Temp closed.

[tea leaf.]

Hey!
I was wondering if you'd be willing to read through my form for #500 c:
viewtopic.php?f=53&t=2649209&start=180#p85492007
I mostly need help with developing the character through the story, which is one of my weak points. The entire form is not complete, I'm still creating art for it (which will help because it shows the history briefly). The basic character is described with 6 words above, but I'm not entirely sure how to show all of these in a short story, so I just wanted an opinion and advice on how to deepen the character and make the story generally more interesting.
I also need an opinion on how much sense it makes? Because it's my own world I'm not so sure how well it's described, so your opinion on my description would be greatly appreciated.
Additional info: I have around 100 words left to add stuff if that helps?
Thank you so much!
~cold

[Lady Sif]

Hey!
I was wondering if you'd be willing to read through my form for #500 c:
viewtopic.php?f=53&t=2649209&start=180#p85492007
I mostly need help with developing the character through the story, which is one of my weak points. The entire form is not complete, I'm still creating art for it (which will help because it shows the history briefly). The basic character is described with 6 words above, but I'm not entirely sure how to show all of these in a short story, so I just wanted an opinion and advice on how to deepen the character and make the story generally more interesting.
I also need an opinion on how much sense it makes? Because it's my own world I'm not so sure how well it's described, so your opinion on my description would be greatly appreciated.
Additional info: I have around 100 words left to add stuff if that helps?
Thank you so much!
~cold

Alright, let's take a look at this.
Let's start with the overall character.
Honestly, this is a bit of a dull character, I've seen a thousand male characters with that same personality and it just doesn't stand out. The virus concept is also quite overdone for this character. Try to find a new angle.

Give them some real flaws, things that would actually turn people off from your character.


Then we get to your story, it doesn't do much to develop your character, it just a backstory that drags on when you should really summarize it. You want to build a character, not go super deep into their history. And you want to do this with a plot to your story, not just talking about them.

This is a bit of a hard concept to learn, so I'll use an example of my own writing. Things in bold are parts that tell you something about my character. This story is about the younger twin named Corbin, for context, so I'll only be bolding his parts as he was the one I was developing.

On a midnight evening not far off from this one, two young plumies both at the tender age of 12 were wandering out in their forest. The two of them had slipped away out their window at the request of the slightly younger twin. Neither had been able to fall asleep and the stars had been so pretty that Corbin had been unable to resist slipping off into the night.

It wasn't the first time the two of them had done this. Whenever one or both of them would be unable to sleep they would often find themselves slipping out into the forest. Corbin slipped away to the forest to see the glory of stars and the trees while others slept. Jackson would leave to find the quiet that the forest could offer him, and to make sure his twin didn't get himself hurt.

These times were not too often anymore, but none the less they both knew the pattern by heart. Corbin would slip up near their parent's room to make sure they were asleep so the two of them could make their escape. At the same time, Jackson would silently nudge open their window and place lumps in their beds so their parents would think nothing of it should they happen to come in. From there, if all had gone well, they would meet up in their room and without saying a word slip out the window and into the night.

That was one of the silent rules of these times, not a word was said until they reached wherever they were going. Where they were going was often left up to chance. But tonight there wasn't far for them to go. It was Corbin who had lead the two, so it was him who stopped them when they reached a little pond not far from their house.

They stopped and sat, side by side, silent. For a little while, the two of them just sat and listened to all the words the other wasn't saying. How long they sat there, listening to each other without speaking, neither could say. But finally Corbin spoke.

"Do ya' ever worry that we'll grow apart?"

There was a pause from Corbin before he continued, his voice small and shaky.

"I mean, I love you and I don't want to imagine a future without you, but we're becoming so different. What if our plans for traveling the world together don't work? What if we fight over something and never make up? What if we just grow into different people, and we start fading apart until we only ever see each other for family events?"

Jackson waited until he was finished to reply, and even then he offered no words of comfort, just a question.

"Whose trying to mess with you now?"

The younger twin would have looked surprised if he hadn't already known his twin would see the actually problem here. He chose not to reply to the other, instead staring at his paws.

"It was Anna, wasn't it."

A nod in reply.

For a minute or so, neither twin said anything, until Jackson finally spoke up.

"First off all, if she tries any of this again, you need to actually stand up for yourself. Second, that's not going to happen to us. Someday I'll be playing music all over the world and you'll be there with me to drag me off on stupid adventures in a cave or something the moment I finish playing. That's how it's always going to be, and Anna sure isn't going to change that."

Once more there was silence between the two of them for a heartbeat or so, until Corbin spoke up.

"Do you promise?"

To which he got a nod in reply.

That was all they said that night, though they stayed by that pond for close to an hour more before heading back. Both of them lost in their own thoughts. The walk back was silent, but a different sort of silent, a light, self-assured silent.

And this time, when they slipped back into their beds, Corbin was able to close his eyes and go off to his dreamland, with his twin right by his side.

So what did I teach you about this character:

• He and his twin are close enough to talk silently
• They have different interests and goals
• Corbin has insecurites about being left behind by his twin
• Corbin has been being bullied, by more than one person and he's ashamed of it
• Corbin enjoys the forest and loves stars
• Corbin is the sneaky one of the two
• At this point, Corbin is 12
• Jackson is protective of Corbin
• This is a routine for them

And plenty more little things can be found in the story. All while keeping up a simple plot of two twins taking a walk in the forest. This follows the writing rule of showing rather than telling.

