*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

This is the first chapter:

Bae:

The streets are not as they seem. Winding ever on until one brick wall stops you in your tracks. One. Brick. Wall. That's all I have, spare the clothes on my back for they are hardly in any shape for anyone to call them clothes. Little rags brought together buy a simple stolen needle and thread. People usually think because I steal I could have everything, but I steal to survive, I steal objects that last only a few seconds or hours at most. Things such as cloth, thread, food or tissues. I wouldn't yet dare steal anything from a shop yet, being only 7 and very inexperienced. I refrained from walking anywhere near a shop in fact, in case someone spots me and takes me back to another orphanage that is too full and too crowded to have another mouth to feed. So here I stay, upon the dirty winding maze of streets. The cold stone floor thats serves as my bed is neither comfortable nor clean. Sheets are hard to come by and I can never raise myself enough money to purchase a blanket, no one wants to hire an underaged, underfed, almost under-everything homeless child.

The weather had become hot and the days dragged on and on. I preoccupied myself with the thoughts of winter, the pale flecks of snow sticking in my hair, winter was easy to cope with, I could steal more cloth and bundle myself up but in summer, there are only so many items of clothing you could remove before losing all of your dignity. As the day stretched in and slowly transferred the sun elsewhere giving me the moon to praise for its lack of heat radiation. It's pale white light allowing me to move in the dark, do anything no matter how unforgiving. The night and I were the closest friends. Yin an yang, each others halves. The night is my only friend.

[c a l a m i t y]

Never Again's Poem

After reading this, I am not sure if it a poem or a song (repeating verse) but either way, here it goes.
I like how you tie the whole thing together with the repeating line. It's broken up enough it's not monotonous, and present enough its effective. I would suggest trying to tie it in a little more the changing stanzas, so it's a part of it instead of tagged on (like you did with the last paragraph). I would also throw a stanza or two actually describing the creature (red, blue, furry, scaly, etc) to give us a better picture as to how he looks as well as to what he can do. Also maybe give more like 'stories' of what he has done along with what he is currently doing to give us more to hang onto. That would give the ending more of a bang as well.
But even if you just read it through and decide not to change anything, it is a good poem/song. Congratz.

Thanks very much!

[Fenric]

(I wrote a song... I think. Telling you what it means would take to long, so I'll leave you to interpret it for yourself and go from there. Had to censor this a tad.)

Look up, the stars are spitting
Like cosmic dollar splitting
We're diamond dog bitten
Gold and glitter smitten

Look carefully, it's written
But the words are shy, hidden
Put on the collar, kitten
We're going bar hitting

Signs neatly come to tidal
Red skin swells up to high Hell
Don't stand there, stupid, idle
You must be suicidal

Yeah, I know that I'm entitled
No reason to ever doubt that
Such prophecy, unbridled
But I wouldn't know about that

Crime scenes shakes the sentiment
Heart's beating, swallowed by the cement
Not breathing, air like cinnamon
Hot, seething, break the regimen

Eating flames from lighted matches
Burning up in skin flake patches
Dark and pale in wound and slashes
Glowing like electric flashes

Dreaming of some marble roses
Feeling like nobody know us
Still don't know why God chose us
Wasting, letting our soul rust

Healing is not living
Relieving like a villain
Believing's not filling
The hunger is still killing

Look up, the stars are splitting
Reality and fantasy, both we're skipping
Unravel the fabric of the cosmos
Tripping in the blackness, shaking off the ghost

Blue lips, suckling from the winter
Eclipse, the broken splinters
Unraveling the fabric of the cosmos
Sipping the black ice, slipping off the ghost

Sip the syrup, drink all that you can
Serum of vertigo brand
Closes our throats with a gripped hand
Sits in our lungs like liquid sand

Warming us up with a nuclear flare
Energy from who-knows-where
Let's be honest, do you even care
Down anything that makes nerves tear

Perfect ivory sets the tone
Moonshine, moon shines on it's own
Flirt it, kill it in our bones
Hurt it, rivalry breaks out from our homes

Listen, we can put that past us
Put on some sugar rimmed glasses
Answer if they ever ask us
"Little heart can surely last us"

Feeling sick, full on galactus
Battle ships, go on and blast us
Don't give a damn, we're going Mach Six
Stretch before we do gymnastics

There's our faces in the portrait
Won't be long until we torch it
Glass was full until we poured it
When life sees greed, life rewards it

Look out, the stars our hitting
the earth, as it slowly splitting
Unraveling the fabric of our core
Revealing what we chose to ignore

Red lips, blistering from the summer
Headless, stumbling as the runner
Unraveling the fabric of our core
Reliving memories we chose to ignore

If this is how we want to our life
Drinking poison and rolling dice
Well, let it be, well let it be, well let it be
Collecting leaves of three

Your stunted smile, your studded face
Diamond soul, eyes gone cold, your grace
I wouldn't change, I wouldn't change a thing
But your finger should belong to another's ring

Look up, the stars are wilting
As the moon is slowly tilting
Unravel the fabric of our sheets
The tiny glow in your frozen cheeks

Pink lips, sweetened from the candy
Think it's, such a fine dandy
Unravel the fabric of our sheets
The tiny glow in your warming cheeks

Healing is not living
Relieving like a villain
Believing's never filling
The hunger is still killing

Healing is not living
Relieving like a villain
Believing's never filling
The hunger is still killing

[felis_tyria]

