cloudboyhowell wrote:I feel so dumb. why is it that I have such a passion about the english language, love to be able to help in my class with vocabulary and grammar issues, get asked frequently for help with translation and such ...
but am still not able to get a decent enough grade on exams. 10 out of 15 grade points and 11 out of 15 grade points, I hate myself for that. I know it's pathetic, I am pathetic! people have it worse with this class. but english being the only thing I - seemingly - was good in and having that taken away from me again ... the feeling of failing at something I am so passionate about while others hate it and still get better grades/grade points ... I tried so hard not to let it get to me but I start to hate myself again. because I am not good at anything else and apparently not at english either and I don't want to be exactly what I was told from elementary school on - useless.
plus; having major dysphoria and anxiety doesn't make me like myself either. I really don't want to get bad again and I know my way of thinking right now is doing no good but I'm at a point where I can't name one thing I am good at and not one good thing about myself. I really want to ignore it because it's pathetic acting like this but my brain is yelling worthless at me and I'm starting to question if I am worth sitting on a couch or sleeping in a bed anymore. I wish I could tell my therapist that but I can't express myself like this in my mother tongue and speaking english with him wouldn't work.
I am so so sorry about this but I don't have anywhere to go to anymore. thank you for reading just in case you did.
First of all, in our school system (and I bet we both happen to be in the same; according to your profile I assume your mother tongue is German), 10 points are pretty good and you haven't failed at all.
On the other hand, I know better than most how the pressure you put yourself under feels if you want to be the best. Neither 10 nor 14 points are enough if there are 15.
Experience has shown me: it is always a good way to let teachers know if you help other students. Does your teacher know about that? If not, try to let him/her know. Don't brag about it but don't do it secretly either.
I see you want those shining fifteen points, what about a 20 minute long presentation? About something you are interested in? Please, please talk to your teacher rather today than tomorrow. They need to know about your passion!
And one last word, my elem. teacher once said I would never be able to properly say anything in English and some years later I got my translator, foreign language secretary and foreign language correspondence certificate. Oh and btw, I got back to highschool as well. And I want to be an English teacher. No matter what any teacher says and no matter if I get 10 or 15 points. I do a lot of mistakes and that's fine! That's part of learning and part of everyone's lives.
Those marks don't say a thing about your passion. Marks don't say a lot after all. And someday you'll forget about those ten points. They won't matter in a year, that's a promise! Many teachers have lost their passion years ago.
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