*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Cadin Araceli]

Your Love is Blind (Chapter 1)

So this chapter is really short, which is fine but then we have all this information kinda shoved down our throats. There is a wonderful rule to try and follow. "Show, not tell." The reason I say try is that it takes a lot of talent and time to do this. You did very well with the prologue, giving us the background that showed us how the character felt instead of just telling us. I would see if you could go back and re-write so there is less given and more implied. This is also a lot more fun to read, and gee the reader a sense of being in the world with your character. It also allows the writer to expand more without having to add too much more to the story (unless you want to)
Otherwise, good opening paragraph. It sets the mood and gives us the setting, as well as a little about the character

i'm not quite sure what you mean

Like instead of "I refrained from walking anywhere near a shop in fact, in case someone spots me and takes me back to another orphanage that is too full and too crowded to have another mouth to feed." Maybe something like (and I wouldn't take this sentence per say because it's just a rushed example and has my writing style, not yours) "My path strayed a little to close to a shop store, and a scurried around a corner to conceal myself, flashback of a crowded orphanage and a grumbling stomach echoing in my mind and reminding me to be more careful."

[Cadin Araceli]

Tomorrow

I like the song. It flows well and it all fits together well. Until the last part. The song seemed to be more like hope for a unrequited love returned, but the final part makes it seem more like they were just away from a while and already love you. But that could just be me. A saxophone accompaniment would fit well with the theme though. Just be sure not to have the song just be a constant stream of words, especially because you do start with the "chorus". Breaking it up would definitely help with the flow of the song.
That's basically all I have. Just…I would see what you could do for that final stanza or 2.

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

Your Love is Blind (Chapter 1)

So this chapter is really short, which is fine but then we have all this information kinda shoved down our throats. There is a wonderful rule to try and follow. "Show, not tell." The reason I say try is that it takes a lot of talent and time to do this. You did very well with the prologue, giving us the background that showed us how the character felt instead of just telling us. I would see if you could go back and re-write so there is less given and more implied. This is also a lot more fun to read, and gee the reader a sense of being in the world with your character. It also allows the writer to expand more without having to add too much more to the story (unless you want to)
Otherwise, good opening paragraph. It sets the mood and gives us the setting, as well as a little about the character

i'm not quite sure what you mean

Like instead of "I refrained from walking anywhere near a shop in fact, in case someone spots me and takes me back to another orphanage that is too full and too crowded to have another mouth to feed." Maybe something like (and I wouldn't take this sentence per say because it's just a rushed example and has my writing style, not yours) "My path strayed a little to close to a shop store, and a scurried around a corner to conceal myself, flashback of a crowded orphanage and a grumbling stomach echoing in my mind and reminding me to be more careful."

makes more sense now thank you I will edit it as soon as I can

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

2nd chap: (I know it's ahort:(.)
Bae:

I sat, still, quiet, alone. I thought, eccentric, insane, alone. I wanted all the world could give anyone, all it could give someone. Even someone as unwanted, unloved as I. Someone as alone as I. Glancing up at the sky, grey clouds smothering .the burning, prying sun. The flashes of forked lightning and deep rolling voice of the thunder calmed me. A storm was coming but to hide would be rash, no other being lets us riff-raff in, so I sit alone, careless about the upcoming storm. T.he soft pitter-patter of rain cooled my skin as it hit me, rhythmless and cold but even as the rain became heavier and heavier, pounding against my chest, forcing my eyes closed, I refused to move. By the time the rain had let up I was drenched, but I was not cold nor shivering, I felt peacful and calm.

When the sun decided to poke its head out again I still hadn't moved. The bustle of moving people and cars had begun again, ruining my peace. Families passed me, whispering quietly and pointing towards me muttering things like 'don't go near that child' or 'she's dangerous'. They weren't hurtful comments but they made my hunger for love and friendship deepen.

I stayed lying down for what seemed I be hours, letting the sun dry my clothes. Suddenly loud music erupted from a black-window-tinted car that was bursting the speed limit just for fun. A few men jumped out, swaying dangerously with drinks in their hands. The tall bloke tripped and dropped his bottle on the floor, causing the sound of shattering glass to fill my ears. The other man stood laughing hysterically at his friend, until he had laughed so hard that he threw up all over his colleagues unconscious body.

The sight of these two seriously drunk men repulsed me. Temptation filled every part of my body as the renaming man fell to the floor, drunk, covered with vomit and unconscious.

'Steal the car Bae' the voice inside me head urged. One part of me wanted I steal the shiny Toyota but the other wanted be to back away slowly and run. I ran, but not away, I ran towards the car.

