Magma- Marvel's 'The Avengers' fanfiction- critique welcome

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Magma- Marvel's 'The Avengers' fanfiction- critique welcome

Postby WilloweWolf » Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:45 pm

Magma cover.jpg
No, that is not my real name on the cover. That's my pen name.
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"For so long, I've been hiding from my past, from what I did. But now, I know that no matter how long I run, how well I hide, I can't hide from what I did."

When vigilante Kenna Smith, or Magma, is found by SHIELD and brought in for questioning, she thinks she can hide who she really is. But Director Fury already knows. And when Loki returns for vengeance upon the world, she knows there's no hiding from what she did all those years ago. She must face her past and fight alongside the Avengers: Captain America (Steve Rodgers), Iron Man (Tony Stark), Black Widow (Natasha Romanoff), Hawkeye (Clint Barton), Thor, and The Hulk (Bruce Banner). Can the group save the world from Loki's wrath, or will they be too late to even avenge it? And will Kenna's secret bring them together, or will it tear them apart?


Table of Contents:
Chapter One


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Last edited by WilloweWolf on Mon May 04, 2015 6:09 am, edited 9 times in total.
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Chapter One

Postby WilloweWolf » Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:49 pm

Magma knew she couldn't hold out much longer, but she kept running. She couldn't, couldn't be caught by SHIELD! She ducked into a deserted alleyway and kept running, the two agents hot on her tail. She made a pushing gesture with her hand in the direction of her pursuers, sending a hot blast of fire back at them. The woman yelped as it passed barely an inch from her face, singing her curly red hair. The man glanced at her briefly, his footsteps never slowing. The woman was fine, she charged on, firing a few bullets at Magma. The young vigilante dodged them and leapt over an old pick-up that probably hadn’t been moved in a decade or so. No normal teenager should be able to jump that high. She had been ten feet in the air before she stared to come back down. Then again, she was Magma. A fiery mutant. A self-appointed superhero. And wanted by SHIELD. They didn’t want her dead. They wanted her in for questioning. The mysterious Magma was a possible threat, though she didn’t seem to acknowledge the existence of SHIELD. That was just plain obnoxious. The young woman risked a glance behind her. The two agents were still chasing her. Hawkeye and Black Widow, if her research had been at all worthwhile. An arrow whizzed past her head. Yup, Hawkeye. Magma ran on, eventually taking a flying leap and ending up halfway up a ten-story building. She clung to a window ledge, scaling the wall like an overgrown spider.

“What the hell?” Hawkeye, or Clint Barton, stared, mouth slightly open, then fired an arrow. Romanoff, or Black Widow, pulled her guns out of the holsters strapped to her legs and started shooting. The girl on the wall barely made it to the top without getting shot. She started running, using her uncanny jumping abilities to get from one rooftop to another. A SHIELD helicopter followed, the whirring blades breaking the silence of the night. It picked up the two agents on the ground, allowing them to get a much better angle at their target. Finally, Hawkeye managed to shoot the young woman in the leg. She cried out in pain as her knees buckled, her leg no longer able to support her weight. She yanked the arrow out, threw it aside, and continued her escape, now using fiery red wings that had appeared on her back. “Oh, god, that’s so unfair.” Natasha aimed her guns at the wings, trying to bring Magma down. She heard a scream of pain as one of her bullets hit its target. Magma tumbled from the sky, landing on the top of Stark Tower. Her wings disappeared, and she looked up, glaring at the helicopter, and the two master assassins in it. But, she gave up. She knew there was no way to escape now.
Natasha and Clint jumped out of the helicopter, both landing on their feet and instantly pointing their weapons at the vigilante. Magma held up her hands in surrender. “You've taken my last means of escape. There’d be no point in fighting back.”
Natasha slowly lowered her gun. “And how do I know that you don’t have more tricks up your sleeve?”
“I swear it.” Magma examined her leg. “Did you really have to put a hole through my leg?” She glared at Hawkeye, who shrugged, lowering his bow and putting his arrow back in the quiver on his back. Magma rolled her eyes, rising slowly. “What do you want?”
“We’re here to bring you in for questioning. SHIELD doesn’t like random vigilantes running around. You’re a potential threat.” Natasha shoved her gun back into the holster on her leg, gesturing to the helicopter. “Get in.”
“And if I don’t?”
“We’ll make you.”
Magma got in.

