THIS IS NOT A DIARY, IT IS A CACTUS! The Original!

[GizmoTheDragon]

O F F I C I A L _ P A R O D Y

First of all, I would like to establish that THIS BOOK IS NOT A DIARY! I detest diaries because 1) they are too girly and 2) diaries are lame. No one bothers writing their life down in a book. In fact, it's a waste of time that I could spend surfing the internet and doing other quality activities.

So, why do I have a diary I mean book? Well, you can thank my MOM for that one. Stupid parents, always thinking that their angsty, hormonal teenagers need to express their feelings through some other media than the internet. >.> I've decided that, when I become a parent, I am not going to torment my children with that overkill 'over-protective parenting' stuff. I'm just going to be chill and let them live their lives however they want to live them. See? I'd be a great parental figure, and kids love me.

I suppose I should tell you about myself. My name is Karma. (don't laugh at me! I get made fun of all the time because I have a weird name! Everyone in my family has weird names, get over it!) I'm fifteen years old and I'm a sophomore at Avian High. That's a picture of me up there. Sure, I'm not the prettiest dog at school, but get over it, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm awkward, smart, clumsy, and actually a sort of a secret romantic. (Hence the book I'm holding in the picture above.) But sshhhh! don't tell anyone that I like boys. My mom still thinks that I avoid them 'cause I think they have cooties!

Okay, so, meet my weird family.



Mom


Dad

Incase you can't tell, me and my siblings were adopted when we were just little puppies. That's why our parents look nothing like us. Me and my siblings are actually related though. Here they are from oldest to youngest (we were a litter of pups, so we were all born within a few minutes of each other.) :


Shadow (brother) Shadow is one of those typical 'football jocks'. He's sort of a jerk, and his friends are even worse. They're like the army of egotistical airheads. (Sure, they're extremely attractive egotistical airheads, but they're still egotistical airheads non the less.)


Hex (sister) Hex is the smart one in the family, and man, is she a boss know it all! I always end up getting compared to her. 'Why aren't you more like Hex? she always listens to what she's told and is so responsible and bla bla bla bla bla!"


Jet (brother) Jet is a playuh'! I swear, he's dated more girls than I've tripped down stairs. (Trust me, that's really saying something.) He usually has a 'flavor of the week' that he goes around showing off.


Jinx (sister) Jinx is part of the popular crowd, so she pretty much ignores me outside of home and pretends that we're not related.


Comet (brother) comet is the most annoying member of my family. He thinks he's funny, but he's really not. He just runs his mouth all of the time and tried to act all cool, but he's really lame.

Well, that's all I have to say for now diary, bye! ~~~ Karma

HOLY MOTHER OF TOTORO! KARMA IS ACTUALLY WRITING IN THIS THING?!?!?!?!? Ha ha ha ha! What a loser. Oh, and she likes dudes! Wow, I can't wait to tell mom that one ;) - Comet

COMET, GET OUT OF MY DIARY OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! ~~~Karma

Ha, ha. Not a chance, sister. This is way too entertaining. I think I'm going to keep reading. -Comet

I HATE YOU, SLIMEBALL! Now, I'm going to have to hide this diary from my annoying brother. Joy. >:| ~~~Karma

Okay, so this is a parody of your typical pet diary. xD I find some of the recurring clichés in these particularly humorous, so I'm writing this to sort of poke fun at them. This isn't meant to offend anyone, it's just meant to be funny. If you find it hurtful, then you probably shouldn't continue to read it. :)

Table of Contents

I - THIS IS NOT A DIARY, IT IS A CACTUS!
2 - MONDAYS SUCK!!!!11!
3 - LOOK, I HAVE FRIENDS!
4 - NEW STUDENTS, WHAT????!
5 - MY LIFE IS RUINED
6 - OMG, SLUMER PARTY!
7 - THE BEST/WORST DAY EVAR!
8 - ARRRR! I'M A PIRATE
9 - SO MANY PEOPLE!!
10 - O-M-G! I WAS IN A COMA!
11 - OMIGAWSH! IT'S LIKE DYSTOPIAN & STUFF!
12 - THIS IT. WE'RE SCREWED.
13 - PARTY CRASHERS UNIIIIIITE!
14 - AT THE DANCE! (Part One)
15 - AT THE DANCE! (Part Two)
IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!

