|✘| swindle v.2 [OLD THREAD]

[ʞ ɔ ǝ ɹ ʍ d ı ʞ s]

Updated -
Chapter nine added [but not finished]

[.:A r i c a R e e:.]

@o@ Oooooooooh. What will be the outcome of this? -musing over this-

[ʞ ɔ ǝ ɹ ʍ d ı ʞ s]

@o@ Oooooooooh. What will be the outcome of this? -musing over this-

More pain for Vin! Lol yaaaay! x] I am a cruel god... This scene was actually meant to be much later but I guess this just kinda happened soo...

[.:A r i c a R e e:.]

@o@ Oooooooooh. What will be the outcome of this? -musing over this-

More pain for Vin! Lol yaaaay! x] I am a cruel god... This scene was actually meant to be much later but I guess this just kinda happened soo...

Hahah, you do seem to like to make your character suffer. Hehe. Oh weeeellll. Thats just too bad.... XD

[ʞ ɔ ǝ ɹ ʍ d ı ʞ s]

@o@ Oooooooooh. What will be the outcome of this? -musing over this-

More pain for Vin! Lol yaaaay! x] I am a cruel god... This scene was actually meant to be much later but I guess this just kinda happened soo...

Hahah, you do seem to like to make your character suffer. Hehe. Oh weeeellll. Thats just too bad.... XD

Weeeeeeeeell I like to think of it as painfully realistic. I dont like it when the mains just win at everything no problem x.x I mean if you run down marble stairs in wool socks, you WILL fall. Its just a fact. And if you cross the Captain of the Obsidian- let's just say he got off easy lol

[.:A r i c a R e e:.]

Yes, if it was unrealistic it wouldnt be any fun to read. xD Haha.

[Silverhart]

I'm enjoying this more then I should. XP It reminds me of an old pirate movie - like the ones with Maureen O'Hara in the 40s and 50s. It has that same sort of high energy, and piratical romanticism. For being so long, it certainly moves along at a clip doesn't it?

Some fun and adventuresome swashbuckling was just what I was in the mood for, so thanks! It's a very fun read - definitely something that would pique my interest if I found it sitting on a bookshelf. Reminds me a bit of my own style of writing in some ways. It read like something I would think up. Great minds, right? XD

Anyway, please keep it up. Even if you don't post it all on here, it seems like it's a fantastic story that should be finished. My only critique is I think it needs more description, especially in the beginning. There were a few passages I felt a little lost or confused by, and the first few chapters felt a bit fast-paced. That's not a bad thing, but for me personally, I would've liked to get to know the characters a bit more in the start, specifically Vin and Scarlet. Perhaps I'm a bit biased, but diving into their heads a bit more, seeing their thoughts, or a bit more interaction with the crew in the beginning would be great. It's little things that really make a character come alive - not saying I don't see some of those delightful quirks in there, just that I think there should be more. That's personal opinion though.
Also when the dialogue gets lengthy in parts it felt like you were relying too much on character's names to identify them. You should try to sprinkle in some other descriptive terms, and avoid the use of too many 'said's and it's synonyms, so it doesn't get so repetitive at those times. Edwin and Warren especially got a bit confusing, as there wasn't much to distinguish the two.

I think my favorite part was the second interlude after chapter five. It just felt like an "ah ha!" moment, where suddenly things were getting pieced together and I realized this story had a bit more depth and backstory behind it then I had originally thought. I also liked the interaction of Scarlet and the Captain. I would like to see her more often with her defenses down. As it is, she seems very quick on the attack. There are so many writers who fall into the trap that they think their heroine has to be aggressive, or aloof or overly tough to be considered strong and to have respect. It's become something of a cliche in recent years. I don't think your character is a cliche at all, and I don't point this out because I want you to change her. I just would like to see more of her other sides, and emotions, since she mainly just seems annoyed at Vin for the majority of the story thus far. XP Granted, he can be very annoying, I'll give her that. But how is she in other situations, with other people? What makes her happy, or sad, or frightened, or deeply moved, or silly, or romantic, or compassionate - and how does she act at these times? What's her relationship with the rest of the crew? With Finnegan? With Thornton? With her brothers? How does she see them? You should show us these things. You've touched on it a bit, but I feel like there should be more to her. You can't just rely on anger or aloofness to carry a character, tempting as it may be (trust me - I've been there myself). The same could go for Vin, although he seems much less likely to fall into the trap. Don't be afraid to give her a moment of emotional weakness; a feeling of doubt, or uncertainty, or even crippling fear when the time calls for it. Or even to just let her hair down and be herself, if only briefly.

Now... I feel like I've derailed a bit. What was I going to say? Oh yes! Awesome job! Keep up the good work. The format is nice, the story is fun, the writing is very good, and you obviously really enjoy your characters and their antics. I know I enjoyed them. ^^ Thanks for sharing! (And if you have any questions about my comments feel free to ask.)