Does that make sense?

If so, I will now give you some very important advice to know while following this rule. I don't show it too much in the above story because it's one of two, but the best way to develop your characters is to break them.

Put them in whatever situation would shove them right off the breaking point and then go a little farther, nothing influences people like pain. Show how your character pull themselves out of this whole, showing off all those lovely character flaws along the way.

If you want an example of that too, I've got a few samples I can show you to help with that.

I hope this was helpful and sorry if I'm a tad harsh sounding, I'm rushing while writing this so my language is a little off from my normal tone.

[tea leaf.]

Hey ^^'
Thank you so much for the review c:
I changed the story and focused on the battle because that was supposed to be the part that affected him and 'broke' him. However I still don't feel like my writing really shows his character as well as it could.
Also, I'm still not so happy with the character and I can't think of how I can show his weaknesses in this particular scene, because it's his strong point. It's important because he's at his strongest, but he can't succeed? I guess. I'm not sure how to create more character depth in such a short limit.
Also, I want him to be an interesting or somewhat unique character, which he obviously isn't. I'm not sure what would make him unique though, because every trait or personality I think of automatically isn't unique? I was wondering if you had any advice for making a character feel more original.
I'm really sorry for bothering you like this, but it's really important to me and I want to do the best I can
I'm not really good at this stuff I guess...
viewtopic.php?f=53&t=2649209&p=85492007#p85492007
~Thank you!

[jaques]

viewtopic.php?f=53&t=2649209&p=85471679#p85471679
Does my form for 500 look decent enough?
Where could I improve, what could I take out, anything I should add or enhance?

[Lady Sif]

Hey ^^'
Thank you so much for the review c:
I changed the story and focused on the battle because that was supposed to be the part that affected him and 'broke' him. However I still don't feel like my writing really shows his character as well as it could.

Also, I'm still not so happy with the character and I can't think of how I can show his weaknesses in this particular scene, because it's his strong point. It's important because he's at his strongest, but he can't succeed? I guess. I'm not sure how to create more character depth in such a short limit.

Also, I want him to be an interesting or somewhat unique character, which he obviously isn't. I'm not sure what would make him unique though, because every trait or personality I think of automatically isn't unique? I was wondering if you had any advice for making a character feel more original.

I'm really sorry for bothering you like this, but it's really important to me and I want to do the best I can
I'm not really good at this stuff I guess...
viewtopic.php?f=53&t=2649209&p=85492007#p85492007
~Thank you!

First and foremost, this is exactly why I set up this thread, you are not bothering me at all, this is what I'm here for.

Next, characters through writing.
Focus less on the setting and more on the character. Try to get your story so people can learn something new about them with every other line. Chose words and actions that revel things about your character. Like this part of your story:

Like any antivirus, she guarded her data output interface. She watched him as he approached and did not move aside. She would not let him, a virus, access this point. He returned her gaze with a gleam in his eyes and an arrogant grin.

Before they could even exchange words, he leapt at her and she leapt in retaliation, their weapons clashing with a resounding clang. Their eyes locked, both of them certain they would not, could not lose. To lose meant to forfeit one’s life.

You've taught me about your character here. He's willing to risk his life for fun. Use more of this sort of story telling. Stronger actions that tell you something about him.

Now on to how to make an interesting character. I really like these guides and I think they'll do a better job at explaining it then I would:
http://felizias.deviantart.com/art/Crea ... -343498067
http://fyuvix.deviantart.com/art/Charac ... -154832353

So check those out! They'll help you make a well-balanced character. As for originality, try to avoid the sorts of things you tend to see a lot, and give them an interesting mix of traits. You can also give them interesting culture connections. Like try having him be gay and associate that with being an outcast/rejected from society.

Just try to work past the first instinct and get more in depth.

[Lady Sif]

http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=53&t=2649209&p=85471679#p85471679
Does my form for 500 look decent enough?
Where could I improve, what could I take out, anything I should add or enhance?

Alright, I've got two big issues with this form.

First, your coding is broken, the title doesn't fit in the sidebars.

Second, you've just taken this character from Wreck-it-ralph. Back story and everything. Try creating your own character.

[jaques]

If you're viewing from mobile, yes it's broken, but I was trying to base it off of Wreck it Ralph, but I'm unsure on how to make her character off of the similar idea.

[Lady Sif]

If you're viewing from mobile, yes it's broken, but I was trying to base it off of Wreck it Ralph, but I'm unsure on how to make her character off of the similar idea.

Nope, I'm on a laptop and it's broken.

Honestly my advice to you here is don't base the character off them at all. It's hard to find that boundary of copying and inspired by and until you do, it's best to just stay away from using other characters.

[casimir]

( just making sure I was accepted, or if there was something I missed c:

[Lady Sif]

( just making sure I was accepted, or if there was something I missed c:

Ah, I didn't notice yours, sorry.

I should probably clarify on the front page that I'm only doing this for adoptable tryout stuff, I've only got so much time and I if I even try to beta full-blown stories I won't have much time to work on my own.

Although I did skim your story and I like it so far!