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[nutella ♥]

I'm very surprised this doesn't have more comments. It bothers me how most stories on CS are writen by not-serious writers who are only doing it for fun and they receive dozens of pages of comments, while other stories writen by serious authors who put a lot of work and effort into them get nearly no comments.
Oh well, writing isn't always about the comments. C: anyways, I look forward to reading more, as always. I'd also like to find out who Juniper is. XD

[Charias]

Yeah, I completely agree. It's sad to see how the really good stories are so often ditched because people are too busy reading the ones that are quick and just wrote for fun. I used to write just because I wanted other people to comment, but now I'm writing because I want to write and I don't really care if people read it or not. I'm kind of thinking of getting this published if I finish it...

Juniper's not really a main character in the story, at least not at first. I've been thinking of ways to incorporate her into the story a lot later on, but I'm still not sure.

[nutella ♥]

Same here - although it's always nice to know others are reading it. Encouragement helps me a lot, I tend to give up to easily. XD
Yeah, I guess. Maybe her grandmother or a family friend? Because all we know right now is that she is an old lady who came into her house and gave her some mysterious leaves... XD

[Charias]

B u m p

[Abissh]

For chapter one: I will read the rest after class :3

Ok! So I've noticed a few things:

A few minor grammatical errors.

so quickly that now her head was acheing

This word is spelled, "Aching." :3

Worse that fear, worse than even the purest hatred,

"Worse than fear,...."

Then something new; a shadow, cast overhead, like a storm but not a storm, with a cry like thunder but not thunder, and piercing amber eyes.

This sentence confused me a little bit? Also the sentence doesn't seem complete.

The door swung open perilously loud; she wondered for a second whether it would be audible to her brother in the room next to hers, but, content after a moment of waiting unyeildingly to hear his bed wheeze under his weight, she reasoned that he probably wouldn't hear her over his snoring.

This sentence is pretty long. Maybe cut it into two?

Many a beast had fell at the bite of it's arrow.

This is my most common grammar mistake. The...it's. I know this sounds right, but this is the contraction for "It is." Its would be the word you want. :3

Not only was it a gift from her mother and father, who had died when she was too young to even remember their faces; she had grown up with it - it was with that bow that she had learned archery, and with it she had killed her first buck, and it remained the only bow that she would use, for it would never fail her.

I'm starting to get that it's common for you to use large sentences, but I would try to stray away from sentences that have a lot of commas and colons in them.

Outside the moon was full and shrouded in a cloak of thin clouds, and a brisk breeze drifting from the north danced in her long hair.

There should be a comma after Outside.

Impatiently he watched her unlock his stable door, and it swung, creaking, as he wandered out half-heartedly.

There should be a comma after Impatiently.

She retained a healthy respect for them: she would not stray too close, and if she saw them targetting the same prey as her she would let them have their chance, for their lives depended on it much more than hers.

I feel like thee should be a comma in between "her" and "she."

She crouched low to the ground and, now silently, crept forward; though there was still no sounds that suggested her quarry was close by.

It should be "there were still no sounds"

She had came back to her senses, so now she had a choice: keep hunting, or go home.

"She had come back to her senses..."

A few seconds ago it would have been an easy decision, but now her rational mind had regained control it seemed a waste to have came so far for nothing.

You should either put a comma between "control" and "it", or put a "that" in between "now" and "her."


Do they use saddles for the Alryn or do they always ride them bare back? I'm just asking because I know riding a horse without a saddle is rather painful. XD


Wow that was really good! I was very interested! This is such a nice story and it is beautifully written! I am eager to read more ^^

[Charias]

Thanks for that! I knew there were a bunch of grammar errors in there, but I could never really figure out what they were. I'll go and fix them pronto!

Oh, they ride the alryn bare back most of the time - I guess it is pretty uncomfortable. They don't usually ride them for any long periods of time though.

[Loftwing1022]

The grammar aside, this price is very detailed and sets a strong mood. I admire your ability to make the sentences flow and yet it is still easy to read. If anyone deserves recognition, it is you.

[Abissh]

Thanks for that! I knew there were a bunch of grammar errors in there, but I could never really figure out what they were. I'll go and fix them pronto!

Oh, they ride the alryn bare back most of the time - I guess it is pretty uncomfortable. They don't usually ride them for any long periods of time though.

I see! I totally told you I'd read the rest yesterday but I forgot D| I'm going to copy and paste the chapters to my computer so I can read it in the car ride today :3 I may not get back to you until sunday.

[Charias]

That's okay, thank you!

I'll probably start rewriting chapter three tomorrow... unless I continue to be lazy. It shall be done eventually.

[Charias]

B u m p