The Advanced Writer's Club

[Artesian]

Okay. I need a bit of help here.
This sentence --

The absolute outrage stitched on the girl’s face shone as bright as the moon.



Is so not a good opening line.
Any suggestions on what to change it to or spice it up a little?

It's also a bit of a mixed metaphor, stitching and shining. What surrounds it? What are you trying to spark in the reader?

[eden .]

in addition to what arty said, the outrage "shining like the moon" doesn't convey the intensity or the rage that I think you're trying to get across. "shining like a moon" gives you this image of something white and bright and pale, but when something like pure ANGER, FRUSTRATION, and RAGE is positively RIPPING across a girl's face, you'll want to use something more aggressive or something more ... red, I guess.

[eden .]

if you'd like.
I personally can't think of an alternative. I'm not very creative though uwu

[Artesian]

So maybe just "Absolute rage was stitched on her face."
?

Well, stitched gives us the impression it was put there. Or calls up images of creases and lines, like she's old, or someone sewed it onto her face, like it didn't belong? I don't know. How about, "The outrage was stitched across her face like it had been woven into her skin, less like an expression and more like a fundamental part of her face." augh the purple prose, it hurts

What is the rest of the paragraph? One trick you might try is to take a whole paragraph to write your opening line, so you know exactly what you want to convey. Then summarize it, then summarize it, and do that till you have one sentence.

[Rolly-chan]

So maybe just "Absolute rage was stitched on her face."
?

If you use "was", it's passive, and doesn't pull in readers as much as using active. Try to find a good verb that fits. And maybe alter the structure and start with "Her face"? I think then you have more options regarding the verbs.
(try to avoid forms of the verb "to be" in general)

What do you want to show with that? What impression do you want to induce? As Artesian said, the impression I get from that description is that the rage is put on by someone or something other than herself, that it's out of place and that she maybe isn't even outraged. Is that what you wanted to accomplish?

[Artesian]

So I've got a problem. I'm at the nadir of my main project. In this chapter, two of my favorite characters have a very hostile argument, my main character feels horribly betrayed, he fails to catch the bad-guy, he quits his job, gives up, and returns to work for people he hates. This is the most depressing and unpleasant things I've ever had to write. It's not even an entertaining unpleasant thing, like a dramatic death or a chilling bit of violence. It's just gray. It's one straight downer of a chapter, in a book that's usually fun and humorous. I've been trying for a few days to write it, and I can't get more than a paragraph out at a time because I have to force myself to write it.

How do you all get through a bit in a story you've been dreading to write?

[Rolly-chan]

So I've got a problem. I'm at the nadir of my main project. In this chapter, two of my favorite characters have a very hostile argument, my main character feels horribly betrayed, he fails to catch the bad-guy, he quits his job, gives up, and returns to work for people he hates. This is the most depressing and unpleasant things I've ever had to write. It's not even an entertaining unpleasant thing, like a dramatic death or a chilling bit of violence. It's just gray. It's one straight downer of a chapter, in a book that's usually fun and humorous. I've been trying for a few days to write it, and I can't get more than a paragraph out at a time because I have to force myself to write it.

How do you all get through a bit in a story you've been dreading to write?

Does it even fit into the story? If your story's tone is light and humorous, you'd break with that tone by including a chapter that's all serious and depressing. That's one thing you don't do. (unless your story's tone isn't all light and humorous).

To my mind, when you have to force yourself to write, when it's no fun at all, that something's wrong with it and that you need to change it. Writing shouldn't be a strain.
So my suggestion would be: sit down, look at what you planned to write, identify what exactly it is that you dread to write, then figure out ways to change that so it at least becomes something you don't hate.

[Artesian]

Does it even fit into the story? If your story's tone is light and humorous, you'd break with that tone by including a chapter that's all serious and depressing. That's one thing you don't do. (unless your story's tone isn't all light and humorous).

To my mind, when you have to force yourself to write, when it's no fun at all, that something's wrong with it and that you need to change it. Writing shouldn't be a strain.
So my suggestion would be: sit down, look at what you planned to write, identify what exactly it is that you dread to write, then figure out ways to change that so it at least becomes something you don't hate.