Back on the SHIELD helicarrier, Magma waited patiently in a white room. The only furniture was a long white table and two white chairs. A stereotypical interrogation room. A tall, bald man with an eye patch walked in. He sat down across from Magma. “I am Director Fury. We know you as Magma. Would you mind telling me your real name?”
“Kenna Smith.” The young woman was clearly not intimidated by the menacing Nick Fury. She was still mad at Clint for putting an arrow through her leg. And at Natasha for putting a bullet through her wing. “Well, Kenna. Why don’t you tell me a bit more about yourself? Where are you from? How did you discover your… talents? And, most importantly, why have you been playing vigilante?”
“I’m from Pennsylvania. Or, I was, until my parents died when I was six. I lived on the streets, traveled, I've probably spent a week in all the states but Alaska. I discovered my powers when I was 12. I was attacked, I panicked, and roasted the thugs who tried to rob me. Two days later, I found out that I could make wings appear on my back. It made travel go a lot faster, I’ll admit. A year later, I became Magma. Honestly, I’m surprised it took you three years to hunt me down and bring me here.”

The redhead smirked at Fury, orange eyes twinkling. Orange streaks stood out well against Kenna’s naturally dark ginger hair. A dusting of freckles across her nose complimented her tanned skin, giving the overall impression of a tomboy that spent all day outside. Of course, in Kenna’s case, that was mostly true. The Avengers worked at night. Kenna, under the guise of Magma, worked during the day, stopping bank robberies before they even begun, saving the odd old woman from a band of thugs, etc. Director Fury noticed the alertness in the young woman’s eyes, the way she held herself in her seat told him she was ready to run at any moment.
“We’re not going to attack you, you know.” Fury was amused.
“And yet you have armed guards outside with loaded guns ready to burst in and kill me the moment you give the signal. I’m not stupid. And you know the moment I see an opportunity, I’m going to run.”
“Of course you are. But what if I told you that I want you in the Avengers?” Fury studied the 16-year-old girl before him. She met his gaze coolly. “And if I say no?”
“That’s not an option.”
“Oh, so now you’re forcing me into your little group of superheroes? I don’t like being pushed into anything.”
“No-one does.”
“And yet you’re doing it.”
“Allow me to rephrase my original statement. You either cooperate, or you die. Am I clear?”
“Crystalline.”
“Good. Now, your choice?”
“I’ll join your little group. Playing the loner was getting a bit boring, anyway.”

Three rooms away, the Avengers were gathered around a screen, watching the conversation taking place. “She really grows on you, doesn’t she?” Bruce Banner admired her gut, standing up to Fury. The guy was terrifying.
“I seem to remember you saying much the same thing about Loki.” Natasha glanced at Bruce.
“I did, didn't I?” Bruce shrugged and turned back to the screen. Kenna was absently playing with her powers, small flames licking her hand, making shapes. Horses, birds, trees, any random thing from nature. She glanced up at one of the cameras and smiled. She knew she was being watched. Fury had left, he was on his way to the control room, where the Avengers were gathered. He walked in. “Well?”
“She has gut, that I must say.” Steve Rodgers twisted in his chair to look at Director Fury. “Not sure if we’ll be able to handle her. She might get to be rather annoying.”
“You’ll have to deal with it. She’s powerful, and we need her on our side. Loki has escaped from Asgard. According to Thor, he’s teamed up with the chitauri again.”
“Déjà vu, anyone?” Clint turned away from the screen.
“All of us, I think.” Natasha fiddled with a throwing knife she kept in her boot.
“This time, though, the fight will be different. We have another ally, and a powerful one at that.” Fury sat down in a vacant seat.
“Who?” Tony Stark was playing confused, there was something Fury hadn’t told them yet.
“Kenna Smith, ex-Aesir, formerly Brandr of Asgard.”


