{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } LOCK! NEW THREAD

[MacGyver]

Why! Why can I not think of really catchy, cool sounding names for my main characters!? Something like Alex Rider or Steel Trapp or...Bond. James Bond! Oh wait, that's taken. -.-

-oOo-

“Spion! Hinter ihm her, schnell!”

Sam Denver dodged around the corner of the building just as machine gun fire rang out and he heard the bullets slam into the edge of the bricks, barely missing him. It wasn’t every day he got shot at and was trapped inside a secret Nazi headquarters. Well, almost not every day. Another barrage of gunfire caused Sam to crouch low and run for better cover. The only thing available seemed to be the Major’s staff car. He ducked and rolled to one side of the car, just out of sight of the soldiers. Dirt scattered as more bullets rained down, trying to close in on their target.

His alert brown eyes scanned the immediate area quickly and thoroughly. The wrought iron gates leaving the Nazi headquarters were still open! They must not have had time to send any men down to secure it yet, Sam pondered. There was only one small problem. Lying between himself and freedom were at least five solders armed with pistols and submachine guns. He had lost his own pistol after escaping from Major Deur’s men. There had to be another way out. Same tried to remember the layout of the mansion and grounds that he had been required to memorize for his mission.

And what a mission it was! Infiltrate the suspected Nazi headquarters and gather all the information he could. He had been posing as a Gestapo captain by the name of Erich Roehm. After all, what Nazi would dare question the authority of a Gestapo officer? His alternate identity had served him well for the first two days; but on the third, Major Deur started asking questions. By the looks of things, he had gotten some answers. Same was called to the Major’s office that morning where he was confronted and charged with espionage. That was before Sam had escaped from the two guards who had been assigned to take him to a holding cell.

Bingo! Sam allowed himself a small smile when he spotted the row of motorcycles. He knew for a fact that most of the soldiers on the compound left the keys in the ignitions in case of an emergency which required immediate action. Taking a deep breath and saying a quick prayer, he made a beeline for one of the motorcycles. Again, bullets were raining down seeking out their target; some of them very nearly finding it.

His heart plummeted when he reached the first motorcycle. No key! A bullet pinged against the exterior of the bike and Sam ducked again. He made for the next motorcycle and was rewarded with a key this time. In record time he started it and revved the engine as he aimed it for the gate. By now the others had been alerted of the prisoner’s escape and there were two men beginning to close the gate.

He revved the engine once more and, just as the gate was about to close, squeezed past the shouting guards and sped farther away from the shots that were being fired at him.

I'm not exactly sure where I want to go with this. But here goes.
Any, ANY, critique at all is appreciated since I'm a bit of a beginner.

Please? OuO
Anything at all! Even, "It stinks!" XD

[Rolly-chan]

@MacGyver
I would critique it, if I didn't have two critiques sitting in my neck waiting for me to finish them *cough*
I can tell you some things, though:
It has conflict - Sam is running for his life, literally.
He's a spy, and that's what very much if not most of the story should revolve around. It's also what causes us readers to wonder what will become of him now that he had to end his mission prematurely.
When you tell us what his mission is, it's exactly that - telling. It also seems a bit misplaced to let us in on this information at that time. I doubt anyone in Sam's situation would think about his mission and how it went bump. His senses should be focussed on getting out of there alive, not reminiscing about why he got there.

You should always have some sort of plan where you want to go with the story. I'll quote Holly Lisle at you xD

• No battle plan survives intact its first contact with the enemy.
• Those who have no plan get eaten.

You don't have to have the whole story planned out in minute detail. But you have to at least have in mind what you actually want to write about.

And then... well, I'm from Germany, and I'm one of those who like accuracy when it's about the Third Reich. I don't mind if some facts are turned around or if some twists are added, though.

[MacGyver]

@MacGyver
I would critique it, if I didn't have two critiques sitting in my neck waiting for me to finish them *cough*
I can tell you some things, though:
It has conflict - Sam is running for his life, literally.
He's a spy, and that's what very much if not most of the story should revolve around. It's also what causes us readers to wonder what will become of him now that he had to end his mission prematurely.
When you tell us what his mission is, it's exactly that - telling. It also seems a bit misplaced to let us in on this information at that time. I doubt anyone in Sam's situation would think about his mission and how it went bump. His senses should be focussed on getting out of there alive, not reminiscing about why he got there.

You should always have some sort of plan where you want to go with the story. I'll quote Holly Lisle at you xD

• No battle plan survives intact its first contact with the enemy.
• Those who have no plan get eaten.

You don't have to have the whole story planned out in minute detail. But you have to at least have in mind what you actually want to write about.

And then... well, I'm from Germany, and I'm one of those who like accuracy when it's about the Third Reich. I don't mind if some facts are turned around or if some twists are added, though.

Thank you so much for your time for this!
This helps loads, really. :)
(Oo! I should save that quote from Holly Lisle!)
I've been doing a bit of additional research to add to what I've previously researched on the Third Reich and the Nazi occupations, trying to find something somewhere where I could include Sam into the fray.
I, too, like to be accurate when it comes to writing historical fiction. If there's one thing I don't like about reading, it's reading a book that obviously had no or poorly research prior to writing.
I'll extract the part about the mission and instead, do you think it might be better if I dropped only bits and pieces here and there after his initial escape?