Oh yes, it definitely fits. When I say the story's tone is light and humorous, it's not all funny and cheerful. There's a break-in, a fist fight, someone's mum going insane and committing suicide, machinations of evil and some pretty scary plots. I have sad bits and scary bits and depressing bits. It also has bits with attack squirrels, silly jokes, ridiculous people and comments about dogs.

I have to write this, somehow. It's a major part of the plot, and after it's done, the story will go uphill again. The weird thing is, I'm perfectly happy writing very dark things. Stuff way darker than giving up on a dream - suicide, violence, hopelessness, slavery, abuse... and it's never bothered me. But this it just. Pleh.

I guess the part I really dread is that I'm taking the wind out of main character's sails. He's a very energetic, determined, and hopeful character. In one chapter, I take away all his hope, crush his dreams, and cut his ties with almost the entire cast. I've got to make it hurt, so when it's healed, it's stronger than ever, but for some reason, I don't want to?

Hmm. Actually, typing this out helped. Thanks Rolly. (Now my sadistic side is returning. Hmm hmm hmm.)

[Artesian]

I seriously am in a rut ;/;
My cousin Lara knows a bunch of people that tie to big New York Industries for publication and agent representations. I talked to her about my current project Limitless - and she said it sounded wonderful. So, this morning, she called me again this time telling me that a woman she was personal friends with, who is also the owner of a publishing agency in Lafayette Indiana, expects me to call her and said that she would be able to give me a contract in October.
Now all of this sounds great, right?
There's only one problem.
Limitless is so not my best project -- nor is it my favorite and I feel like I won't be able to make it better by October.
I really need an editor to crack the whip - but I looked into that several times and the soonest -- and most expensive -- I could have it back by would be December.
A huge door just opened for me: but I don't think I want Limitless to be the first thing out there by me.
I guess it sounds selfish to be complaining when I basically just got taken on by a for real publisher - but I'm having a terrible time deciding what I need to do.
Should I hire an editor anyway? Should I finish my own self-edit and go through anyway?
If I let this opportunity pass I could be a dead man in the water and never go anywhere with my work ;.;

That's a huge opportunity! Even if it's not your best work, it gets a foot in the door and who knows, some people may love it. Arthur Conan Doyle disliked his Sherlock Holmes stories, and preferred his other works to writing the great detective, but writing Sherlock got him the wheelbase to publish what he wanted to publish.

What are you looking to edit? I mean, where are you, overall, in your edit? Still on story and characters, or style, or are you just polishing? I'm happy to look it over and edit it. (Really. And seriously, a wait time of four months for an edit job? o.O That's crazy.) I doubt that a professional editor would be a big improvement over your own self-edit, as long as you're diligent and keep in mind the market this would be written for.

It's also possible that they may get your finished manuscript and decide they want it tweaked. So it may not have to be perfect, just good enough to catch their interest.

[Rolly-chan]

I seriously am in a rut ;/;
My cousin Lara knows a bunch of people that tie to big New York Industries for publication and agent representations. I talked to her about my current project Limitless - and she said it sounded wonderful. So, this morning, she called me again this time telling me that a woman she was personal friends with, who is also the owner of a publishing agency in Lafayette Indiana, expects me to call her and said that she would be able to give me a contract in October.
Now all of this sounds great, right?
There's only one problem.
Limitless is so not my best project -- nor is it my favorite and I feel like I won't be able to make it better by October.
I really need an editor to crack the whip - but I looked into that several times and the soonest -- and most expensive -- I could have it back by would be December.
A huge door just opened for me: but I don't think I want Limitless to be the first thing out there by me.
I guess it sounds selfish to be complaining when I basically just got taken on by a for real publisher - but I'm having a terrible time deciding what I need to do.
Should I hire an editor anyway? Should I finish my own self-edit and go through anyway?
If I let this opportunity pass I could be a dead man in the water and never go anywhere with my work ;.;

I'd also say to go with it. You can make a story you love from the first draft with some editing. Maybe just call that owner of the publishing agency first. I'm sure she'll tell you what you need to submit.
If you want cheap coaching how to revise quickly (i.e. in seven days), this might be what you're looking for. I have bought courses by that author before and she's brilliant. And a brilliant teacher. But even she says that you'll need an editor to look it over.
BUT, I'm pretty sure you don't have to have the whole manuscript revised and ready to be handed in. If you get a contract, you usually have some time to finish the thing.