Dismal. wrote:Its been so long since my mom has said anything positive about me..
weeks, months, I don't even know when it started
The only time I ever feel welcomed and loved is when I go to church on Wednesdays to help before youth.
Even then, I can't help but wonder if they are just being nice?
A mother shouldn't have a 'reason' to tell her daughter she loves her. I just want to feel like I'm appreciated in my own home..
Maybe your mom is having a hard time with something personally and she's keeping it from you. You may think you know everything about your mom, but everyone has secrets that they're good at keeping. Just remember that she may be struggling as well, and perhaps if you open up to her or even show a bit of affection she'll return the favor. And if not, that's okay. Reach out to others close to you for support and affection, but never give up on your mother.
Also, Church groups are generally very genuine. I suggest going to your church more often. This will not only get you out of the house (and give you some space from your mom), but helping out at church is always a great thing to do. You'll meet some of the kindest people at church.
Keep your chin up!
Nomatani wrote:I just- I want to see her again, hug her, call her- hear her voice..anything. I keep thinking "Hey, I am gonna call my mom and see how she is, tell her I love her.." Then I look at her phone, and just cry. I feel so lost, I can't even talk to her about my new job, I can't hear her laugh or see her eyes. I can't touch her hand and tell her it will be okay. I just wish this was some horrible and cruel joke my family was playing on me.. then I see her death certificate and ashes. It hurts... just knowing the last thing she ate was through a feeding tube in her nose, the last thing she drank a sponge with water.
Then there is my family, treating me like garbage the entire time I am trying not to break down as I am leaving what I once had called my home. Completely heartlessly, saying. "Nothing for sure- you should have learned that Saturday." (The day she passed.) Not 24 hours after she passes, then yelling at me for not wanting to leave the man who has protected and loved me for over a year now. Even forgetting my birthday entirely.. I feel so lost and sick..I ..I just don't know what to do anymore.
The only thing I look forward to is work, because I get out of this crap hole called a house. *Edit* I do not fear my life, but at the same time having been cornered by my own Aunt at the age of 7, and told that a figure who gave me gifts did not exist and that I was not to get anything unless from my mother. Broke my little heart, and sure 'nuff that morning- not a darned thing..this has repeated for the past 12 years. Same as my Birthday and any given holiday. I get left out, until her own child speaks up and says. "Hey...where is (my name) stuff..?" With a (to me) surprisingly concerned look on her face. The only time I am treated with any decency is when I buy them something. Then suddenly they remember me.
You know, you don't have to stick with your family. Sometimes a family isn't worth it. Whoever this man is that lifts you up, you need to invest you emotions more in him than your family. And are you able to get out of your house outside of working? Meet new people. Go to a coffee shop, a park, a movie theater. See if you sit with a stranger and just talk, or enjoy their company. Invest your emotions in someone other than your family. Push them aside. If they don't care for you, then you need to stop caring for them and about them. Don't let what they say or how they treat you bother you, because they're not worth anything to you. You deserve better.
