I realize that my post is long, but if you would bother to read it, I would feel so grateful. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it, but I still need comfort.
I really need some comfort right now, if that's okay. Maybe just even a place to rant. You don't have to reply if you can't think of anything to say, this might be hard to relate to or offer comfort for. You'll see what I mean in a minute.
So I've always had this infatuation with horses, ever since I was too young to speak. I took riding lessons when I was about nine for... well, I want to say anywhere from 6 months to a year, I can't really remember. Then money got tight and lessons stopped. About two years ago, I started riding again, when I was a teen. I rode for right about a year when my trainer suggested that I might be ready to lease or own a horse. I had never had a horse before, and all my 'horse sense' was riding barn material, so there wasn't much there, but I was more than willing to learn. Over the course of that year, I had discovered that I didn't want to compete. I wasn't confident in my abilities as a rider, even though I could ride fairly well. I was proud of myself, but didn't want to be judged by anyone other than my trainer.
So my dad really got into the idea of buying a horse for me. He rushed into it, as he's prone to do, and bought me a 16 year-old Oldenburg gelding named Paltrow (that's his registered name, but as horses can be given barn names, I call him Prince Charming, or Prince for short. I never call him Paltrow, and never will unless I show him which, like I said, I don't want to do). I was happy, but my instructor was not, as we had purchased the horse without her involvement whatsoever. A bad idea on my dad's part, I know. So she stopped talking to us and giving us lessons. Luckily, my dad has a friend who's lived with horses his whole life, and he was in the process of building a little two-stall private stable when we were deciding to buy a horse. He offered to let us board there at a discount, would teach me how to care for Prince, and would board his own horse there as well to let me take care of so we could get boarding discounted even more. It was great; I've learned a lot from my dad's friend and go to the stable every day.
So here's my problem that's bothering me so much; my horse doesn't like me. I've had him for 9 months now, and he has not once shown me any affection whatsoever. I fact, he usually shows signs of annoyance and/or anger when I'm around. I have given everything to this horse: my time, my money, my devotion, and my adoration. He sees me every day, I care for him, I've bought him nice things, but he still hates me. What is the point of having a horse that doesn't like you? Riding your own horse isn't enjoyable if it doesn't like you. I am constantly on the lookout at the stable to make sure he doesn't decide to show aggression towards me.
I don't know what to do anymore. He's caused tears of stress, anger, and sadness several times, though I never lash out at him and rarely yell, only when he is severely aggressive or is misbehaving in an extreme way. I do not overwork him; I hardly ride him because it's not enjoyable. I can't pet him because he pins his ears and usually swings his head around and threatens to bite. Either that or he simply walks away from my touch. I've asked my dad's friend for help and he constantly tells me to "show Prince who's boss" by working him on a lounge line, which I've done. I don't overwork him on that, either. I never make him break a sweat because the work is usually tedious, not difficult. I work him for a decent amount of time so he listens to my commands, but he gets breaks and is warmed up to avoid injury.
Am I supposed to get rid of him? I don't want to do that, because I feel like if I do I'll be giving up, and my dad and his friend will be disappointed. And, although it makes me angry to admit it, I still love that stupid horse, even though he treats me like dirt. The worst part about this, though, is how it's made me re-evaluate myself. I used to tell people I was going to grow up and have a bunch of horses that I would take care of. I planned on becoming an agricultural and equine vet, and while that hasn't changed, my plan of owning horses as an adult has. Prince has ruined it for me. I no longer enjoy riding like I used to, and I find myself scared to own horses in the future. I feel awful for admitting this, but sometimes I wish he would die of natural causes overnight, peacefully, so my burden could be over.
Please, I don't know what to do. This horse consumes my life, and I don't know how much more of it I can take.