Hi again, anyway, Ive got some courage to do this. The things I would like help on and know whats wrong with are a few fanfictions, thats where my writing started, and i want to improve that before going on.

the link is on fanfiction.net, I would love it to be on here, but lets just say, there are a lot of choice words in it.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9579510/1/Living-a-Life-of-Lies
Im sorry about the link off-site and for bothering you again

[OldManGabe]

Tomorrow


Another day of sadness
Another night of tears
Another week of wondering
Whether you'll be here
But tomorrow, tomorrow,
We'll chase away our fears
Tomorrow, tomorrow
We'll wipe away our tears

I remember your
Dark blue eyes
Filling me up inside
With you, I could truly fly

I wish that someday
My dreams will all come true
And then you'll love me
As much as I love you

Another day of sadness
Another night of tears
Another week of wondering
Whether you'll be here
But tomorrow, tomorrow,
We'll chase away our fears
Tomorrow, tomorrow
We'll wipe away our tears

Why can't you realize?
Why can't you see?
This could be a secret
Just with you and me

I don't care for glamour
I don't care for fame
But it would make me happy
If you'd remember my name

Another day of sadness
Another night of tears
Another week of wondering
Whether you'll be here
But tomorrow, tomorrow,
We'll chase away our fears
Tomorrow, tomorrow
We'll wipe away our tears
Bring my golden chariot
For I have always loved you
And I wish that you could say
That you loved me too

I see the colors of the world
Now that I'm with you
You know that you could
See them too

Another day of sadness
Another night of tears
Another week of wondering
Whether you'll be here
But tomorrow, tomorrow,
We'll chase away our fears
Tomorrow, tomorrow
We'll wipe away our tears

Today was another day
Thinking 'bout our love
Wishing you were here
But this was undreamed of

All I did was think about you gone
When really
I knew all along
You'll be back for me
Back for me



This is my song, Tomorrow. I wrote it for my second album, and I am currently working on a Saxophone accompaniment for it. I have a forum about it too if anyone's interested in helping or critiquing.

[Emo_Angel]

Just thought of this while laying in bed. Thought I'd post. Sorry if it's bad.


Where Have You Gone?

Why did you leave?
Where could you be?
Didn't you once say
that you'd always stay?

Perhaps you've forgotten
My still fragile heart,
And decided to wander
And tear me apart.

Or maybe it was as if by mistake,
My love that you've stolen, wasn't yours to take

Where Have You Gone, Love?
I'm lost in the Shadows
And the dark that I sleep in Is to deep to follow.

You can not find me, pinioned by the sorrow of my awakening mind
My hearts incubator
Is indeed hard to find

Where Have You Gone, Dear?
Where Did You Go?
I can't see colors beyond Monochrome

You've Left me to die
You left me to rot
Maybe it's okay
To think you've forgot

Where have you been,
Why did you leave
My darkening heart has still yet to Bleed

Oh, when, yet again
Shall you See
The dark isn't that hard
to see and Believe.

[Cadin Araceli]

Hey everyone! I realize I have been really sucking at replying. My work just got me on a crazy schedule for a while and it was hard enough to get enough sleep to function the next day..let alone anything else. So I should be able to take care of reading and editing tomorrow and friday!
(And thank you to everyone for still posting your poems and stories for me to edit!)

[Cadin Araceli]

Your Love is Blind (Chapter 1)

So this chapter is really short, which is fine but then we have all this information kinda shoved down our throats. There is a wonderful rule to try and follow. "Show, not tell." The reason I say try is that it takes a lot of talent and time to do this. You did very well with the prologue, giving us the background that showed us how the character felt instead of just telling us. I would see if you could go back and re-write so there is less given and more implied. This is also a lot more fun to read, and gee the reader a sense of being in the world with your character. It also allows the writer to expand more without having to add too much more to the story (unless you want to)
Otherwise, good opening paragraph. It sets the mood and gives us the setting, as well as a little about the character

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

Your Love is Blind (Chapter 1)

So this chapter is really short, which is fine but then we have all this information kinda shoved down our throats. There is a wonderful rule to try and follow. "Show, not tell." The reason I say try is that it takes a lot of talent and time to do this. You did very well with the prologue, giving us the background that showed us how the character felt instead of just telling us. I would see if you could go back and re-write so there is less given and more implied. This is also a lot more fun to read, and gee the reader a sense of being in the world with your character. It also allows the writer to expand more without having to add too much more to the story (unless you want to)
Otherwise, good opening paragraph. It sets the mood and gives us the setting, as well as a little about the character

i'm not quite sure what you mean

[Cadin Araceli]

TaneTane's Song

I love the way this flows, it has a certain style about it that I do adore! But as a song…you've kinda broken the more common pattern (2 verse, refrain (optional), chorus, repeat up to 3 times). Being that I have no idea how this is sung, I cannot say wether or not this works for your song. Though I would say there is at least 2 verses you could stand to lose as they kinda stray from the theme. That is something you'll have to go back an re-read and find.
Stil, the rhyming is effortless and it finds places were it fits together well before it starts to fall about. I suggest going back and giving it a little more of a central theme (I would somehow make it so that
"Your stunted smile, your studded face
Diamond soul, eyes gone cold, your grace
I wouldn't change, I wouldn't change a thing
But your finger should belong to another's ring"
is kinda a important stanza, the kinda of closing to the whole package.
I would also try and have the verses all have the same beat and pattern to is, and the refrain (if you have one) and chorus have a different style (they came be different from each other or the same. That's up to you)