[ʞ ɔ ǝ ɹ ʍ d ı ʞ s]

I'm enjoying this more then I should. XP It reminds me of an old pirate movie - like the ones with Maureen O'Hara in the 40s and 50s. It has that same sort of high energy, and piratical romanticism. For being so long, it certainly moves along at a clip doesn't it?

Some fun and adventuresome swashbuckling was just what I was in the mood for, so thanks! It's a very fun read - definitely something that would pique my interest if I found it sitting on a bookshelf. Reminds me a bit of my own style of writing in some ways. It read like something I would think up. Great minds, right? XD

Anyway, please keep it up. Even if you don't post it all on here, it seems like it's a fantastic story that should be finished. My only critique is I think it needs more description, especially in the beginning. There were a few passages I felt a little lost or confused by, and the first few chapters felt a bit fast-paced. That's not a bad thing, but for me personally, I would've liked to get to know the characters a bit more in the start, specifically Vin and Scarlet. Perhaps I'm a bit biased, but diving into their heads a bit more, seeing their thoughts, or a bit more interaction with the crew in the beginning would be great. It's little things that really make a character come alive - not saying I don't see some of those delightful quirks in there, just that I think there should be more. That's personal opinion though.
Also when the dialogue gets lengthy in parts it felt like you were relying too much on character's names to identify them. You should try to sprinkle in some other descriptive terms, and avoid the use of too many 'said's and it's synonyms, so it doesn't get so repetitive at those times. Edwin and Warren especially got a bit confusing, as there wasn't much to distinguish the two.

I think my favorite part was the second interlude after chapter five. It just felt like an "ah ha!" moment, where suddenly things were getting pieced together and I realized this story had a bit more depth and backstory behind it then I had originally thought. I also liked the interaction of Scarlet and the Captain. I would like to see her more often with her defenses down. As it is, she seems very quick on the attack. There are so many writers who fall into the trap that they think their heroine has to be aggressive, or aloof or overly tough to be considered strong and to have respect. It's become something of a cliche in recent years. I don't think your character is a cliche at all, and I don't point this out because I want you to change her. I just would like to see more of her other sides, and emotions, since she mainly just seems annoyed at Vin for the majority of the story thus far. XP Granted, he can be very annoying, I'll give her that. But how is she in other situations, with other people? What makes her happy, or sad, or frightened, or deeply moved, or silly, or romantic, or compassionate - and how does she act at these times? What's her relationship with the rest of the crew? With Finnegan? With Thornton? With her brothers? How does she see them? You should show us these things. You've touched on it a bit, but I feel like there should be more to her. You can't just rely on anger or aloofness to carry a character, tempting as it may be (trust me - I've been there myself). The same could go for Vin, although he seems much less likely to fall into the trap. Don't be afraid to give her a moment of emotional weakness; a feeling of doubt, or uncertainty, or even crippling fear when the time calls for it. Or even to just let her hair down and be herself, if only briefly.

Now... I feel like I've derailed a bit. What was I going to say? Oh yes! Awesome job! Keep up the good work. The format is nice, the story is fun, the writing is very good, and you obviously really enjoy your characters and their antics. I know I enjoyed them. ^^ Thanks for sharing! (And if you have any questions about my comments feel free to ask.)

Wow, thank you for all that!! <3 I feel the same about the first chapters being a bit fast and confusing... I think its because as I kept going I got a much better feel for it overall and at the beginning I didn't know the characters as well as I do now or have as good of a plan. I plan on rewriting them, but perhaps when I'm done so I know exactly what needs to be changed and only have to do it once. Or rather, with one idea in mind.

My main idea with Scarlet is showing that she's always had an abrasive side, but the point is that wasn't all she ever had. Everything that happened to her at once on top of everything that happened in her past made her shut down. I've been trying to depict her as responding to EVERYTHING aggressively because she has trained herself very thoroughly to specifically not show her other emotions. And that is what Vin is learning. All he knew of her was her killer reputation but the more he talks to Thorton and Sam and Finnegan [the only ones who bother to talk to him at all, for the most part] he learns that she wasn't always like that. That there's a person behind the Captain, ya know? Gail's daughter, Sam's friend, Thorton's love. She's lost touch of that and my goal is for Vin to bring it back out [painfully slowly, mind you, but eventually nonetheless] But as it goes on I think we will see that Vin is no adventurer. He's doing this solely on obligation. I emphasize how lucky he is because he honest to god has no idea what he's doing. He's never been on a ship, or even near large bodies of water, hardly ever left home, knew a safe life with little excitement. And to an extent, he also hides his emotions. I think the development in HIM will be going from perfectly content, to not knowing what he was missing. Eventually realizing he couldn't possibly go back to the vineyard and live the rest of his life without risking it every day. I think when it comes to him, her natural response is to up the anger just because she's been hurt so many times, and even before she was never a fan of anyone getting the best of her. Then here comes Vin, who not only [acts like] he's not afraid of her, but stands up to her.