[Poofycat]

Oooh! I like it! Write more!

[GizmoTheDragon]

I woke up today and realized it was Monday, therefore, I realized that today was automatically going to suck because Monday, being the first day of the week, sucks by default. So, no matter how good Sunday is, Monday must automatically be terrible.

This over-analytical analysis was brought to you by Karma Kanine.

In short, TODAY SUCKED!

When I got to school- no, scratch that, my bad day started when I got on the bus. In fact, I didn't even get on the bus, I missed it. My alarm clock died and no one bothered to wake me up, so I missed the bus. I had to bike all the way to school and, even though I biked as fast as I could, I was THIRTY SECONDS late to class. I WAS SO CLOSE! SOOOOOO CLOSE! The stupid teacher, who hates my guts by the way, gave me a detention. LIKE, HOW COULD HE DO THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I'M LIKE THE MOST SMARTICAL PERSON IN THAT CLASS AND I NEVER GET IN TROUBLE OR NOTHIN'! AW HECK TO THE NAW! (This was my English teacher, bt-dubs. Blame him >.> Also blame him for the D- I have in that class. Blame him, not my extremely crude grasp on the English language.)

You think my day is bad already? The worst in can be? YOU ARE WRONG! My day got even worse than that!

How did my day get better? Well, there's this one girl who has been my enemy for like EVER and I mean FOR LIKE EVER! We've hated each other ever since we first laid eyes on each other. This was how our conversation went when we first met (And yes, I remember every word of it):

BT-dubs, we're going to talk in different colors because I'm too freaking lazy to us quotation marks and add 'he said' or 'she said' or 'I said' onto the end of a phrase. It's SO much easier just to pick up a different pen every time I switch sentences. Seems legitimate, right?
So, I'm going to talk in blue because I have suddenly decided to act like a tomboy because I'm sick of being just 'another girl' and I want to pretend to be different. Serena is going to talk in pink because, as a stereotypical popular girl who is amazingly pretty, she likes pink.

Hi there! I'm Serena and I hate you! -Serena
Wow! Even though we've just met and stuff, I already hate you as well ~Karma
Well, that's just swell! Let's just hate each other form now on, okay? -Serena
Okay. I HATE YOU! YOU JERK! ~Karma
I HATE YOU TOO, LOSER! -Serena



Aaaaaaaand that was how we met. That's a picture of her up there, Bt-dubs. Do you see what she's wearing?! That tool! She dresses like that every day even though it's against the dress code, but she like NEVER gets in trouble because all of the teachers love her! It's SO UNFAIR! If I wore a half-shirt to school, the principal would send me to detention! I'm a social outcast, bt-dubs.(bt-dubs means BY THE WAY. If you didn't know that them you must live under a rock! Loser!)

Anyway, when I walked into the lunch room I was carrying my tray of food and then that nasty Serena stuck out her paw and tripped me. My soup flew everywhere and my shirt was soaked!!!!!! IT WAS SO EMBARESSING.

What did you do!? ~Karma
What are you talking about? I didn't do anything? You're just so clumsy! -Serena
YOU LIAR! I HATE YOU!
What's going on here, girls? -Principal (The principal doesn't get a color because he isn't cool enough.
She reached her paw out and tripped me on purpose as I was walking by! ~Karma
Miss Serena, is this true? -Principal
Of course not! You know me, I would never do that! Karma is always trying to blame things on me so she can get me in trouble! -Serena
I understand completely -Principal
What?! NO! Serena's the liar! She tripped me! ~Karma
Miss Karma, I will overlook this incident, but it would do you well not to lie in the future. After all, I hear you've gotten in trouble just this morning -Principal
But I'm not lying! ~Karma

Then, the principal just walked away. WALKED AWAY! Without even acknowledging me. IT'S BECAUSE SERENA IS HIS FAAAAAVORITE STUDENT. And she's also the MOST popular person in school and EVERYONE is her best friend EXCEPT FOR me and EVERY GUY in school wants to be her BOYFRIEND and YES I AM going on a CAPS RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The worst part was when I was standing back up and trying to get out of the soup puddle........ Xavier walked over.

