dear jenna,
You'll never read this. You'll never know I spent forever typing this out. But I'm writing in anyway, just out of hope, just out of the need to say something.
I screwed up. I've admitted that, you saw me admit it, you saw me learn from the mistakes I made. You and I both know, however, it wasn't just my fault the friendship splintered. Sure, a lot of it was, but you could have done some things differently as well. But I'm not here to point the blame. I'm here to express what I'm feeling.
I'm so torn between telling myself I'm over you and all I miss are our memories, and missing you like crazy. I think I miss you and our memories. But not the Jenna now. I miss the Jenna I knew in sixth and seventh and eighth grade, my best friend, my happy friend who loved the color pink and John and girly things and who didn't think she was crazy. I miss my best buddy who would role play all night with me, who would laugh at things that aren't even silly when reading books at school, who would pretend to be a wolf with me, who loved me and accepted me as my annoying self. Gosh, I miss that girl and I'm not sure where she went. I know that the world snatched her away. Heck, the world snatched me away for a while, too, but I came back. I wish you could come back.
Looking through all your old posts here on CS, it hurts. It hurts remembering times when we were so close, when we were close enough to be sisters. It hurts to remember times in your basement, laughing and playing Mario Kart. It hurts to see times when I knew who I was, before I flipped out on you guys. I hope you understand that it wasn't me who flipped out on you. It was some strange girl that I don't even know. I got rid of her now, and the regular me is back. If only you'd come back. I miss our times in band and playing Meep and making codewords. I'd give all the world just to go back to the moment before I destroyed it, just so I could change it.
I wonder if you remember things as much as I do. Do you wonder what would have been different had I not freaked out? Do you miss me? Do you think of our memories? Every time I read that little book you made me, I feel sick to my stomach. I betrayed you. I broke you. And a lot of times, I blame myself for who you've become. Maybe if I hadn't abandoned you, you wouldn't have felt so alone and so empty. Or maybe if it hadn't been for John, and if you'd stayed here and went to school with me. Maybe I could have saved you. But I didn't and I lost you and I'm very sorry. I miss you.
I miss us.
But I accept that I can't come back. I used my last grace and that's okay. You'll move on, I'll move on. Maybe you'll come out of the pit that you've put yourself in, I pray that you do. I pray you find new friends, better friends who love you like I did and still do. I pray that you learn to put me behind you, to forget our middle school years and to move on like they never happened. But I secretly pray that I'll also see you again some day, when a long enough time has gone by that our wounds have healed. I pray that when I see you again, it'll go back to the way it was before. Back before I lost myself. Back before I lost you.
I may move on, but I'm never forgetting you. I'll always remember my best friend, who made my middle school years the best years of my life so far. I'll always remember the times we shared, the laughs we had and the memories that we created. I won't forget you.
love,
your ex-best friend