them and
say you're not happy with the way they are treating you!
good luck <3
~NinjaCatBlue~ wrote:I don't know how many times I've written up something to post here. I always end up deleting it all once I'm done typing it up. Once I post it, I can't take it back. Who knows. I might post it this time.
I've always tried my hardest to make my mom proud of me and happy. This looks like it is impossible the harder I try. When I was younger and made a mistake, I would hide it because I was scared of how she reacts. I still am. It didn't matter if I passed a class with 67%, or 99%. I still should have done better. After all, she did better. Most of middle school and high school when she would drive me in the morning, she would say mean things. Things that hurt. Things that I know have affected me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've mastered crying out of one eye because of this. If she saw me crying at what she said she would get mad. I was always early to school so I could go to the bathroom and hide how red my eyes had gotten with some simple cover up. I hid in books too. I would pretend to read while she talked to me. I would pretend to read when I heard other people talking about me. I knew little about what it meant to be female, and a girl until my friends helped me. I had to buy my own feminine things, and my mother refused to believe what my bra size was and only got me training bras through 10th grade. It physically hurt. I've always struggled with making friends, and over time I only got worse. Almost every single one of my friends moved away at some point. My mother always said it was my fault. That they left to get away from me. I'm in college now, and have some kick ass friends! But I feel like I can't talk about my family or past with them. My mother says that my friends are depressing people, when I'm the depressed one, and they are some of the liveliest people I know. She also says that I bad mouth her to my friends. That I manipulate them into feeling sorry for me. That I'm just using them to get attention. I fear that she's right. I fear that when I do tell them the small things and they take my side that I'm manipulating them. That I'm just using them for sympathy. I don't want to do that. My friends are great, wonderful, and kind people. I don't want to use them like that.
Logically I know that she is toxic to me. But I still care about her. On some level. She is still my mother. I try to hide out in my room when I'm home. But at least once an hour, without fail, she calls out my name at the top of her lungs to have me do something for her. Help her take her shoes off. Help her get the remote. Get her a glass of water. ect. Many times if there is an argument she always says 'I hope I die, then how will you survive with out me? You can't.' This tears me up. I don't want her to die. She uses this and other things to manipulate me. I know she's doing it, but I let her. I don't know what else I can do. I'm scared to do anything. So scared that my best friend has offered me a room at her house should I need to leave. I'm just so scared. I make a small mistake years ago, and it is still brought up as evidence against me almost daily. I keep giving her chances, and sometimes she's kind, and pleasant. Others, the first moment we are alone together it's complaints, and berates. Accusations and bold faced lies. I know I';m going to still love her in some way always. I know I will always give her a chance because she is amazing when she's kind. It is just so hard. So hard for me to feel like I deserve anything. To be my best. She keeps putting chains and locks on me. And every time I finally break through one, she puts 2 or 3 more on for the heck of it. I just feel so trapped. So small. Scared.
I always smile. And if I can't smile anymore I pull out a book and hide. I always ask how people are doing, and make sure that if I can help them with something, that I do. I try my best every day. I don't know what else I can do.
- i'm proud of you
i'm proud of you for being able to live through this
childhood that seemed hard, and living with
your own mother who doesn't treat you like a mother
should.
i'm proud of you.
as for your friends, tell them. it might help them
understand you more, and if you trust them and truly
think of them as friends, and they don't tell anyone,
then you know you have found your friends for life.
and then keep hold of them.
tell your mum you're an adult now and she has to
stop treating you like this.
good luck <3
Kyrihn wrote:I feel like I have been so worn out, stressed out, and mentally exhausted since September... I can't seem to catch a break, even where I want to be happiest...
I've been at home for not quite a month since I am on break from college right now. I go back in 8 days. (needless to say, that place is also not where I want to go back to either). And things have been so angry, tense, stressful... I don't even know what to do. I have been on the verge of tears so much since September. I couldn't catch a break at college, and I can't catch a break in my own home.
Since September it seems I have lost all the people that I cared about in my life; partly my fault because I am terrible at keeping in touch with people and partially because the ones I did try to keep in touch with just stopped answering me... Which makes me not wan to try anymore. And my college roommate and former college roommate admitted to talking behind my back, instead of sticking by my side when I needed it most. Yet my roommate still wants to be best friends, but she isn't willing to talk about what she can do to help me. I've been up front about what I've been going through, and what I need her to do so I can feel less stressed in my rooming situation, but she ignores all of it. And I have nowhere to escape to at college; the friends I thought I had stopped answering my texts. No explanation. Yet when I see them and I address that with them, they just brush me off and say "we'll be sure to text you when we hang out again!" and I get no text, ever, but I see many photos on Facebook of what game they are playing, what movie they are watching, or whatever... And it makes me honestly really sad inside.