Dun, dun, dun! Plot twist right at the beginning. And you wonder why she's no longer one of the Aesir...
Last edited by WilloweWolf on Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Magma- Marvel's 'The Avengers' fanfiction- critique welc

Postby Merlin's Heir » Tue Apr 21, 2015 3:36 am

Looking good so far. Though you might want to change the font color back to black. It's a little easier for me to read. Also, breaking it up into smaller, more clearly-spaced paragraphs makes it less intimidating to read. A bunch of smaller groups of text are much easier to "face" than a big wall of it. ;)

Overall, your story is pretty good so far.
I think a little more information about Kenna/Magma/Brandr would be good. So far, all we can tell is she's got wings, some sort of fire power (unclear on that one), she's not easily scared, and she used to be one of the Æsir.
That last one, especially, could use some expansion. Does she know she is/was an Æsir? I know you want to leave some mystery about it and reveal stuff later, which is great, but I don't thinking knowing whether or not she knows will hurt the plot (of course, I don't know what's going to happen in this story, but based on my own previous experience, I'd say it'd probably work out okay).

In general, a bit more information would be a good addition. From the reader's point of view, I feel like there's information missing that's important. I get the feeling you've got a lot more info you haven't written into the story, and I can tell you've put some thought into this, but adding some of it to the actually writing would be nice for the readers.

Also, quick note, it's spelled Asgard, not Asguard. ;) I made that same mistake, before I started researching Norse mythology. XD

I don't often read Avengers fanfics (I find the characters are usually misrepresented), but so far this one is pretty good. :) I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
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Re: Magma- Marvel's 'The Avengers' fanfiction- critique welc

Postby WilloweWolf » Tue Apr 21, 2015 5:33 pm

I'm planning to have them interrogate her a little more closely in the next chapter. And, yes, I am withholding important information. But, you see, that's all part of my master plan. *evil laugh* Kenna's in for the ride of her life. I've been reading way too much of elizabeth's and captain's writing. I'm going sadistic.
Yeah, I probably should change the font color. I must admit, though, I do like red. *shrugs*

Gawk! I knew I was misspelling it! I knew it! Thanks.

EDIT: Fixed it! Thanks again, Merlin's Heir!
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Re: Magma- Marvel's 'The Avengers' fanfiction- critique welc

Postby iWonder » Wed Apr 22, 2015 5:29 am

This is excellent! I love, love, love this!

The characters are awesome, the story is awesome.

I understand the small amount of information about the character is to make us want to read more. And it does! I now crave this story and I need more! Very well done.

I would put this on wattpad to decrease the chances of somebody stealing your incredible idea.
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Re: Magma- Marvel's 'The Avengers' fanfiction- critique welc

Postby WilloweWolf » Wed Apr 22, 2015 5:40 pm

iWonder wrote:This is excellent! I love, love, love this!

The characters are awesome, the story is awesome.

I understand the small amount of information about the character is to make us want to read more. And it does! I now crave this story and I need more! Very well done.

I would put this on wattpad to decrease the chances of somebody stealing your incredible idea.

Aw, thanks!
I would put it on Wattpad, if I had an account. And an email.
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Re: Magma- Marvel's 'The Avengers' fanfiction- critique welc

Postby WilloweWolf » Fri Apr 24, 2015 3:53 am

What?” The five heroes stared at Director Fury.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Banner held up his hand in a ‘slow down’ gesture. “So, you’re telling us that this Magma is a goddess?”
“Was. She was banished.”
“Why?”
“I wasn’t told.”
Steve, being the ever strategic one, spoke up. “Why don’t we all go down and talk to her?”
“I don’t think she’ll be particularly happy to see Clint and me,” Natasha said. “We did kinda put holes through her.” Steve and Bruce dragged Clint and Natasha along as they all made their way to the room where their temporary prisoner waited.