Sorry I got to rambling lol I have them well thought out now x]

[Silverhart]

Wow, thank you for all that!! <3 I feel the same about the first chapters being a bit fast and confusing... I think its because as I kept going I got a much better feel for it overall and at the beginning I didn't know the characters as well as I do now or have as good of a plan. I plan on rewriting them, but perhaps when I'm done so I know exactly what needs to be changed and only have to do it once. Or rather, with one idea in mind.

That's a very good idea, saving it all to the end. I naturally want to start editing and rewriting everything as soon as I can, when really I should wait until the narrative's completely finished first. X3

My main idea with Scarlet is showing that she's always had an abrasive side, but the point is that wasn't all she ever had. Everything that happened to her at once on top of everything that happened in her past made her shut down. I've been trying to depict her as responding to EVERYTHING aggressively because she has trained herself very thoroughly to specifically not show her other emotions. And that is what Vin is learning. All he knew of her was her killer reputation but the more he talks to Thorton and Sam and Finnegan [the only ones who bother to talk to him at all, for the most part] he learns that she wasn't always like that. That there's a person behind the Captain, ya know? Gail's daughter, Sam's friend, Thorton's love. She's lost touch of that and my goal is for Vin to bring it back out [painfully slowly, mind you, but eventually nonetheless] But as it goes on I think we will see that Vin is no adventurer. He's doing this solely on obligation. I emphasize how lucky he is because he honest to god has no idea what he's doing. He's never been on a ship, or even near large bodies of water, hardly ever left home, knew a safe life with little excitement. And to an extent, he also hides his emotions. I think the development in HIM will be going from perfectly content, to not knowing what he was missing. Eventually realizing he couldn't possibly go back to the vineyard and live the rest of his life without risking it every day. I think when it comes to him, her natural response is to up the anger just because she's been hurt so many times, and even before she was never a fan of anyone getting the best of her. Then here comes Vin, who not only [acts like] he's not afraid of her, but stands up to her.

Sorry I got to rambling lol I have them well thought out now x]

Don't worry about the rambling. I'm a known rambler myself. XP I think rambling can be good. I have sheets and sheets of my ramblings on my own stories and characters. It's a good way to get thoughts and ideas down and in some kind of tangible order, generate ideas, and remind yourself of what's important and needs to be focused on, or what doesn't. I definitely think that's a good plan you've got for both characters (unlikely heroes like Vin who are in way over their heads are always fun to read and write about XP), but don't forget to show this happening to the audience. I'm super big on character, and it seems from your story and plans that it's very important to you as well. It's really never too early to show that character. Even if you want to slowly crack Scarlet's shell, it doesn't mean she needs to be combative all the time. Even if she's mostly combative with one or two characters, maybe the audience can be treated to another side of her. And maybe it's not a positive side - maybe it's a very cold, heartless side, or a calculating, intelligent side; maybe even a lonely, distant side; perhaps even a tired side, as trying to suppress other emotions can be exhausting and frustrating. Or what about when someone does threaten to crack that shell, even briefly, like Alistair, or Thorton? Does she respond with fear, or shut down, or try to evade? There's many ways she could maintain that 'shell' without lashing out at everything. You don't want your character to be responding to everything with aggression and resistance. Readers tend to respond to those characters in the same way. I mean, she does have some nice little moments when she's not, which is great and I tended to like her better in those moments - but they seemed very brief. For example Vin is more engaging, since he responds to situations and people in different, and sometimes unexpected ways. Don't go changing her needlessly, just show us more of what makes her tick. ^^ Show us the three-dimensional character that she is, instead of just the one side.

[ʞ ɔ ǝ ɹ ʍ d ı ʞ s]

Thank you, that is good advice! Another thing I tend to struggle with is knowing if how much I'm giving is the right amount. Like I don't want everyone completely in the dark, but its hard to tell how much hint is enough to give them an idea of where I'm going, ya know? And I see what you're saying, I can probably count all the times she wasn't being defensive on one hand. That's why this fight in chapter nine [which Im rewriting because it needs to reflect this and doesnt because its a lot more difficult than I thought it would be x.x] is supposed to basically make her crack and struggle. It's been obvious that she hasn't snapped his neck yet because he's the key to the treasure. But this fight is supposed to make everyone else question if thats really why because it gets really personal really fast. Of course while both of them are still totally oblivious. Theres a science behind it ya know. Its fact that the pert of your brain that causes hate is so close to the part that causes love that sometimes when the feelings are really strong really fast its hard to tell the difference [as if either of them would spill the beans under any circumstances pfft [actually I totally have a great way for that to happen at the VERY end mwahahahahahaha]]

P. S. Im beyond happy to have someone who will talk about it with me at length lol Ive been trying desperately to get some constructive feedback but everyone is like, na its perfect, nothing to say, I like it like this, whatever you want, etc. [perhaps it should be comforting but it drives me up the wall because Im just like ok guys I dont like some parts as much as I should [as opposed to the parts I love more than I should] so there HAS to be SOMETHING you would change come on x.x]