I do have one more friend there, but he is rarely around because he lives nearby and goes home a lot. And I know he goes through a lot too, maybe even similar to what I go through at home. But he's like me in that he doesn't really contact people a lot and when he does it's short and simple. I truly enjoy hanging out with him at college though, being in his room... I feel like he keeps me sane. Yet he has been hanging out with me less and less and I don't know if it's because I am unintentionally pushing him away because I ended up going home a lot as well last semester, if he was just busy, or... I don't know. I don't want to think about him not liking me as a friend anymore. I don't know if I could handle it.
The one other person that I had in my life doesn't have a Facebook, a decently working phone, and he's not on Skype / my Skype won't work on my computer much anymore so I can't message him like I used to. And I miss him so much it hurts me to think about how I haven't been able to talk to him since the end of September. I don't even know if he still wants to be friends.
And now at home... Everyone is so angry all the time. I can't do it. I feel like I am so emotionally imbalanced because of it. And it makes me feel so down, so mentally exhausted that I don't know how to ask others around me for help, like my friend from college or my old friend who I wish I could talk to. I feel like talking about my problems to them would just weigh them down, and seem selfish, because they both also go through a lot.
Just today my sister, who is my twin so we are the same age so it is highly unacceptable of her to act like this, threw a very angry fit because there was no yellow squash. And for the past weeks I've been on break it's been not stop anger at my parents for everything they do. I ask her why she's so mad, and her response is usually "because they're being annoying" though she gets mad as soon as one of them even walks in the door after not being home for 12+ hours. How can someone be annoying when they haven't even seen you all day?
And it has been that way with her for nearly my whole life. She is so hostile, angry, sets off at the drop of a hat... And I can't take it. And my older sister just feeds into it. So then my mom, dad, and sisters are all yelling at each other and even worse, my older sister tries to drag me into an argument I want nothing to do with and says something like "well you know that this is true" so she's basically putting words in my mouth and not letting me have an opinion on the matter, no matter what it is. The other day we were talking about dog training and she says "well [my name] doesn't put her dog in a kennel because she knows it's wrong" (that was a hypotehtical example. I don't even remember what they were yelling about).
I don't know how much more of this I can handle... No one seems to understand anymore. I have no where to get away, no one that is willing to talk to me... I can't wait for the summertime and for the camp season to begin... I can be a camp counselor again, see some old friends, and get away from toxic college people and my toxic family members...
Sorry that was a long rant, but this has been pent up since I got home in December... And I am honestly miserable here, and miserable that I have to go back to my dreaded campus room... I am going to try to switch rooms, so that might help a bit... I am hoping for a single so I can steer clear of anymore people like my current and old roommates.
- hi!
it's tough living life, isn't it?
but we're all human and we all deal with the same things
about the guy: contact him. ask him if you guys want
to hang out back at college, just for a get together
maybe even talk to him how you feel, he can help
you out and distract you from this gross and not fun
thing called life.
for the person who doesn't have facebook, try and
dig out old address books. maybe you have it somewhere?
you can always send him mail c:
i'm sure they're not angry at you all the time at home!
talking to people won't weigh their life down, and they
only want to help you. it's like you talking on here about
your problems, anybody is willing to help! you're not wasting
our time, or our life. and we want to help you!
have fun at college, and good luck with the room!<3
bearbait wrote:just... really suffering from PTSD right now haha
i hate the flashbacks
i didn't do anything to deserve the trauma
i mean sure i was intoxicated during two of the traumatic of events but i didnt ask for anything to happen to me
and the first time i certainly didnt ask for broken bones
im so miserable
Eath_Hurricane wrote:I have two oral presentations tomorrow that have a lot of impact on my grades and I don't think I can do it. The worst part about it is they're both group presentations and I'm going to weigh down my partners as well. I'm so close to crying right now just out of sheer frustration with myself. Why am I so terrible at presentations? I'm friends with almost everyone in one of the classes, and the other one I still do have friends in, and it's a shorter, easier presentation. When in just in front of my friends talking, I'm so outgoing and dorky and dramatic, but when you put me on a stage, I freeze up. Why? Why why why? Mom, dad, this is why you should have let me do that hobby I wanted to do. It would have helped this.
- hey you'll be okay!
i'm the same as you, put me in front of
a group out of class i'm so loud, but put me
in a presentation and i'll have a panic attack
you'll do great!
just remember this:
this time next year, no one will remember!
no one will remember the presentation
if you do badly, no one will remember!
if you do good, well, you got a good grade!
you'll do brilliant
i have faith in you
and good luck <3
.jpg)
