Temp closed.

[Lady Sif]

((Mods, if this is not the best place for this, please move it))
Recently, I've seen a lot of people looking for help and reviews with their adoptable forms, stories and art concepts and since I like helping out with those sorts of things, I thought I'd make one nice central place for reviews. And just so everyone knows this is 100% free, I just want to help out.
Note:
I will review different forms (from different people) for the same adopt, unless I've got a friend entered in the comp. I will tell oyu if I have a friend entered.

What I can help with:
Correcting grammar/spelling mistakes.
Concept ideas and originality
Language usage and reader level
Art concepts and portrayal of character
General Form Review
Some coding errors

What I will not do:
Write stories/draw art/code your form for you.
Give you the base ideas
Red line/assist with the art itself (I would, but I can't, my art skills are lower level)
Non-adoptable/tryout stories. Sorry guys, I just don't have the time.

How to get help:
Please either post below, or if you'd rather keep it private, PM it to me.
Include the following information:
-A link to the adopt/contest and form.
-What's the major point of each piece of writing or art? (How should this help build a character?)
-What do you feel you need help with the most? (Spelling/grammar, ideas, language, art concepts?)

If you can give me those three things, I'd be more than happy to help out. I'll reply to you however you contact me, so if you post in the thread I'll reply here, if you pm me, I'll reply there.

Alright, that's it ^^

[groenii]

marrrrk
will put my form in when I finish it ^^

[Valute]

Mark <3

[Toxic Wolf]

Do you think you'd be able to help me review this form? ;v; The conest ends in about 12 hours, so no problem if you arent due to me posting so late <3

My form
The contest

It's a impress me competition, with no major factors as i am aware of. I'd really like to overall get help with the form by just ideas and concepts (if they do not fit togehter, arent explained well enough etc) And if you have suggestions for what else i can add to the form c: (Some coding suggestions wouldnt hurt either)

I think my grammar and such are okay, but feel free to say if you see me repeating certain words a little too often <3

Again thank you so much ;v;

[Lady Sif]

Do you think you'd be able to help me review this form? ;v; The conest ends in about 12 hours, so no problem if you arent due to me posting so late <3

My form
The contest

It's a impress me competition, with no major factors as i am aware of. I'd really like to overall get help with the form by just ideas and concepts (if they do not fit togehter, arent explained well enough etc) And if you have suggestions for what else i can add to the form c: (Some coding suggestions wouldnt hurt either)

I think my grammar and such are okay, but feel free to say if you see me repeating certain words a little too often <3

Again thank you so much ;v;

Overall, you've got a nice form there, I like your coding and the art, but there's a few things that were a little confusing.

The theme song box is a bit odd because you've got the explanation before the theme song. Try swapping the order. Also the solo 'i' in the theme song box needs to be capitalized.

Other then that, the character is well built and pretty well-rounded from what I can see. She was interesting to read about and I think she fits in well with a Alice In Wonderland/Welcome To Night vale theme. My only issue with your form is the font size and color. It's pretty hard for me to read and actually gave me a bit of eyestrain to do so, which is pretty abnormal for me.

Try making your font darker and don't make it size 85. Also, it might help to add some of that art throughout the form, or some images/banners to break up all the text so it's easier to read.

You're grammar and spelling looks fine and nothing jumped out at me, so you seem to be good there.

Overall, great job on that form, I hope you end up getting her <3

[Toxic Wolf]

Thank you very much for the tips and compliments! I did everything you said for hopefully improving the form, and i thank you so very much for taking your time and effort for going through it <3 I Greatly appreciate it ;v;

[Lady Sif]

Thank you very much for the tips and compliments! I did everything you said for hopefully improving the form, and i thank you so very much for taking your time and effort for going through it <3 I Greatly appreciate it ;v;

No problem, I enjoyed reading it and I love to help you ^^

[casimir]

Hi Sif c:
I'd love it if I could share Sea Sway with you.
It's only in the interlude, however. So a quick read so far ^^
You may leave your comment there if you'd rather: or here, I don't care cx
viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2677487
edit: oh and English is not my first language. So that is a thing to watch out for if i make mistakes.

[groenii]

Hey Lady Sif ^^
I finished the form I mentioned:
<3

Thank you for reading! Also if you ever need a form to be critiqued feel free to pm me.

[Lady Sif]

Hey Lady Sif ^^
I finished the form I mentioned:
<3

Thank you for reading! Also if you ever need a form to be critiqued feel free to pm me.

Alright, since this is a long one that you'll need detail on, I'm going to use the base form to give you feedback on each section. A Check mark means no changes needed. * means it's a a spelling/grammar correction.


Username:
✓

Name:
You've got a bit of an error here, Oshizushi is the style of making the sushi, not the name of the Sushi itself which has a variety of names depending on the topping.

Gender:
Female is a sex, not a gender, use girl instead.

Sexuality & Them:
*ta' not t'
This is a tad hard to read, so maybe dull the accent a little? But other than that I think it fits the prompt nicely and shows a strong character.

Describe their Bedroom:
You start every sentence here with "the" or "a". Mix up those sentence openers, use directional words or nouns to start the sentences. Also try to give me more of a feel of where things are in relation to each other. This whole piece feels a bit bland, give it some more feeling in general. And how would you know the colors of th

So like:
You open up the door to poster covered walls, with little splashes of cream and mint in between, and are immediately taken aback by the mess. In the center of the room lays an unmade bed with clothing strewn about the whole room.

Conversation:
I would go over this section again, I know script format always seems dull, but this just doesn't work. I don't get much of a character feel from this, it just doesn't quite work.

About the Plushie:
I'm assuming this was meant to be a poem? I'm going to do a hard edit of it to try and give it a stronger flow, and to make a tad bit more sense, it was a little confusing before.

You found them years ago.
In the rain you both sat, side by side.
Wet plush against wet fur.
Alone together.

Being alone is frightening, isn’t it?
Oh? Your family returned, you’re no longer alone.
But they are.
Turning back, you claim a friend.
Never to be left alone again.
(52, stealing 2 from the extra)

Hobby:
*You need to skip a line between the two pieces of dialogue because they're from different people.
Binge watching isn't quite a hobby, try changing it to be "watching her collection of action/horror"

How they show Affection:
I would suggest changing this to be less of a descriptive piece, and more of a story. Show them giving some one some love, don't tell me about it.

One Quirk:
✓

Breaking Point:
While humorous, this isn't really what the prompt wanted. This should be a scene that tears them down, one of the most powerful tools any writer has is pain, so use yours here.

Childhood:
First off, whenever you have a new character talking, you must start a new paragraph.
Secondly, you might want to try to use more of your extra here to give stronger wording. It feels forced. Give it more of a build up, some strength in that fury from the gendered insult.

Irritation:
What does "sleeping like a rose" mean?
Other than that it's fine.

Goals for the Future:
✓

Extra #2:
The art is nice, but it doesn't have a lot of character to it. Maybe try something with more flair to it? An action pose?


Overall
Overall, I feel like this character needs more flaws to be real. Give her a temper that can be set off by a hair, give her a fear of something silly, give her more flaws.

That and you should really re-do the coding. I recommend Brackets, the list code and messing around to make it look nice and neat. The neater the writing, the easier it is to read and the better it can hold the reader's attention. You might also want to keep that accent in check to add to readability.

http://editminion.com/
Can also be very helpful for checking your work.

Good luck in the contest!