Hey, Serena, what's up? -Xavier (He's going to talk in red because he's sexy and red is the color of his eyes <3)
Not much, but this loser is still here even though no one wants her to be. -Serena
Hey! Who are you calling a loser?! ~Karma
You. -Serena
Yah, you're such a loser -Isabella (Isabella is one of Serena's blind followers.)
Yah, why don't you just go way and leave us like alone? -Elisha (Elisha is another one of Serena's blind followers)
Why don't you two grow a brain? ~Karma
Why don't you grow yourself some friends? Oh, right, YOU CAN'T!-Serena
Nice one, babe. -Xavier (WAIT, HE JUST CALLED HER WHAT?!!?!)

AND THEN THEY KISSED IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND I RAN WAY TO THE BATHROOM CRYING ABOUT HOW MUCH MY LIFE SUCKS BECAUSE THAT RIGHT THERE ABSOLOUTELY RUINED MY DAY! I STAYED THERE THE REST OF THE DAY BECAUSE I WAS SO SAD! THEN I WENT HOME AND KEPT CRYING AND HOW I'M WRITING IN YOU AND I'M STILL CRYING! :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((



In order from left to right: Xavier, Isabella, and Elisha. I HAVE HAD A CRUSH ON XAVIER FOREVER, IN CASE YOU CAN'T TELL!!!111!!!!1111! I can NOT believe that he's dating that horrible girl Serena! He's supposed to date ME because I've liked him WAY longer!!!!!

See you, diary I mean cactus. I have to go pound my head against a wall and rip my heart out so I don't feel so hurt anymore.

[GizmoTheDragon]

So, diary I mean Journal, I just met my newest friend! AND WE ARE TOTES BFFS EVEN THOUGH WE ONLY MET THIRTY MINUTES AGO?11 LOL! I KNOW! IT'S SO AWESUMMMMMMMMMM!



That's her! Her name is LAYNA and she is TOTALLY AWESOME! And, unlike Serena, she actually wears normal clothes and WHOLE SHIRTS!! We met in detention! (Which I shouldn't have been in anyway, but my stupid English teacher forced me there. >:|) :DDDDDDD

This is how it went: (Layna talks in green.)

Okay, students. I am going to leave all of you delinquents in this room and go watch some soap operas in the teacher's lounge. I trust you all not to cause any trouble, because it's not like you just got in trouble or anything. Bye! -Teacher **walks out**
**sits down at desk and starts reading book** -Karma
Hey, is that a romance novel? >:\ -Layna
Yeaaaah. Do you have a problem with it? -Karma
Oh look! It's the losers! -Serena
???? -Karma (Yes, I can actually vocalize a series of five question marks. I'm just that awesome.)
Loser, that was four question marks, not five. And, I'm only here because Xavier got in trouble and, as his epicalsauce girlfriend, I am supposed to keep him company. -Serena
Wow! So you're the kind of girl who fills in the stereotypical role of a girlfriend that is supposed to cater to her boyfriends needs? That is so passé! It's people like you who are contributing to the stereotype of women being the lesser and 'weaker' gender who are supposed to conform to the wanton desires of their male counterparts! Shame on you! I find your lack of free will particularly irritating! -Layna
***Blushes beet red*** You don't know anything about me! *runs away* -Serena
Wow, those were some pretty good insults! My name is Karma, by the way. -Karma
Thanks. My name's Layna. So, what book are you reading? -Layna
It's called 'Wounded Heart' -Karma
*inspects book* You know, even though this contains the sort of sappy romance that I despise with a burning passion and content that contributes to the degrading of woman-kind that I detested a few minutes ago, I think this is a good book. You're my friend now -Layna
*hugs* OMG! WE'RE GOING TO BE BFFS FOREVER! -Karma
*hugs back* TOTALLY! -Layna

So yah, that's my newest best friend, who can spit out scathing and hip insults in the blink of an eye. :)

((Note again: THIS IS NOT A SERIOUS STORY! xD I couldn't type Layna's 'insult' with a strait face!))

[emoji movie]

ThIS IS AWESOME!!!!!! ( i actually vocalize a series 6 exclamation marks 'cause this is too epic to be true :U XD)

Imma stalking,

[Bebop]

Yes satire.
More cactus please.

