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The Great ME! wrote:*heaves a sigh*
I'm really, and I mean REALLY, tired of pretty much every adult that I know, parent, teachers, etc. belittling my anxiety problems as nothing more than an excuse to be lazy or get out of doing what I don't want to do so I can do whatever I want.
They THINK they know what's really going on and have me all figured out which isn't the same thing as ACTUALLY knowing
It's not about just "not wanting" to do something, I can't, and I mean REALLY CAN'T focus on most things that are expected of me because the constant harrassing and pressuring to do them makes me anxious to the point I can't even FORCE myself to do something.
Everyone acts like "Oh, you just didn't try and decided to goof off instead, then just blame anxiety" but they don't see it when I stay up days without sleep, trying to get SOMETHING done and unable to even make myself take in ONE FREAKIN' SENTENCE OF INFORMATION to the point of tears, or how being around too many people makes me start shaking uncontrollably and making me feel like I'm suffocating if I don't leave or shut myself off from that and escape into drawing or writing or something else that isn't expected of me that helps me to de-stress.
They don't know about how much I have to fight with these terrible or disgusting thoughts going through my head constantly, or exactly how close I feel to just breaking down and saying "Screw it all" for the last time and not even bothering to try anymore. Even going to school for 8 hours, then coming home, riding 8 miles to and from work, only to work 2 hours, TRYING to be responsible, and all my parent can talk about is how I'm basically a lazy good-for-nothing because I didn't do dishes or laundry on top of that when I get home the same day and am freakin' exhausted.
Even trying to find a freaking councelor or therapist or SOMETHING to help, they all call back saying "We don't have openings now, call back in a few months" or some other thing that makes it literally impossible to get help unless you're one of those people about ready to throw yourself off a building or something instead of preventing it from getting to that point in the first place, because you aren't "Priority" and you don't have a crap-ton of money to pay them out the ass with.
I am really just so freakin' sick of it all. It would be nice if any of them actually listened to anything I have to say, but what would I know? After all I'm just a lazy bum destined for failure that just makes up excuses, obviously I'm just a hypochondriac or make up illnesses to get out of doing work when I'm only 3 credits away from graduating, right?
I just...
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*flips table*
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