“Well, Kenna,” Fury paused. “Or should I say Brandr?” He saw the young woman in question stiffen slightly. “How did you find out?” She asked quietly.
“Thor warned me there was a former Asgardian on Earth under the guise of Kenna Smith. His description matches you exactly. Care to tell us why you lied?”
“And how you managed to make that story sound convincing.” Tony added. Kenna smirked. He had no idea. “Honestly, that story wasn’t entirely false. I wasn’t sure if I was still capable of creating flames and flying once I had been stripped of my position. Also, I’ve had a bit of practice with that story. It’s the same story I told the CIA when they got in a few lucky shots and held me in custody for a week.”
“How old are you really?” Tony looked at the girl curiously.
“3,876 next month.” Kenna replied coolly. Tony choked on the water he had just swallowed, setting his glass down on the table quickly before he dropped it. “Well, tell us. Why did you lie?” That was Director Fury again.
“Because I am no longer one of the Aesir. I have no right to claim that title, so why even bring it up?”
“Why were you banished?”
“You mean Thor didn’t tell you? Oh, right, he didn’t know. Odin made me swear on pain of death never to reveal what I did. I will hold myself to that oath until I am released from it.” Kenna lapsed into silence, quietly studying the others in the room. Steve seemed to be rather happy, it wasn’t every day he met someone who looked younger than him but was, in truth, far, far older. Clint and Natasha were looking nervous. Kenna didn’t blame them, she was famous for her geyser-like temper. Explosive and unpredictable. And they had put holes through her. Tony was still coughing, Bruce looked mildly surprised, and Fury’s face was totally emotionless.

“Any more questions, or are you all going to stand there staring at me all day?” Kenna gave the six of them a cold, level half-glare. Tony had to resist the urge to stand up straighter and say ‘Yes, ma’am’, instead saying, “How long have you been on Earth?”
“Ten years. Why?”
“Erm… Curiosity?”
Kenna tsked and muttered, “Curiosity killed the cat.” She turned to Director Fury. “Are you finished with me, or am I going to have to sit for the next three hours answering pointless questions?” She had a way of saying things like that that practically shouted, ‘I will not answer your pointless questions’.
“We’re done with you, I suppose. Agent Romanoff, would you please escort Miss Smith to her room?” Natasha gulped. “I’m pretty darn sure she wants to kill me for putting a bullet through her wing, sir.”
“Nonsense!” Kenna spoke up. “Yes, I’m mad at you, but I’m not that mad!”
“Fine.” Natasha grudgingly led Kenna to her new room.

Back in the control room, the Avengers gathered around a table to the side. “She creeps me out.” Tony said matter-of-factly. “I second that.” Bruce said.
“I don’t think we need to focus on Kenna. I think we need to focus on Brandr.” Steve said. “What the hell did she do to get herself banished?”
“We could ask Thor.”
“Thor doesn’t know, he said so himself.” Fury stepped into the conversation. “Odin has declared the matter closed, and that’s that. I imagine that, when the time comes, we’ll know. Right now, though, we have a bigger problem than an ex-goddess.”
“And that is?”
“Loki.” Fury slid a file across the table to Natasha, who opened it and scanned the papers inside.
“He’s in Russia?” Natasha glanced up at Fury. “Боже мой.”
“I want you in a jet on your way to Russia within an hour, Agent Romanoff. Barton, go with her.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Take Kenna with you.”
“What? Why?”
“Because she’s an Asgardian.”
“She’s injured.”
“Did she look injured to you five minutes ago?”
“No…”
“Like I said, she’s an Asgardian. She heals quickly. Take her with you, Agent Romanoff.” Director Fury turned away, efficiently ending the conversation. Grumbling, Natasha went to gather up Kenna. Clint went down to the armory to grab his bow and quiver. Five minutes later, the trio was on a SHIELD jet to Russia.


How will Kenna react to seeing Loki again? Might she even consider joining him?


Last bumped by WilloweWolf on Fri Apr 24, 2015 3:53 am.
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