*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Cadin Araceli]

The Apocalypse
Ok, this has a lot of potential, but it's going to take a lot of editing. I think if you put in the work, you could make it work!
First, make sure to always read what you read out loud. Serious. Record it and play it back. It will help you see where you need more detail, less dialogue and more action, where you are being repetitive and things like that. I really hope you do this. Honest. When you are doing that, also go back and fix the spelling errors you have.
You need to give your characters more time to react to whats going on. Thoughts takes seconds in real time and make the world of difference for the reader. I have no idea how your characters are feeling about this. I also have no idea how any of your characters look besides the main character, and then I only have a vague idea. If you have a picture in your head, make sure you paint it with words. You don't need to be super descriptive, but I don't know anything about the dad or the brother. I don't even know if the brother is younger or older. The damage done from the earth quake is something you could stand to describe more, and the neighborhood they are in too. the forest and the weather. All these things. Make sure you don't drop details like that. It's easy to do because you know what it all looks like, but we don't. And adding it in helps us connect with the story.
That being said, don't give us details about people (like their personality) that won't be relevant later. Like the bit you have about the mom. You could just simple have her interact, there is no need to tell us she favors Ben. It becomes obvious without it.
The town gathering could also use more detail, like how many people approximately? Is anyone being super helpful? Also, keep in mind actual limitations, like I have never seen a bag as big as what you have described. And if there a load of people, one person randomly screaming from a dirt hill won't be able to reach everyone.
If you want someone to die, please make sure you have in mind a specific cause, not just a death. Deaths are always supposed to be important. Make sure you don't have it lose importance by reducing the first death of a person to 2 sentences.
But I think just taking a second look and remembering that we need to know a lot about whats going on because we can't see what you can see will really help.

[FruityPieQ]

Thank you. :3

[Cadin Araceli]

No problem

[Fenric]

Can I have critique on this poem? I wrote it some time ago, but I'm trying to get back into writing and what some advice..

The pounding of drums, silence hums
With care, the strings are lightly strung
Keep you words close and on the tongue
The lyrics have been the click of the gun

There's no use in wasting what's already gone
So fill the void with useless song
Fill up the pitcher with words unrefined
And pour them out into mind, to mind

A smile is quicker than a blink of an eye
So hold onto what's yours to hide
Don't let the sunlight steal your gold
or dust off the frost that's kept you cold

A swarm of lies is thicker than mud
And lays unseen in the puddles of blood
Pierce the truth with a sword of steel
And realize that nothing has ever been real

The pounding of drums, silence screams
Daylight looks darker in a wise man's dreams
A reaper comes with out spread wings
Angels are coming to pull up our strings

I wished for hope, and I wished for death
I choked until there was nothing left
Clothed in ashes, I slept in the void
And awoke to see the sky destroyed

Pieces of space dancing in flames
The stars are lost, they have gone insane
The Earth is brushed gently with light
And soon it will all fade to white

Steam rises from our tears
and wraps around our brightened fears
Fire will cleanse our frozen veins
and carry our memories over the flames

The pounding of drums, silence resigns
Noise towers and higher it climbs
Our minds are afraid, but our hearts willing
Life is reborn through senseless killing

Pray, pray, pray, pray
We are the light's prey
Pray, pray, pray, pray
Pray for the dark's day

Lay, lay, lay, lay
Lay down your broken bones
Lay, lay, lay, lay
and sleep in the light, alone

[Cadin Araceli]

sorry, I was really busy today. I'll will give you a full critique tomorrow. FRIDAY AT THE LATEST IF SOMETHING HAPPENS! sorry.

[Fenric]

That's okay, take all the time you want. c:

[Cadin Araceli]

So I'm am not the biggest fan of this style of poetry, so I suggest you also find someone else to critique it who it more used to it
But, I noticed you have a subtle rhyming pattern going on. I like it a lot. Just keep in mind if you have to repeat a phrase or words to make it work, you should consider re-writing the sentence (unless it was like the last two stanzas). It just makes the pattern stick out and that usually takes away from the meaning of it all.
I wasn't able to really find an underlying message or meaning in this, but again that might be just because I am not the biggest fan of this style of poetry and I am not the best at interpreting it.
Still, I liked the language and phrases used, especially "The pounding of drums, silence hums
With care, the strings are lightly strung " "So fill the void with useless song " "Fire will cleanse our frozen veins" and "Our minds are afraid, but our hearts willing"

[Fenric]

What kind of style of poetry would you say this is, and what kind of poetry do you like?
Thank you for your input~

[Cadin Araceli]

It's a heavy symbolic verse poems. I like more prose and usually there is less symbolism involved. They are blunt I the surface and it takes more interpretation to find the deeper meanings.

[Fenric]

Huh, I'm not really familiar with the different styles of poetry, to be honest. I'm sort of trying to find my basis in writing.

I hope it doesn't bother you I'm asking critique for a second poem of mine, and if you don't want/too busy to critique, that's fine and I understand. Would you say this is the same style of poetry as my other one, or a different style?

I'm tired of this life
I'm fragile, at best
These days of repetition
Won't ever stop to rest

I don't think I can take it
This noisy atmosphere
Everyday, it's hard to breathe
It's like I'm not even here

Strange turns in my emotions
Has sabotaged my views
I take another drink
As I read the morning news

My memories are photos
Thin, and paper-esque
Faded from the coffee stains
Abandoned on my desk

I'm tired of this life
It's a killer, at best
These days of repetition
Won't let me get some rest

I take solitary walks
Across my dreadful home
To reach for deadly concoctions
To soothe my tired bones

I could ask for redemption
But my rose is full of thorns
My teeth are bared for vegence
My empathy is torn

I don't believe my feelings
They lie to me too much
It's game for my emotions
And a murder of my trust

If I could change my actions
I would be a redeamed man
But my instincts are savage
I take matters in my own hands

I'll rip the sky apart
'Till I find reality
But for now my eyes are useless
They are too stuborn to see

I'm tired of this life
It's made a killer out of me
These days of repetition
Have driven me crazy

Is there any sense in this
broken record life
These days of repetition
Are like the blade of a knife

I'm cut by indecision
As I take one final blow
These days of repetition
Won't ever let me go