letters to a friend.

[kavv]

please, no posting.

[kavv]

don't say that you are sorry
because you aren't.

don't say that you will get better
because you won't.

don't you ever say that you loved me
because you didn't.

[kavv]

Perched on my neatly kept bed ( the one thing I bother to keep tidy in the post-apocalyptic state of my room, ) I try some deep breathing techniques and align my chakras to keep from having another one of my episodes. I'm neck deep in paperwork and I can't seem to keep focus what with my phone blowing up in an oh so important gossip frenzy taking place over a group chat with my friends.

Inhale 1...2...3...

Exhale 1...2...3...

Feeling only a little better, I stuff my phone under my pillow, and navigate through all the clutter on my floor to retrieve my laptop. I nose through my music folder before finally putting on an indie/folk album that has never failed to put at ease. I had barely gotten the header finished on the first draft of my essay when my phone began to ring. My friends never called, only texted, unless it was truly important. Who knows, maybe Katherine put Brandon as her #mcm on instagram? I sarcastically remark in my head. I groan as I grope for my phone.

"Hello?" I should win an oscar for keeping the irritation out of my voice.

I waited a few moments, but no reply came. "Hello?" I try again.

"Uh, hey."

The words slipped out of the speakers softly, but rang in my ears as if they were shouted. I stared at my phone blankly. I can't remember the last time I'd seen his face, but hell, I'd recognize that voice anywhere. The thought of him clouded my mind as I forgot how to form words.

"Hey," He said again, before adding, "how are you?" I felt as if he were waving his hands in front of my face yelling "Hello! Earth to Amber!" Of course everything of what he said was instantly lost to me, all except the sound of his smile blaring through the speakers. I knew he was amused of at my loss of words. I knew he knew the affect he has on me, that he had always had on me.

Shaking my head in a desperate attempt to clear my thoughts, I finally responded. "Hey, um, what's up?"

His laughter bubbled through the speakers, wonderful and light. It took me a minute to realize why he was laughing. I remembered he asked practically the same question a few moments ago. My cheeks burned I felt like I was drowning. Or floating. Or perhaps both. I laughed a long with him. "Erm, sorry. I'm fine, thanks."

"Good. I'm fine too." He started laughing again, and I laughed again with him. His laughter was a tidal wave that swept me along with it. My stomach began to burn and my cheeks felt tight, and I had forgotten why we were even laughing in the first place. I don't think I ever knew. "Are you drunk?" I ask, still smiling.

"Yeah," He admitted. "A little bit." A moment passed, quiet, but not uncomfortable. It felt intimate, as if we were looking at each others eyes. But that was impossible, as there are oceans between us. I wonder if he felt it too. Or was it just in my head, like it always was. That to him I am still just a friend, still that little girl. My smile was gone, and I sighed.

"What time is it there?" I ask. My eyes dart over to my alarm clock, which read 8:47 p.m. I forgot the exact details of how much the distance affects us, but it should be pretty late there.

"uhhh... three fourty five-ish." He says and I laugh once again.

"Why are you calling me so late? You have to be wasted." I say, though he wasn't slurring his words or anything. But I can't come up with any other logical reason why he'd call me after so long. God, I really did miss him.

"I don't know. I guess I wanted to hear your voice again." I rolled my eyes. He was always a charmer, but that never meant anything at all. It must be the European thing. Chivalry, or whatnot. Still, it made me smile. "You know, if you were here, I'd be sticking my tongue out at you," I tell him.

His laughter filled the room again, replacing every single one of my thoughts, and perhaps in those few moments, everything in the world went silent but for the sound of his laughter. I am hopeless. I don't think I'll ever get over this guy, this connoisseur of my heart. He knew just how to make me laugh, just how to fill my head with flowers and my stomach with butterflies, and how to leave for months without ever once leaving my thoughts.

He paused for a moment after he was done teaching the birds how to sing. Then he began to speak once more, "Amber, I have to go now."

