I really like your idea. I have never heard this before or anything remotely simular. It is original and that is awesome!!!!
Okay Critique time.
First Prolouge:
Very well written and very descriptive!
I couldn't find any errors with the sentence structure
or grammer.
Second Prolouge:
Her mother, Sophia, wore one identical, except that her dress came down to her ankles,
while her father, James, wore a tunic of the same material, and pants.
I would split this into two sentences. Right after ankle.
A clear blue, with hints
of green and grey lines dashing in between the blue. On some days, her eyes appeared blue, but on
others, green, or grey.
Seems kind of repetative.
Otherwise it looks awesome!
Chapter i:
The only place she felt free. Inside, the young girl felt tethered, trapped, held onto the earth by the sheer will of others. The bonds of the government and their laws held her fast. Ah, but outside, all that open space! Although she only saw them once, she knew they were out there. Stars. When the power had failed during a rebel attack, they had smiled down on her, beckoning her to them. Her parents awoke, doing their daily morning routine, and Irene sat in her bedroom, watching the city come to life. The people, they were what roused it from its slumber. Without them, what was the city? Cold steel trying to mimic the mighty mountains that surrounded it. Visitny was nothing without its inhabitants. Opening the un-shatter-able glass windows that surrounded her seat, Irene sat on the sill, feet dangling out into nothingness. Well, there was a ledge some ten feet below her, but the girl suspected that it wouldn’t hold her weight, and wasn’t willing to try something so stupid. Knowing her mother would be upset with her for trying something adventurous, Irene slunk back inside her room, leaving the windows open.
It had rained the night before, she could tell from the general freshness and rebirth the air seemed to radiate. As Irene walked to school, she couldn't help but notice that the sun was shining brightly, despite the clouds that had invaded its sky during the dark hours. The light glistened off the buildings in a blinding fashion, casting dancing spots to worm their way through the full canopies of the trees. She stooped to pick up a twig and edge a drowning worm onto it. Irene couldn’t bear to see anything in pain, and she was sure that even as small as it was, the worm could feel the puddle filling it’s lungs with water. And though that couldn’t feel good to the worm, helping the life-form did improve the girl’s already normal day.
Compared to your other paragraphs this seems to be gigantic. It also changes topics twice. Maybe add a break after were I underlined. It seems like the place it should break up.
The day passed rapidly, Irene’s mind was elsewhere and she hardly paid any attention to her lessons. History went by fleetingly, as if afraid of her. Chemistry and Biology ran through with hardly a backwards glance. Thinking of Ben the entire time, her mind elsewhere.
Again slightly repetative.
But otherwise I was very impressed with your writing and I can't wait to read more. Hope the critisism helped!
