The Advanced Writer's Club

[eden .]

>> I've got like 10 short stories here, and I'd like really appreciate any critique at all on the thread on any of them.
>> you don't have to read them all. just even one would be amazing ;u;
>> and you can post on the thread there. it'll make the critique/comment easier to find. c:

>> edit oh also if any of you read "alexander/ra" on here before it was taken down, the very last short story is almost like an AU kind of deal where alexander doesn't meet the end that he does. ^^

I read the "Mentality: Part one" story...


With a shuddering screech that trembled through the slick stone floor and vibrated through my bones, the thick iron door boomed shut. The last shaft of white light disappeared from my bare, bony ankles.


I think those two sentences are too adjective heavy. It makes it hard to read, and in my mind doesn't really flow. I understand that you want to describe the environment, but I think it's too heavy



My previously inaudible whistling from my nostrils sounded like a shrill beacon.


The my - my repetition sounds strange when I read it, maybe change it to "The previously".



I crashed onto the ground, my head knocking back into the wall and my shoulder scraping down against the wall.


You have another repetition here wall-wall, maybe change that too. :3 "scraping down against it", for example.



I scrambled to my feet and shot in the general direction of where I thought the door was


Shouldn't that be "shot off" instead of shot? Otherwise it makes it sound like she has a gun, but that doesn't make sense in the context.
...
Just my two or three cents - my opinion, in any case.
:#

woop a doop ty I'll make those edits ~

>> I've got like 10 short stories here, and I'd like really appreciate any critique at all on the thread on any of them.
>> you don't have to read them all. just even one would be amazing ;u;
>> and you can post on the thread there. it'll make the critique/comment easier to find. c:

>> edit oh also if any of you read "alexander/ra" on here before it was taken down, the very last short story is almost like an AU kind of deal where alexander doesn't meet the end that he does. ^^

;n;
What on earth do you have against Alexander? D:<
WHYYY.

You made me cry again.

Okay at least it was a different ending. I honestly don't know which one I would prefer.
They're like both saaaad. And the song fits it so well, but gosh I'm still crying.

success

dude I hate alexander. he's such a brat.
ahaha yeah the song fit quite well. I don't choose songs for stories. I choose stories for songs. alexander and alexandra happened to be a good fit for this song c:

I actually like the original ending -- especially the ambiguity of if it was him or if it was an accident. heh heh ... ^^''
although I do have my own personal idea of what happened

dude but the two of them are not meant to have a happy ending I am not allowing it nope

[abandoned.]

>> I've got like 10 short stories here, and I'd like really appreciate any critique at all on the thread on any of them.
>> you don't have to read them all. just even one would be amazing ;u;
>> and you can post on the thread there. it'll make the critique/comment easier to find. c:

>> edit oh also if any of you read "alexander/ra" on here before it was taken down, the very last short story is almost like an AU kind of deal where alexander doesn't meet the end that he does. ^^

I read the "Mentality: Part one" story...


With a shuddering screech that trembled through the slick stone floor and vibrated through my bones, the thick iron door boomed shut. The last shaft of white light disappeared from my bare, bony ankles.


I think those two sentences are too adjective heavy. It makes it hard to read, and in my mind doesn't really flow. I understand that you want to describe the environment, but I think it's too heavy



My previously inaudible whistling from my nostrils sounded like a shrill beacon.


The my - my repetition sounds strange when I read it, maybe change it to "The previously".



I crashed onto the ground, my head knocking back into the wall and my shoulder scraping down against the wall.


You have another repetition here wall-wall, maybe change that too. :3 "scraping down against it", for example.



I scrambled to my feet and shot in the general direction of where I thought the door was


Shouldn't that be "shot off" instead of shot? Otherwise it makes it sound like she has a gun, but that doesn't make sense in the context.
...
Just my two or three cents - my opinion, in any case.
:#

woop a doop ty I'll make those edits ~

>> I've got like 10 short stories here, and I'd like really appreciate any critique at all on the thread on any of them.
>> you don't have to read them all. just even one would be amazing ;u;
>> and you can post on the thread there. it'll make the critique/comment easier to find. c:

>> edit oh also if any of you read "alexander/ra" on here before it was taken down, the very last short story is almost like an AU kind of deal where alexander doesn't meet the end that he does. ^^

;n;
What on earth do you have against Alexander? D:<
WHYYY.

You made me cry again.

Okay at least it was a different ending. I honestly don't know which one I would prefer.
They're like both saaaad. And the song fits it so well, but gosh I'm still crying.

success

dude I hate alexander. he's such a brat.
ahaha yeah the song fit quite well. I don't choose songs for stories. I choose stories for songs. alexander and alexandra happened to be a good fit for this song c:

I actually like the original ending -- especially the ambiguity of if it was him or if it was an accident. heh heh ... ^^''
although I do have my own personal idea of what happened

dude but the two of them are not meant to have a happy ending I am not allowing it nope

i wanna finish reading the story ;~;

[eden .]

boop c:

[wolfie.]

;n;
What on earth do you have against Alexander? D:<
WHYYY.

You made me cry again.