[GizmoTheDragon]

OMG!!!! THERE'S NEW KIDS AT SCHOOL!!!! I mean, it's not like it's anything unusual. Just a bunch of new students just appeared. (What? Don't strange children just flock to your school in groups during the middle of the school year? Happens to me all the time.) Anywho, they sat with me at lunch because they were automatically cast off from the popular group purely because they were new. (Yeah, the social cliques are CRUEL!)

So, me and Layna were sitting together at lunch when this one girl walked up and sat with us.


(She talks in gray)

Hi. I'm new, and I'm kinda shy and the other girls don't want me to sit with them, so can I sit with you guys? My name's Hollie. -Hollie
*shrugs* Sure, sit down. I'm Karma -Karma
Wait! Before you sit with us, I just have one question I want to ask! -Layna
Okay.... What? -Hollie
Are you a supporter of women's rights? -Layna
Well..... yes. Y'know, because I am a woman and all... -Hollie
Sorry about her, Hollie. Layna likes to go off on harangues about women's rights, human equality, world peace, and other such important matters. -Karma
WTH did you just use the word 'harangue' in an actual sentence? -Layna (Yes, because a fancy pants word fits in a spoken sentence better than text speak.)
Yeah. Since I'm getting a D- in English and my mother INSISTS that it's my fault, she's encouraging me to use vocabulary words in daily conversations. It doesn't show, does it? -Karma
No, not at all -Hollie
Superb, because I don't desire for various individuals to detect the variation in my speech patterns, for that would be superlatively disconcerting. -Karma
O.O -Layna (Yes, she also speaks in emoticons! Delightful!

THEN another guy walks up....



Hey, I'm Dusk. Can I sit with you guys? -Dusk
Sure. Welcome second new kid! -Karma
Hi. So, you're new too? -Hollie
Yeah, and- -Dusk

Then these two walked up.


Hi guys! My name's Lexi and my favorite color it PURPLE! This is my awkward twin brother Potato. -Lexi
I'm not awkward! It's just my name that's awkward... -Potato
Uhhh, why are you named after a vegetable -Karma
*blushes* Ahhh, I don't really know, actually -Potato
*le-gasp* Karma! Potatoes are not just vegetables, they are TUBERS! -Layna
Great, so I'm named after a tuber. Good to know. :| -Potato
Ha ha! TUUUUUUUBER That's fun to say :D -Lexi

Four new kids in one day, you'd think that would be enough, right? NOPE! THEN THIS REALLY HOT GUY WALKED UP!

Hey guys. I'm new. Can I sit here? I'm a rebel, a bad boy, dark and mysterious looking, and I may or may not be a murderer. My name is Raven. -Raven
OF COURSE YOU CAN SIT HERE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD -Karma
Well, this is awkward. :| -Potato
I would call you hot, but then I'd be giving into the tireless cliché of liking someone based purely on physical attraction. External beauty is immaterial, therefore, I can not say you're physically attractive. My apologies. -Layna
I suppose you're not bad looking ._. -Hollie
DUDE, YOU SEXXXXXY!!!!! -Lexi
This is getting increasingly awkward. :| -Potato
YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN! -Dusk
Awkward times one million. :| -Potato
Dude, I was just kidding. Now, if we're talking attractive, that Layna chick isn't bad loo- -Dusk
*stares daggers* Finish that sentence and you run the risk of losing an eye >:| -Layna
o.o Sorry -Dusk

Oh, so anyway, here's a picture of RAVEN!



I seriously don't know what he meant about him being a social outcast and possible criminal. He seems like a really friendly, kind, warm, loving, welcome sort of guy. He's the kind of guy you want to hug, you know? Just look at that picture! Doesn't he just look like a lamb?!

Seriously, I feel safer sitting within five feet of him than I would in a bomb shelter seventeen miles underground.

You get it? Well, he's my new crush. Me and Xavier were never meant to be anyway. But me and Raven? I can totally see that happening. Our couple name would be Karmven :) Bye!

[emoji movie]

Still here

[Poofycat]

Me too. And I couldn't stop laughing when Raven introduced himself! May or may not be a murderer...best crush ever!

[GizmoTheDragon]

Thanks guys I'm working on the next little... well, I wouldn't call it a chapter. Anyway, the next part will be up soon.