Bound for Freedom- UNDERGOING EDITING!

[WilloweWolf]

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[WilloweWolf]

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[WilloweWolf]

Athenderon map.JPG (104.53 KiB) Viewed 53 times

A map!
And here's one of the clearing where Shadowmere and Mey make their home:

Shadowmere's Glade.JPG (101.27 KiB) Viewed 53 times

[WilloweWolf]

BUMP

[WilloweWolf]

Late chapter, sorry! I wrote this chapter ages ago, but I kept forgetting to put it up. And recently I haven't been able to access my notebook because it was in a box here in Uganda while I was in the US.

Chapter 3
The Prophecy

"My head still hurts, Addi groaned. A week had passed since she had been attacked, and the bruise hadn't healed completely.

"There's only so much I can do, Addi," Shadowmere said in his deep, rumbling voice. It sounded like a quiet avalanche. "Especially since the rock was almost as big as my hoof." He held up one huge hoof.

"I know, Shadowmere." Addi sighed. "But you'd think it would be healed after a week! Especially with your help." She gave the unicorn a grateful smile and absently scratched Mey behind the ear. "What I want to know, though, is why you two sometimes call me the 'Chosen' when you think I'm not listening." She looked Shadowmere in the eyes. The unicorn whinnied and pawed the ground nervously. "Shadowmere, what have you not told me?"

Shadowmere sighed. "I suppose I'd have to tell you eventually. Adensha, there is a prophecy about you." Addi stared at him in disbelief. "Yes, Addi. About you." Shadowmere cleared his throat and began.

The day will come when one shall rise above all others.
She shall unite the land once more under one banner.
A peace to Athenderon shall she bring.
Land once hidden in shadow, and sorrow, shall be filled with light, and joy.

Addi frowned. "That sounds oddly incomplete, Shadowmere."

He snorted. "Prophecies don't have to sound complete to be complete, Adensha. Besides, they're meant to tell the future, not sound good."

Addi muttered something about prophecies always sounding complete. "I'm gonna go pick apples." she said faintly, grabbing a large basket. She made herself walk slowly over to the door and casually open it. Once the door was closed, she ran. She ran into the forest, past the best apple trees and into a part of the woods she had never been to before. She dropped the basket onto the forest floor and sat beside it, leaning against a large rock. A stream gurgled and chuckled nearby, seeming to mock her. She rested her head on the rock and closed her blue eyes. "This is too much. Too much all at once." She put her head in her hands and cried for some reason she did not know.

Holy flip! When I wrote that out in my notebook, that was 11 good-sized chapters! Now it's like, 11 half-sized chapters! Whoops...

[noal]

I've only read the first chapter, but I would like to give you some tips on it.

I had a feeling that the beginning was too fast paced, and could have been more descriptive. I would have described the surroundings at the very beginning, and immediately wrote the image of you running towards where ever you were going. I write my stories slow at first, yet I get straight to the point.

Also, I felt as if it could have used some more advanced grammar and words. Mostly descriptive, since you don't want to get the reader confused.

That's really all there is I would have to say. It looks and sounds very interesting, and I will gladly finish reading it once the story is complete or at least close to finished.

I hope this helped ;)

[WilloweWolf]

Thanks! I will say in my defense that this is the first story I've ever written(or, rather, started ), so my writing wasn't very good when I wrote that first chapter. (I'm also, admittedly, too lazy to go back and change it. *hides under table in embarrassment*)

[noal]

i forgot i even posted that x 3
anyway, I wouldn't blame you
(i do the exact same thing lol)