by Evolia Redmoon » Sat Apr 13, 2013 5:45 am
Its kinda weird talking about this. Because it's mostly just describing the outline of a picture that you don't plan on coloring in anytime soon. But I feel as if I need to start somewhere with this huge, difficult block of mine.
I guess it kinda started with I lost a few friends. Well, they weren't really friends. Not my definition, anyway. When I think of the word friend, I think of loyalty and understanding the person as well as accepting them for who they are. These people were just really social. I guess I got that confused.
Well, anyway, when these friends dropped one by one out of my life, I started to think in ways I never noticed before. Sure, it gave me more time to understand these were parts of my true identity, not just the same clownish face I automatically put on with my companions. And they weren't necessarily negative, they were just kind of hard to accept at first. But once I did, I understood why I would feel depressed or just helpless at times. I discovered my real problems.
Well, along this path of finding more of myself, I also start noticing the real reality of whats going on around me. I start becoming more judgemental of my own family, because by now my friends are either long gone or people I just can't bring myself to even label them as such. The more I observe my position, the more I realized how much of an outcast I really am. I discover the people I know aren't what I thought they were.
I can't tell the whole issue, per say. It's very explosive, and deep down. And its, dare I say, complicated. I'm not trying to make it sound dramatic. But its the only thing way to describe what I feel. I feel at the moment like a Nuclear weapon of some sort. Like if I'm just tapped the wrong way, I'm going to explode and a lot of people are going to get seriously hurt. Not physically, but emotions are going to start showing up and people's feelings are going to be mauled to death. My thoughts of them are scathing and morbid. I can barely think one good thing about them. Its like I hate the people who raised me and those I started to trust. Sure, when I was growing up I would notice people's faults, like most of us do. We don't say anything because it's not really an issue. But this is unreal. This is blind hatred and not caring what this person feels in the end, so long as I'm heard for once.
Not just that, but I also feel more alone than ever. I feel like I'm part of something that's dying and going to be swept under the rug where eventually it'll be pulled back up years later, shrivelled and dead, and there's only going to be 'Oh good lord, what's this? Throw it away!' and it'll just be moved somewhere else to continue non-existing.
I want to let someone know. But it's so hard. It's so hard because I feel like I must have a lot of trust for anyone I can fully explain myself to. Someone who knows me well enough to understand that I'm trying to make real sense of it all as well and that I don't really want to bottle this up. someone just anyone really. And even then I'm terrified of having that person or people I've given trust to actually listen. I'm scared to not get it all out and end up hounding them with the constant problem because I was too stupid to take my time and solve this problem in one sweep. But I don't have that. So I'm left on my own to fix this problem.
Don't get me wrong. I've had these strange mix of intense feelings and these searchings to see if there's others who felt my same pain. People who are like-minded. But I've never had the urges to harm myself. it may be hard to believe. I've read books about actual teens and even adults going through intense emotions like serious depression and cutting themselves or wanting someone to beat them. Its not like that with me. I don't have urges to take it out on myself, and even if I hate the people I'm around now, I don't have urges to hurt them physically either. In fact, like I said, all I really want is for them to know how I feel is all. But then again, if they knew, things would just change for the worse.
I guess the sum of this is that I feel like I'm misunderstood, downtrodden, hopeless, and unsolveable. And that there's nothing or no one in this world that can accept me or even try to understand. Again, its like I'm some huge outcast or outsider and I'm trying to find someway in. Not popularity. But just have someone go up and go 'Well you're not crazy' or 'You're not in this alone. There's a place for you' kind of thing. But so far there isn't and I'm just doubting what I feel has ever been experienced before. This can't be teenager problems. This can't be insanity. It's just complex. My gut tells me there's nothing wrong with my mental health. Its more of an emotional problem if anything.
I might've said more than what I bargained for, but its fine. I feel better just posting this here and letting other people know. I don't need hugs, I just need proof this was here SOMEWHERE and know somehow someone read this. They don't even have to comment. Putting this here, I know there's a possibility. And that's all I need to feel way better.
Thanks to you guys who made The Comfort Corner. You've done your jobs well.
♡