Okay at least it was a different ending. I honestly don't know which one I would prefer.
They're like both saaaad. And the song fits it so well, but gosh I'm still crying.

success

dude I hate alexander. he's such a brat.
ahaha yeah the song fit quite well. I don't choose songs for stories. I choose stories for songs. alexander and alexandra happened to be a good fit for this song c:

I actually like the original ending -- especially the ambiguity of if it was him or if it was an accident. heh heh ... ^^''
although I do have my own personal idea of what happened

dude but the two of them are not meant to have a happy ending I am not allowing it nope

Fine I'll just pretend they have a happy ending. I can't stand the sadness.

Omg my sister just got home and I was still crying so she thought something was wrong. And then I started laughing because I thought that was funny, but it sounded like I was sobbing so that made it even worse. I still have a tiny ounce of pride so I'm not going to tell you the rest.

I'm so pathetic. -__- My sister thinks so too.

[abandoned.]

boop c:

haha, I love you o3o
i'll make it a point to read a chapter or so everyday ^-^ i'll have to bookmark it on my kindle after i get home x.x
we should talk more -.-

[crescent + cheep]

[what would you guys think of genetically modified, flesh-eating locusts made by rebels who want [something] and say they'll effectively give the government the product that will kill the locusts, but it turns out that they haven't got one in the end.]
[Or a hopscotch gone wrong. Like there are kids playing hopscotch and suddenly one falls through a chalked square and dissapears.]
[Or a mysterious suicide, which would start with an account of a character of a slide, which is where they found the dead girl, on the deathday of the girl, where people of the neighborhood come and throw petals over it to remember.]

@ asian
I should read that story of yours.
I should write more.
I should be in bed now.
I shouldn't think of all of this gory horror stuff that appeared in my head.
I should be studying physics.
I shouldn't be writing this.

[eden .]

Fine I'll just pretend they have a happy ending. I can't stand the sadness.

Omg my sister just got home and I was still crying so she thought something was wrong. And then I started laughing because I thought that was funny, but it sounded like I was sobbing so that made it even worse. I still have a tiny ounce of pride so I'm not going to tell you the rest.

I'm so pathetic. -__- My sister thinks so too.

>> still kinda proud
>> dude I think it's hilarious how much I hate alexander, though. He's one of my characters but I really don't like his personality. and while you could argue that I do a lot of bad stuff to him, I think most of the bad stuff happened to a character that I liked: Alexandra. so it wasn't that I was abusing him because I disliked him. I just really dislike him as a person.
>> am I, like, insane? like, I have this other character that really annoys me because she's so reserved and militant, but I still play her anyways in roleplaying. I don't make her like an idiot, and I roleplay her relatively easily, I just would hate her if I met her IRL. .-.

boop c:

haha, I love you o3o
i'll make it a point to read a chapter or so everyday ^-^ i'll have to bookmark it on my kindle after i get home x.x
we should talk more -.-

>> ahaha, you don't have to do that. although, the parts are relatively short. if you miss a day, I'm sure you could easily read 2 per day. I'm not kidding, each part is like 1.5 pages.


>> oh btw if you guys could take a look over this piece I wrote for a competition and tell me where I could polish up, I would love you 5ever.
>> and TITLE IDEAS would be awesome
>> the competition is here if you're interested. the prompt is "write about a love that is dangerous". everyone was going for gay love is dangerous or like there are violent things happening so I tried to take it in a more subtle direction but I won't say anything more because I don't want to influence you guys too much
>> you guys should enter, too! ouo

@ asian
I should read that story of yours.
I should write more.
I should be in bed now.
I shouldn't think of all of this gory horror stuff that appeared in my head.
I should be studying physics.
I shouldn't be writing this.

>> I've made at least 2-3 people cry and it's realistic fiction so idk if those are indicators as to if you want to read it but yeah I would love it if you read it! the more pairs of eyes that look at it the better. I'm hoping I could publish this or the next nanowrimo I write. ^^''

[crescent + cheep]

[coor=#e8007c]>[/color]> oh btw if you guys could take a look over this piece I wrote for a competition and tell me where I could polish up, I would love you 5ever.
>> and TITLE IDEAS would be awesome
>> the competition is here if you're interested. the prompt is "write about a love that is dangerous". everyone was going for gay love is dangerous or like there are violent things happening so I tried to take it in a more subtle direction but I won't say anything more because I don't want to influence you guys too much
>> you guys should enter, too! ouo[/list][/list][/size]

@ asian
I should read that story of yours.
I should write more.
I should be in bed now.
I shouldn't think of all of this gory horror stuff that appeared in my head.
I should be studying physics.
I shouldn't be writing this.

>> I've made at least 2-3 people cry and it's realistic fiction so idk if those are indicators as to if you want to read it but yeah I would love it if you read it! the more pairs of eyes that look at it the better. I'm hoping I could publish this or the next nanowrimo I write. ^^''

Not sure - I am not a huge fan of realistic fiction, but I'll give it a go.
I wish I could take part in that contest, but unfortunately, I am European. So yeah.

[abandoned.]

@asian: I would join the contest but I dun have time ;.;
i'll try to read this story also c:

[eden .]

ty guys you're like the best /crai

@mercy: dude that's so dumb. they should open it up to all people ... although I guess since the prize for this is publishing in an american magazine, it makes more sense, but like they do that for all the other contests too /: