Tough As Nails Adoption Fan Club (Happy Holidays!)

[Jayfur101]

Can someone critique what I have so far? :3

viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&p=6733882#p6733882

[keydemon]

Can someone critique what I have so far? :3

viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&p=6733882#p6733882

"Lumi was born in on the streets of Finland to a young she-cat named Valo (Finnish for “Light”). Lumi had no siblings, and struggles to survive with her mother, eating scraps of food from trash cans and catching a mouse or two."

Firstly, you should just have "in" or "on". But I'm pretty sure that was just a typo. You also switched from past to present tense, so you should change "Struggles" to "Struggled".

"But then, Lumi decided that she wanted to more than just sit in the streets, eating garbage and scrawny creatures. So her and her mother decided to go into the forest, which was mainly a vast expanse of pines."

Lumi didn't want to sit in the streets? You should explain that Lumi told her mother that she no longer wanted to live there and that's why they moved. Also, "more than sit in the streets" should be "more than to just sit in the streets".

"When Lumi went hunting the next morning, a fresh thin layer of snow had fallen over the pine needle covered ground."

This would be better if it was "When Lumi woke to go hunting the next morning". And it should be "fresh, thin", you need a comma if you're using two adjectives. You also need to use a hyphen between pine and needle, or else it just sounds like you forgot to make needle plural. So it should be "pine-needle".

"“Who are you? What are you doing her?” Said the attacker.
“Hissssss…. Why should I tell you?” Said Lumi fiercely."

Should be "What are you doing here?" xD Also, it would sound a bit better if you put, "Why should I tell you?" Lumi hissed with teeming fury. Or something. That, or, put Hissssss in italics to show that it's a sound effect. Or it just looks like Lumi is actually saying Hisssssss. xD

"He seemed to be pretty well fed and in good shape from the looks of his muscles."

It would sound better if you put "by the looks of his muscles."

You also used yelled and hissed a lot in the conversation between Lumi and Heikko. Try some more colorful synonyms:
Yelled: Called, Cried, Screamed, Screeched, Shouted, Wailed, Snarled, Yelped.
Hissed: Snarled, Growled, Derided, Mocked, Spat, Rasped.
;3

"“What makes you think that?” She replied annoyed."

She responded in annoyance. Would sound better, because you used replied previously..

Another thing is you used "said" a lot, but there are many other words that can be much more descriptive in the tone you're trying to portray. More synonyms:

Said: Meowed, Declared, Told, Stated, Implied, Huffed, Claimed, Mentioned, Retorted, Sassed, Pleaded.

"from the bitter wind"

You already used bitter, try using "biting, severe, intense or stinging."

"Your used to garbage."

Should be the contraction, "you're".

"I’ll show him!"

This should be " I'll show him! Lumi thought in displeasure." To show that she was thinking it.

"It ran forward, right toward Lumi. She began to run, but the do was much too fast for her, and it caught up with her."

Should be dog, Also, you should describe the fear that the characters are feeling. "Lumi's fur fluffed out ten times her original size, her clear, green eyes widening in fear. Immediately she turned and ran, sending a wake of snow after her. Her heart thumped harshly in her chest as she pushed her legs on, but it was all in vain, as the dog was too fast."
Of course, make it your's. It makes the story more interesting and helps the reader feel what the character is feeling.

"Pant….. yeah……” replied Heikko. “You have to be more alert… that dog would have killed you…”
Heikko stood up and shook off the snow and dog fur that clung to him pelt."

"Yeah" Heikko panted from the emergency rescue, Again, panting is a sound effect, people don't actually say "pant" when they're out of breath. x3;;

Anyway, it's a cute story so far, I like it. The character names are very creative. Though, the story is a bit overused, so it would be cool to put in a surprising plot twist of some type. It'd make the story more engaging and exciting. I can give you more ideas if you PM me. Good luck! :3

[nowi]

I don't think I'm going to go for anything this round, nothing is striking me.

Ah, poor Elle...if she's not adopted, I don't know what I'll do with her.

[Jayfur101]

Wow, thank you Ninjutsu for the detailed critique! X3

*Runs off to edit forum*

[MerryEaster]

Any help on mine...?
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&start=4480#p6733170

Its the same adoption as Jayfur's...

[keydemon]

You're welcome, Jayfur, I hope it helped. ^^

I can do your's too Merryeaster, just give me some time, since it takes a while.

(By the way, if I'm too harsh with critiques, just tell me. x3)

[Lirrie]

Any help on mine...?
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&start=4480#p6733170

Its the same adoption as Jayfur's...

Ill look it over later.

[MerryEaster]

Thank you both <3

[keydemon]

Any help on mine...?
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&start=4480#p6733170

Its the same adoption as Jayfur's...

Okay... Well... What can I say? Obviously the story isn't complete, but it doesn't have an engaging plot. There really isn't much going on in the story and you can't see much of her personality. The whole point of writing a story is to show how well you've developed her personality.

Personality: A quiet house cat, who is clueless about life itself, but learns each day by her mentor about the purpose of everything
Likes: Being stroked, fence watching, and her mentor
Dislikes: The neighborhood dogs, falling, and sweets(in the beginning

Okay... All we know about Twilight is she's quiet and innocent. She only likes three things and only dislikes three things. I've heard from Atwood that the forms who usually win the character are the ones where the personality, dislikes and likes are almost as long, if not longer than the backstory. If you want more of a chance, I suggest you develop the character more... Also, throughout the story, she seems very apathetic and cynical... I don't see that in her personality.

Sorry for picking on your for that, but Jayfur didn't have any of that part of the form filled out yet.

Regarding the technical stuff, you realize you have to capitalize "i" as a word, right? Well half of them aren't capitalized, so I suggest you do that.

"The sun rays came beaming down on my fur."

It should be "The sun's rays came beaming down upon my fur."

"I sighed. What went wrong?"

"I sighed." is a fragment, instead, consider combining the two sentences. "I sighed, what had gone wrong?"

"Now, i thought life was pointless. I stared at the ground feeling depressed."

Um, whut? Why is she depressed? I don't really understand this. Is she depressed because her mother died, or does she miss her siblings? You should probably explain this...

"My friendly owner, Hannah, called out my name she called me. "Juliette!""

This sentence is really repetitive... And it doesn't make much sense. Maybe try; "My friendly owner, Hannah, called out my name, "Juliette!" I hated that name, but she was my owner, so I was forced to comply."

""Like, omg. My totally hot bf wont talk to me!" She was blabbering on about."

I realize you're trying to make a point here, but you should still use proper grammar and spelling... Also, won't is a contraction so it needs the apostrophe. Try; "Like, oh, my, gosh. My totally smokin' boyfriend won't even talk to me!" she blabbered on and on. Not that I was really listening." Or something.

"I have been alive for quite some time, and have done nothing for the past years when my mom died."

You should probably clarify this. Was she given away as a kitten? Or did her mother and siblings share the same house with her?

"I layed down and fell asleep, ignoring the funny smelling fragrance."

Layed should be lay. (You spell layed, laid, anyway...)

"I looked drowsily at the eyes and spat at them."

She spat at them? xD Why? Was she frightened? Explain further...

""What do you want?" I asked being very irritated."

Don't use "being", it's an extra word, instead it should be, " "What do you want?" I asked, beginning to become very irritated with this cat." Or something along those lines...

He just shook his head and replied, "oh, im just staring at you" I twitched and fell back asleep."

Firstly, when a new character speaks you have to press ze enter button. When you have a new character speak it starts a new paragraph. Also, you need to fix his dialog, it should be: "Oh, I'm just staring at you."

"Twilight: Umm...im guessing your not leaving anytime soon --stands up-- What do you want
Tom cat: Ha...just wanted to know why your so depressed. By the way, im Adam
Twilight: Well, uh, Adam, you really cant stare at me."

Just... No. You're typing this like they're having a conversation over IM. That's not true is it? So write it like they're speaking to each other.

"Umm... I'm guessing you're not leaving anytime soon." I huffed, rolling my eyes and standing up. "What do you want?"
"Hah... I just wanted to know why you're so depressed all the time. I'm Adam." he smirked, puffing his chest out proudly.
"Well, uhm, Adam, you can't really stare at me like that." I replied, giving him a rather odd look.

Anyway, I hope this helped a bit, good luck. ^^;;

[MerryEaster]

Thank you Nin <3

Im slowly adding things in, and yes, she was taken the the pound after her mother died. :3