The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[euro22]

I would like some critique on my form please!
Username:
Disco Pulse

Link to your form:
viewtopic.php?f=53&t=1398770&p=41748342#p41748342

Adoption Agency you are applying for:
JBDs

Deadline for your form:
Monday

Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM?
PM please :3

[spooky;]

I would like some critique on my story please!
Username: Bad Moonlight
Link to what needs critiquing: In my siggy. c:
What is it: Dream journal.
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either is fine with me. c:

[mahouras.png]

Bump <3

[white . horse]

I would like some critique on my form please!

Username:
white . horse
Link to your form:
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=352084&start=2660#p44187616
Adoption Agency you are applying for:
Break Of Dawn
Deadline for your form:
The code drop just happened and adoptions just opened. I don't think there is one yet~
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM?
Here, please c:

[Jericho]

Working on Critiquing everyone. Will try and be more active now.

[Jericho]

Subject: The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

I would like some critique on my form please!

Username:
white . horse
Link to your form:
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=352084&start=2660#p44187616
Adoption Agency you are applying for:
Break Of Dawn
Deadline for your form:
The code drop just happened and adoptions just opened. I don't think there is one yet~
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM?
Here, please c:

Good day!
My name is Foxtrot but feel free to call me Fox, I will be critiquing your form today. Please remember nothing said here is personal this is based only on your form and my experiences. I have won over a dozen characters from adoptions centers so I have an understanding of what they are looking for to announce a winner.

Very nice main title. I like how you used a set color group that matches the colors of the character. Though you may want to consider changing the font to something I little simpler, taking into consideration that some judges find fonts like this to be 'messy' or 'space fillers'.

Name:
If I owned this beautiful creature, I would name her Lilac Woods. I picked this name becuase her coat color makes me think of lilacs.

Obviously because she is purple! Lilac Woods seems like it flows nicely together.
Gender:
She would definitely be a mare. Her color scheme looks female to me.
Species:
She will be a Quarter Horse and Percheron cross. Her body style in many of these pictures and revamps that she has gotten make me think a draft horse and quarter horse.
Number/Image:
This pretty girl is in kennel #67.

The running photo of the character is very well placed in this section of your form. It draws in the readers attention quite nicely. The titles for each section seem to blend in a little to much and I would recommend maybe editing that a bit. This problem is easily fixed by underlining it to create a division in the post.

Judges like white space. See how my writing has many spaces and divisions? That is white space. Try spacing out your post more, a quick press on the 'enter' button will fix this problem. White space makes sure your reader does not get bored and doesn't 'skim' your post.

Another recommendation would be to continue the color scheme you had in the title. Making all the titles like lilac colored.

Remember, you want to make your form believable. Make them think that you know this horse will be yours. Make it seem like the horse already belongs to you. This can be achieved by changing things like "She will be" to "She is" or "If I owned her" to "Her name is".

Why Do You Want It?
There are many, many reasons why I want this mare. First off, I was browsing the kennels to see if there were any eye-catching horses that I could call my own one day. Lilac's amazing color popped out from all the rest of the pets in the kennels. All of her pictures were well colored and well drawn, especially this animated version of her to the left of this adoption form. Also, her blue mane makes her body brighter than lights, and she's really truly amazing. I would like her also because she would make a great addition to my horse herd, an I bet they will accept her as one of their own. The purple spots on her haunches and near her eye are very unique, and that is another reason why this pretty girl is one of a kind. She's breathtaking and it would be a gift if I owned this mare.

Nicely written! I didn't see anything that could be changed in this post other then a small spelling mistake.

to my horse herd, an I bet they will accept her

Should be changed to "to my horse herd, AND I bet they will accept her.

What Will You Do If You Have It?
Well, the first thing I would do I make art! Her amazing color makes me want to sit here in my bed with my laptop and draw every striking feature of this mare. And I will too. Also, I will play her in many RPs, so she gets know around CS, hopefully. And as I said before, I will put her with the rest of my amazing horse characters, but she will be the most special horse char that I owned. Also, I'll try to order art from other people so that she will have so much art that I will explode! Haha, hopefully not. Lastly, I will make sure that she will not be ignored, that she won't just be "one of those horse charries". She's a special mare that deserves all my love.

Again very well written. A few spelling mistake/errors and that's it.
1. "I would do I WOULD make her art!"
2. "So she gets KNOWN around CS"
3. "but she will be the most special horse char that I OWN"

Very nice use of this picture as well.