"Oh, all right." I said with a forced smile, trying to sound nonchalant, although I was scared not knowing what him leaving meant this time.

"We'll have to keep in touch more." He said.

"Yeah, we will. Now get to bed, you crazy kid." I say with a small smile.

We exchange goodbyes before the line goes dead.

[kavv]

▶ Windows by Lewis Watson

"Just so you know, I'll be here when you make it home."

▶ We Are Sick by From Indian Lakes

"Loving you was never hard to do."
"Will you tell me the truth?"

▶ Cannonball by Damien Rice

"Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed."
"Love taught me to cry."
"Still a little bit of your song in my ear,
still a little bit of your words I long to hear."

▶ Noserings and Shoestrings by Nina Nesbitt

"He's just misguided, I think."

▶ Bloom by The Paper Kites

"Boy, you fill my lungs with sweetness, and you fill my head with you."
"Can I be close to you?"
"The trees are filled with memories of the feelings never told."
"But my world is you."

▶ Manhattan Solstice by Spark Alaska ( Lorenzo G. Cook )

"I wanna see you again before I die."
"I wanna wake up in a panic but remember you."
"You're the summer solstice baby."
"I've been dreaming of nothing, nothing but you."

▶ Cherry Wine by Hozier

"It's a crime that you're not around most the time."

[kavv]

There are so many things, if given the chance, I would go back and undo. For example, I'd tell myself not to buy those hideous boots from the 80's and wear them to school everyday for the entire fourth grade (people still poke fun at me for that to this day.) Or maybe I'd go back and make sure that I signed up for ski lessons before I hit the slopes for the first time, or keep myself from quitting dance when I was thirteen.

What frustrates me is that I always ponder whether or not I would undo ever knowing you. Sure, now we avoid each other in the halls, and whenever your name comes up in conversation I pretend to get distracted by something, and there is this undefinable tension between us. But, I don't know, I guess I feel like a stronger person for enduring whatever it was that made us this way. In all honesty, I don't really know what it was. I think that you truly believe that I am holding something against you, but I was never mad, never upset. Not once. Truthfully I respect you.

But it still escapes me, why do I always feel this way around you? Curious as to what your thoughts are on a certain subject, but dreading the thought of having conversation with you. It's maddening. You are maddening. Or maybe it's just me.

[kavv]

you plant flowers in my heart to distract from the knife you're twisting through my gut.

[kavv]

I’m so tired of life. I used to hear that expression and think of it some sort of metaphor. But this apathy and this feeling of having nothing to live for seems to manifest itself physically in me, to the point where yes, I’m damn tired. No amount of sleep will ease the bags out from under my eyes. Fatigue pulls at my bones and makes them heavy, so I’m left to drag myself through the day.

I’m tired, so tired of this life.

[kavv]

je t'aime
te amo
ich liebe dich
kocham Cię
jeg elsker dig
szeretlek
mahal kita

i love you.

[kavv]

a year has gone by.

it's interesting seeing my old thoughts in front of me like a peculiar painting on a canvas. i've gawked, i've stared, and i've scrutinized this particular exhibit in the museum for awhile now, trying to figure out what makes my old writing seem so... foreign. different. distant.

after awhile it came to me.

you'd be surprised about how much growing up you can do in a year. quite a lot. looking back at this thread, i can see that. i've travelled over oceans since the last time i've written; i've fallen out of love with a boy and into an almost-love with myself. i've screamed, i've cried, i've laughed, i've smiled, i've made friends, i've lost friends, i've bled and i've healed. i haven't thought about the people i've written about previously in months.

they say that every seven years all the cells in your body have been shed and replaced by new cells. physically, you are entirely a different person. however, there are no studies that show how quickly you can change into another person on the inside. life is a busy man. it moves fast and it never slows down. it never waits for you. you try your hardest to keep up with it, and you never realize how it changes you until you can barely recognize yourself.