{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ v.4 } A Thread For Writers

[ultraviolent]

i'm a new member!
➹ kagey / kagey,kage, anything c:/ ➹ / yess i am open for critique

[Roadhog]

Hello, I need to re-introduce myself C; its been a while! I am saturn. Member of the last thread - I am a decent (in my opinion) try-to-be writer- I really love fantasy and personification stories, and I just made one, I would love if you guys would read it! It would make me feel better since I feel kinda down right now!
bloop
You need to look on my page if you don't know who Jason, or Bruno is,also a bit of critique would be nice!

hello^^ I just wanted to post this again in hopes of critique ;-;

I really want mine read ;-; I really need it critiqued

[Silverhart]

Hello, I need to re-introduce myself C; its been a while! I am saturn. Member of the last thread - I am a decent (in my opinion) try-to-be writer- I really love fantasy and personification stories, and I just made one, I would love if you guys would read it! It would make me feel better since I feel kinda down right now!
bloop
You need to look on my page if you don't know who Jason, or Bruno is,also a bit of critique would be nice!

hello^^ I just wanted to post this again in hopes of critique ;-;

I really want mine read ;-; I really need it critiqued

I'm sorry you're feeling down. It may help if you're more specific about what sort of critique you need. Do you just want some encouraging comments to boost your confidence? Do you want help with grammar, or sentence structure? Do you want help with characters or dialogue? Are you looking for a harsh critique, or just general impressions and thoughts?

Same goes for everyone, it helps tremendously if you just give a brief account of what you really need help with. I don't always have the time or energy to give really in-depth critiques. It's incredibly helpful, and time saving if I know I'm just focusing my attention on grammar, or plot, or historical accuracy, or just giving general impressions. It's frustrating for both the writer and critic if they're wasting time telling you stuff you already know or plan to fix; or not giving you the critique you actually need.

[Roadhog]

Thanks, I want a general critique, and what to do, and what else I should maybe add? Maybe what not to do? Just general things^^

[watermelon.]

I just wrote this up, without having any plot in mind or a set plan. Any thoughts? SHould I continue with it?

"Ella, we can't hide here forever!" Kayla whispered in a harsh tone toward her sister.
"Shh, just trust me. He won't find us." Ella replied, in a calming voice to her younger sister. Kayla's bright blue eyes were nearly glowing in the small stream of light coming down from the doorway ahead of them. They were hiding from the king, of their kingdom. He was the leader of all of Lassenton, and would take no goofing around.
"But what if he does?" Kayla asked, in a curious but nervous tone. She was curled up as small as she could, to fit in the little crevasse they had found between two walls. If anyone opened the door just ahead of them, their plan would be spoiled.
"No buts. We'll be fine." Ella snapped, but was still quiet. They had been caught playing in the fountains in front of the castles, and were going to be in big trouble. Even at ages 17 and 13, they were as childish as ever. Plus, they thought no harm could come from playing in a tiny fountain. Apparently, there could, and the costs were large.

[Medusa72]

I just wrote this up, without having any plot in mind or a set plan. Any thoughts? SHould I continue with it?

"Ella, we can't hide here forever!" Kayla whispered in a harsh tone toward her sister.
"Shh, just trust me. He won't find us." Ella replied, in a calming voice to her younger sister. Kayla's bright blue eyes were nearly glowing in the small stream of light coming down from the doorway ahead of them. They were hiding from the king, of their kingdom. He was the leader of all of Lassenton, and would take no goofing around.
"But what if he does?" Kayla asked, in a curious but nervous tone. She was curled up as small as she could, to fit in the little crevasse they had found between two walls. If anyone opened the door just ahead of them, their plan would be spoiled.
"No buts. We'll be fine." Ella snapped, but was still quiet. They had been caught playing in the fountains in front of the castles, and were going to be in big trouble. Even at ages 17 and 13, they were as childish as ever. Plus, they thought no harm could come from playing in a tiny fountain. Apparently, there could, and the costs were large.

I love this because it could go in any direction. Also, I appreciate your proper grammar and spelling.
Go for it! Or leave me to ponder this cliffhanger.

[oceanmando]

Hey, this looks like a very interesting thread. May I join?

[floki,]

delete

[watermelon.]

please read the front page eveyrone.

[Silverhart]

@saturn.
Well, main thing I noticed was you switching tenses and point-of-view a lot. It makes it a bit hard to follow. Make sure those are consistent, and if you must switch, make the switch clear to the reader by separating the paragraphs, or starting a new chapter.

Keep in mind, when one person speaks it always starts a new paragraph. A paragraph is an idea. Every time someone speaks they are introducing a new idea.

Lastly, I'd suggest avoiding run-on sentences, and adding in more description; such as how the characters look or act, and the settings, to slow the pace down. ^^

@watermelonyum11

Great opening! Full of suspense!

Whether or not you should continue is up to you. If you decide to explore it further and find you're passionate about it, yes of course! If not, find something that you are excited about.