I was wondering if anyone would be willing to give me some critique on this?
Main characters;
Marisa Smith-Nurse-Young mother of Katrina-pregnant(Dosen't know it yet in this chapter)-28
Theme song-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BsLd4Y0 ... e0W0UupxMh
Katrina Smith-2-theme song-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtkWTnn0 ... re=mh_lolz 
Samantha White-18-Katrina's babysitter- epileptic-Theme song-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnmWwude ... e0W0UupxMh 
Marisa's docter-Theme song-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXIQQ8P ... e0W0UupxMh 
Chapter one;
I woke up to Katrina crying. I quickly got up and rushed to her room. She was laying on the carpet beside her bed.” What’s wrong?” I asked her. “ I fell of my bed.” She told me."My ankle hurts." She said. I picked her up and looked at her ankle. It was very swollen. '' Lets get you to the doctor.'' I said and carried her out to the car. I gently sat her I her car seat and strapped her in. I got in and turned on the car.
-Two hours later-
I got out of the car and picked up Katrina. "Come on, lets go in." I said and walked into the house. " The doctor said your ok but you can't put any weight on it for 24 hours." I said despite knowing mentioning it was pointless. She'll just forget I said it anyways I thought and carried her to the playroom." Mommy can I have my dolls?" She asked me. "Sure." I said and sat her down on the rug. " I want the one with the Pink hair." She reminded me as I grabbed her doll that she had chosen. " I'm going to go make lunch. " I said and walked to the kitchen. I got some bread and quickly decided to make Katrina a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. I quickly made it and decided to test her and see if she would walk on her broken ankle. "Katrina! Your lunch is ready!" I said. " But you said I can't walk on my ankle!" She yelled and I quickly brought the sandwich to her." Good job." I said and gave it to her. " It's time for your nap." I said when she finished. At that moment I heard a knock on the door and went to get it." Hello." I said as I opened the door and saw Katrina's god mother. "Hello Marisa, I came to see if you needed and help with Katrina." She said and smiled." I don't at the moment, but thank you." I said and closed the door.
Katrina obviously heard me coming because she called for me as soon as I aproached the door of the playroom." You have to carry me to my bedroom." She said and I picked her up. "Hurry up!" She whined as I carried her upstairs." Your bossy." I said and put her into her pink bed." Try not to fall off again." I said and went into my office to call the babysitter. After it rang for a while she answered.
"Hello." She said.
"Hello, when will you be here to watch Katrina, I'm already late." I said.
" I'll be there in ten minutes." She said and hung up before I could respond to what she had said. I walked over to the computer and sat down." Ten new emails." I murmed and quickly read them. Katrina called my name just as I grabbed my car keys. I quickly ran to her room and found her reaching towards a doll that had fallen on the floor. She spoke to me as I picked up the doll. "Mommy why are you so sad?" She asked when she saw me frowning. "I'm not, I just miss your teacher." I said. I quickly went back downstairs when I heard the babysitter come in the house. "Hi." I said to her. "Katrina is upstairs sleeping, Her dinner is on a plate in the fridge for when she gets hungrey. Also she is not allowed to walk on her ankle that has the brace on it." I said and left.
~Samanthas POV~
I listend to Marisa and nodded. ''Ok.'' I said and walked to Katrina's room to cheak on her. "Hi." I said when she sat up. "Where's mwommy?" She asked. "She went to work." I replied and lifted her up into my arms." Are you hungrey?" She yawned. ''No.""I want to go outside." She said. ''It's cold out." I said as I put her in her highchair. ''Now here's your supper." I said sitting it down in front of her. A few moments into her eating the phone rang and I got up to answer it. (The next little bit is just her phone conversation but is still in her POV.)
Me; "Hello."
???; "Is this Marisa Smiths Mother or Father?"
Me; "No, they are both dead."
???; "Is there someone that is closly related to her or is able to pick her up?"
Me; "I am."
???; " She is in room 302."
The line went dead and I quickly put the phone on the hook. I quickly picked Katrina up and assumed it was one of her co-workers that had called. 'But why would they call here if SHE was in the hospital?' I wondered but pushed that thought to the back of my mind as I walked out the door. When I opened my car door I realized that I only had Katrina’s old rear-facing car seat. I quickly put her in it and promised myself I would stop and get her a better one at Wal-mart.
The drive passed quickly after we got Katrina’s new car seat. As soon as I stopped the car I got out and grabbed Katrina and ran into the hospital almost frantically.
It is also posted here:
viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1884971