[Yuki.]

Can someone PM me to help me critic on my chapter? It's not too long (Probably the shortest) and i'd just like someone to point out obvious mistakes and any other critic they would like to say ^u^ Thanks!
~Snow

[kavv]

Does the word vent come from the word ventilate?
I am writing an essay that must contain the word ventilate, in any tense or form of the word, and I was wondering if vent would be acceptable.
Thank you,

[Brittle]

Thanks for the support young writers!
I'm super pumped to be your new mod/person who runs thread! ;{D

@Purity; No...I'm not sure. I looked it up but no! Good luck on your essay!

[Huntress13]

Hey Guys, I had a day out today at a Country fair (Don't judge, the right ones are actually good fun). For the first time ever I saw a professional sport called 'Horse Boarding', suprising for me since I'm a huge horse fan but I'd never heard of it before.Its where there's an obstactle course of which a rider takes a horse round at usually a gallop/canter and bit like a wakeboarder, there ia guy on a mountain board (on wheels) behind, if you don't know what the sport is. I felt inspired and in the form of a passing thought, came up with an idea for a book and was wondering if you guys felt it was worth considering having a go at.

A girl, that comes from a horsey family helps her friend every now and again with her horse boarding team, first because it helped her friend out and then because she enjoys being with the horses. There is a guy she likes who is a professional board rider for another team and she really likes him but he's basically a really cool, popular, typical stuck up, player kind of guy that only has eyes for the professional popular girls. Wanting to get noticed she takes on the sport with the help of her friend and her friend's brother. As they go up towards Championship standurd, she gets more noticed by the guy she likes but she and the brother are gradully falling in love without reliesing it themselves, she might end up going out with the player girl and only then reliesing she has feelings for the brother but by that time she's already hurt him. Of course to make things more interesting there will be sabotage, horse gets injured or escapes pen, accidents, parents hating the girl doing the sport since its dangerous, a fight over the girl etc

Does this sound any good or should I just ditch the idea?

[AmberSky.]

Well, a vent is also referred to as an air vent on the wall... which 'ventilates' the room, I suppose.

[Rolly-chan]

Thank you so much for your time for this!
This helps loads, really.
(Oo! I should save that quote from Holly Lisle!)
I've been doing a bit of additional research to add to what I've previously researched on the Third Reich and the Nazi occupations, trying to find something somewhere where I could include Sam into the fray.
I, too, like to be accurate when it comes to writing historical fiction. If there's one thing I don't like about reading, it's reading a book that obviously had no or poorly research prior to writing.
I'll extract the part about the mission and instead, do you think it might be better if I dropped only bits and pieces here and there after his initial escape?

Sure c: I'm always glad to be of some help.
Bits and pieces are just fine ^^ There are several options you have, though. Look at them all before deciding. For example, you could also write a scene before his escape - the one in which he's accused of espionage. Or a later scene of him explaining to his boss or principal. Just don't forget to include some form of conflict into each of your scenes
The most important thing is that it's fun for you. So decide on the one option you think is the most fun or that you think is the best. ^^
Otherwise, the scene you showed us is pretty good.

Hey Guys, I had a day out today at a Country fair (Don't judge, the right ones are actually good fun). For the first time ever I saw a professional sport called 'Horse Boarding', suprising for me since I'm a huge horse fan but I'd never heard of it before.Its where there's an obstactle course of which a rider takes a horse round at usually a gallop/canter and bit like a wakeboarder, there ia guy on a mountain board (on wheels) behind, if you don't know what the sport is. I felt inspired and in the form of a passing thought, came up with an idea for a book and was wondering if you guys felt it was worth considering having a go at.

A girl, that comes from a horsey family helps her friend every now and again with her horse boarding team, first because it helped her friend out and then because she enjoys being with the horses. There is a guy she likes who is a professional board rider for another team and she really likes him but he's basically a really cool, popular, typical stuck up, player kind of guy that only has eyes for the professional popular girls. Wanting to get noticed she takes on the sport with the help of her friend and her friend's brother. As they go up towards Championship standurd, she gets more noticed by the guy she likes but she and the brother are gradully falling in love without reliesing it themselves, she might end up going out with the player girl and only then reliesing she has feelings for the brother but by that time she's already hurt him. Of course to make things more interesting there will be sabotage, horse gets injured or escapes pen, accidents, parents hating the girl doing the sport since its dangerous, a fight over the girl etc

Does this sound any good or should I just ditch the idea?

The same to you. The most important thing is that the plot grabs you and that it's something you feel compelled to write.
Try to shorten the plot of your story into just one sentence. Make it as short as you're able to do. The most important elements of a story are your protagonist and his/her need/goal/objective, the antagonist and the conflict he/she/it poses (doesn't have to be a person), the setting and the part that made you want to write the story in the first place.
For example, I would shorten it to something like:

A horse-loving teenage girl strives to become a successful professional horse board rider to get noticed by her horse-boarder crush, but in doing so she hurts the boy she is slowly falling in love with and runs the risk to lose him entirely.

Would that be something you feel drawn to? Something that screams at you to write it already?
If yes, plan it, write it, finish and revise it, and be happy to have written something you love.

[Huntress13]

(Thank you, I'm a very new writer as you can clearly tell so this has been quite helpful =) Thanks