tbow. wrote:I haven't posted here ins long time, but right now I just need to vent badly.
I hate this school so freaking badly. It's an elite school and I'm "lucky" to be in it but I don't feel lucky at all. I'm only finishing my first year of high school and they are making us write college level papers in 3 major subjects. It's way too hard. Some of the teachers need a lesson in teaching and social interaction with teenagers. I'm so overwhelmed by all the work I have that every time I think of all I have to do I get a horrible dragging weight in my chest. So to escape from that feeling I distract myself with things like anime and Tumblr. So I put of my work and fall behind and get bad grades because they take 10% off work everyday it's late. So a 90 could turn into an 80 in a day. Plus they have this idiotic this thing called PowerSchool, it's basically an online grade book where you and your parents can see each and every grade this thing has ruined my life. My parents hound me for my grades and I'm losing my own freedom because of it. My entire weekend has been scheduled out, hour by hour with what I have to work on for these 3 freakin papers.
Honestly my life isn't that bad, I'm not abused, we have quite a lot of money, I'm in this elite school. Everything should be fine! So why am I so sad? I used to smile all the time, I still do but there's no point. My mom asks me why I look so sad and I wonder how she dint notice sooner, and if it's so weird for me not to smile all the time. Do I have to be happy all the time? It's like I've set a personality for myself early on and now that I change slightly people think I'm weird or depressed, they ask if I'm okay. Is it so hard to imagine that I feel anything other than happiness in this glorious pile of crap that is my life right now? Because apparently its impossible for them to imagine. But I'm selfish, I want people to ask how I am but I reply with the same "I'm good!" everytime. If I don't want to be bothered people ask and I get ticked and snap at them then regret it horribly after. I want to be noticed by the people I hang out with, I want them to see I'm not okay, I'm sad. But I don't want them to pry into my life at the same time.
Frankly I hate it here. I want to back to Canada where I have real friends that are happy to see me and acknowledge my existence, my mom have me the option of going back to live with my dad in Canada. But I know he's bad on money and health and I don't want to put any strain on him, and it's always been just me, my mom, and my brother. But these last 3 years we finally moved in with our step-dad (parents split when we were really little) and I can't imagine living without my mom. Plus I know that if I graduate from this school I could get just about anywhere. So the only reason I stay is I just keep telling myself; think of the benefits, think of the benefits.
But I feel like I'm going to suffocate here, I'm too much of a self-conscious coward to break away from the group of "friends" I hang out with for fear of being alone and people looking at me weirdly for being alone in this shool where "everyone is friends, no one is left out". I'm so afraid of so many things, I'm getting more and more paranoid of things.
I really have a good life, I have everything a lot of people need and want. But I'm just so sad, and I have no reason to be.
Thus ends my rant, sorry for the post. You don't have to reply if you don't want to but thanks if you read it.
wow... Thats a long rant there...
Sorry if I don't say something corresponding to all of it, I did read it all, but I don't know the answers to everything.
*gives chu hug and a kitten who licks your hand and falls asleep in your arms*
That is good that you keep saying the 'remember the benifits' thing c:
And when you are feeling the homework is way to hard or you've had enough of it, just go listen to music or read or eat a cookie, and just let your mind rest for a couple minutes, then take another swing at it.
As for wanting to move back to where you're real friends are, I understand that completely. I used to live somewhere farther north than I do now, and I had about 4 friends, but I knew that those friends and I would never get into arguments and if we did, we resolved it peacefully. But then we moved. I was devistated and p*ssed off. But I did meet new friends, of course, but I never stop thinking about my old ones.
But a couple girls in my class taught me something.
Their best friend moved to the other side of the country because of her dad's work. They made the best of their last month with their friend, and when she left, they weren't devistated.
They understood and knew that they had to let her go.
So they remember her, yes, they will never forget her, but they let her go. They don't get sad when her name is mentioned, they can talk about events including her easily.
So maybe you could try to do the same thing. Not to forget your friends in Canada, but face that they are in the past. To remember the memories with them in it fondly, not sadly.
I hope things get better for you <3
And remember, you go through bitter to get to sweet in life, so after all this blows over, something good will happen <3
my name is fae and i use they / them pronouns. 