[Loѕт Boy]

o-o
|Hey, would you mind critiquing this? In my opinion, I get a little carried away in the fourth paragraph, but everyone I showed it to said it was really good. I just need an opinion from someone else.

[Cadin Araceli]

Where have you gone?

Al thought this poem doesn't have much pattern (beyond general rhyming), it doesn't really matter because it just flows. You're word choice is wonderful and I love how naturally it all fits together.
There are a few spots where it is a little more forced (given away by grammar), and I would suggest reading it over again and seeing what you can do to revise those spots.
And the only stanza that really sticks out is the last stanza. It seems o have less to do with loss, and more to do with acceptance. Which isn't what I gathered from the rest of the piece.
But beyond that, a wonderful piece! I hope to see more in the future ^-^

[Cadin Araceli]

Living a Life of Liesoff site link

It's a good story, but it moves really fast and it doesn't really give much as to why the characters are running. THey are like "Oh my favorite character! I'm going to run away from them and yell no." It would help if you gave us more into what they are thinking, and a little of a before the mess history (because everyone not involved with the role-play is lost in that aspect.) Also, I understand wanting to change view points to give a clearer view of whats going on, but either switch between like two people, or only switch it every chapter. It makes it a lot easier on the reader.
But there is a base for a good story here, just make sure to give us more detail. Detail and character process are wonderful things, even if it's characters most people already know. It's the journey of how this story changes them essentially that is interesting for them to read.
Also, when there is a new speaker, new paragraph. This just lets the reader know what's going on before they reach the end of the sentence (i.e. less confusing)
Keep it up! I would like to see the revisions and the further chapters!

[felis_tyria]

Living a Life of Liesoff site link

It's a good story, but it moves really fast and it doesn't really give much as to why the characters are running. THey are like "Oh my favorite character! I'm going to run away from them and yell no." It would help if you gave us more into what they are thinking, and a little of a before the mess history (because everyone not involved with the role-play is lost in that aspect.) Also, I understand wanting to change view points to give a clearer view of whats going on, but either switch between like two people, or only switch it every chapter. It makes it a lot easier on the reader.
But there is a base for a good story here, just make sure to give us more detail. Detail and character process are wonderful things, even if it's characters most people already know. It's the journey of how this story changes them essentially that is interesting for them to read.
Also, when there is a new speaker, new paragraph. This just lets the reader know what's going on before they reach the end of the sentence (i.e. less confusing)
Keep it up! I would like to see the revisions and the further chapters!

Thanks, I understand and it's actually quite hard to covert the two without it going ascew, I mean, more than it is, I'm trying to get it to a good part, I suppose.. Thanks!

[Cadin Araceli]

You're love is blind (chap. 2)

So there wouldn't be a problem with the length if it wasn't for the fact I can summarize that in 1 paragraph and not leave out any detail. If you're going to focus on something as little as that (the weather), there has to be a reason. This is from your characters point of view. This is their story they are telling us. So why are they so focused on the rain? I'm not saying to cut it out, I'm saying to give it more meaning. A memory or symbolism. Something like that. Especially if you can somehow tie it into her brash and somewhat out of character decision to steal a car (and isn't she only 7? I'm interested to see how that plays out.)
This isn't saying you didn't show more of her character in this section, because you have. Her just remaining still and mute while everything happens unit that final moment shows a lot about her, and I am hoping you include more mementos like this where you don't say something about her personality, but instead you just show us.
Again, I am interested to see where this goes! I can't wait for the next chapter!

[Cadin Araceli]

Living a Life of Liesoff site link

It's a good story, but it moves really fast and it doesn't really give much as to why the characters are running. THey are like "Oh my favorite character! I'm going to run away from them and yell no." It would help if you gave us more into what they are thinking, and a little of a before the mess history (because everyone not involved with the role-play is lost in that aspect.) Also, I understand wanting to change view points to give a clearer view of whats going on, but either switch between like two people, or only switch it every chapter. It makes it a lot easier on the reader.
But there is a base for a good story here, just make sure to give us more detail. Detail and character process are wonderful things, even if it's characters most people already know. It's the journey of how this story changes them essentially that is interesting for them to read.
Also, when there is a new speaker, new paragraph. This just lets the reader know what's going on before they reach the end of the sentence (i.e. less confusing)
Keep it up! I would like to see the revisions and the further chapters!

Thanks, I understand and it's actually quite hard to covert the two without it going ascew, I mean, more than it is, I'm trying to get it to a good part, I suppose.. Thanks!

No problem! And remember, it's ok for it to go askew and trail away from the 'originals' as long as your piece is all together with in itself. And it's the build up to the 'good part' that makes ti great! (I have the same problem though. That's the reason I can't do long stories ^-^)