Personality:
Lilac Woods is the total opposite of what her name might suggest. She looks as if she would be nice and calm. But she is hyper and funny, and mostly crazy. Lilac has a great group of friends, and they are just as crazy as she was. When she was just a little foal, Lilac had no friends, and she that was true because of her color. Now, she let herself out there instead of secluding herself from the horses that could become her friend. When you first meet Lilac, she is very shy and doesn't really want to talk to you. After you open yourself up to her and tell a little bit about yourself, Lilac is smiling and happy. She loves to tell stories, especially about her family and experiences she had in her life. Lilac loves to fight. If she was a human, she would be a black belt in karate. She loves all of the punches and kicks, and she's quite feisty, so don't get on her bad side. She also loves to eat. Her friends always describe her as crazy, feisty and always eating something. It's pretty bad when she's hungry, which is not often. She will turn into a little crazy devil, and will hunt for food. Besides her many quirks, Lilac is sweet and caring, and will help you with anything, even it seems really silly. She doesn't care.

Well done! This personality is very descriptive but not boring. You did a great job of grabbing the readers attention.
Only one error here!
"and they are just as crazy as she IS"

History:
Lilac had a very good life for her first few years of life. She was born on a large farm, and every horse was cared for very nicely. Her mother died when she turned 4 years old, and then Lilac Woods was sent off. She didn't know where, but she missed her friends and family. Luckily, she went to a new farm, but this new farm was small and cold. The farm didn't feel like home, it felt like a torture place for horses. She met the family, and they were very happy for her and she seemed to take a liking to the family. The family was a widowed woman with three children, all boys. The boys would always fight over who got to ride lilac first, and she would roll her

eyes and bite the one who she wanted on her back first. The three boys, ages 15; 13; and 7, loved her very, very much. They all signed a contract that stated that they would never, ever trade or sell Lilac for anything. But that would change when the first boy, named Freddie, went off to college when he was 18 and the other two, named George and Dean, were 16 and 10. Freddie didn't care much for horses, and George and Dean begged him to resign the contract so that they're friendship would last. Then, Freddie told them that the family was selling Lilac Woods because Freddie needed the money to go to college. Lilac was sold the next day, but to a huge farm where none of the horses were cared for. George and Dean cried for days and days, they missed they're giant Quarter Horse/Percheron cross. Lilac didn't get any food or water for several days and was on the brink of death at the new farm. She was scared that she wasn't going to make it, and she prayed for death to come soon. Then, as if it was a miracle, the farm went out of business and all the horses were sent to the auction house. Lilac was auctioned off many times, but there were no takers. She stayed at the auction house for 3 days, without one word about her price. Then, one gloomy, pouring day, I came down to the auction house to see if any horses that needed love could come home with me that day. I saw poor Lilac Woods out of the corner of my eye, and she looked back and nickered. The man selling her was delighted that I even took a glance at her, and that I petted the half draft. She rubbed up against me and the man was so grateful that he gave me Lilac for free. I was delighted, and the mare became my best friend. I nursed her back to health slowly, and she became a great dressage horse. I love her very much, and she will always have a stable in my heart.

This history is very nice but I find it is too....basic. I recommend that you add more detail or extend it a bit. Maybe add some more information on what happened in between? What did she feel during those three days at the auction house? Was she scared? Or worried? Why wouldn't she sell? Why did the farm house go out of business?
These are all questions that can extend your form a lot and bring it to the winners circle (or code drop XD ).

Other:
Theme Song: "I Love Rock 'N' Roll by Joan Jett. I think it represents me, a lot. I love rock and roll music."
Favorite Food: "Radishes, they're spicy and pretty. I love them."
Least Favorite Food: "Oranges. They're just all around gross."
Favorite color: "Purple! Its may favorite color because its the ribbon color I loved the most, even though I won mostly blue."
Least Favorite Color: "Brown, its the color of my poop. Gross."
opopopop

Very nice touch, I like how you added a little more info here. Two hints that would make it better?
1. Change the size of the code word to 3, this will make it disappear but it'll still be there.
2. Maybe add a link to her theme song? Some judges like listening to the song, it helps them get the feel of your form if you know what I mean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope this critique helps and good luck!
~ Fox ~

[Papyrsatyr]

Updated the front with some minor changes to the forms and how they work so they can hopefully be more useful.

Also thank you foxtrot for taking the time to review a form, even if it's probably long past the date of it's use.

[Jericho]

No problem. I apologies for being so in-active. Life has been busy. I will be keeping up with all posted forms/stories/etc from now on.

[Papyrsatyr]

No problem. I apologies for being so in-active. Life has been busy. I will be keeping up with all posted forms/stories/etc from now on.

Trust me I understand how life can sneak up on you. Glad to have you back.

[CalicoWolf]

I would like some critique on my story please!
Username: CalicoWolf
Link to what needs critiquing: viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1016056&hilit=Gazette&start=20#p44738077
What is it: October Issue of The CS Gazette. Its our comeback issue with a newer and neater layout and many new staff members...
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either, but i'd probably see it better in PM, but I will check here too.