by FeFe » Sat Nov 03, 2012 5:50 pm
Dear Father,
I really begin to wonder if I should even give you the pleasure of calling you that. I wouldn't even know where to begin with how much you destroyed us. I may have been too young to remember when you left us the first time, but mom took you back (lord only knows why, some say she still loved you) and you turned around and did it again. Except this time, you cheated on her with another woman. On top of that, you fed us lies to try and turn us against mom. How could you? Leaving a note on her desk and taking almost all your stuff... did you honestly not expect us to see that when you knew we'd be home before her? Why couldn't you tell us what you did like a real man, instead of going behind everyone's backs, cheating on the woman you were married to, and destroying your children? I know it's been many years since this happened, but every day... it still plagues me, it still makes me angry and upset at what you did. And your still hurting us. You won't see it... you never did. We were always the failures, the mistakes, the ones at fault. You were perfect in every way and nothing you said was ever wrong. Like I said, I don't even know where to begin... you've made so many wrongs. And using foul language on you, no matter how much I may want to, will do me no good. As it is, you wouldn't even read this, you'd see I was "complaining" again and just toss it in the trash, or tell me you don't care how I feel again. I believe that was truly the last straw for me. Telling me what I had to say didn't matter. Heck, I was still doped up from getting back from the hospital; at least I was kind enough to call and tell you what happened. But you didn't care... you never cared. All those times I remember us hanging out... they haunt me now. I wish I could take bleach to my mind and just forget you completely. I wish I could erase it all; how much I idolized you, how much you were a role model to me. All those times we spent together, father and daughter... I wish I could erase it all and pretend you never existed. To pretend you were nothing more than a sperm donor who's records were lost in some accident by some office. But instead i'm stuck with all these memories. And no amount of therapy, medicines or telling me how much they shouldn't bother me is going to stop them from assaulting my mind.
I want to shed tears right now, but to be brutally honest, I can't. Yes, my bipolar kicks in and goes, guess what, no point in crying over that poor idiot. And I can see you right now going I don't have bipolar and all the other mental issues i'm told I've got. But guess what, I do, and their all because of what you did. After you left... you broke me. You broke my heart, you crushed it under your boot. You destroyed your oldest daughter. And yet... after you left and broke the entire family, it was I who took on your responsibilities. I protected the family, even if it wasn't obvious. Even though I was broken inside, I did what I could to keep them together. And it destroyed me even further. I had to grow up so fast that it mentally destroyed me.
But things didn't stop after you left. You couldn't have just left and been out of our lives. No, then you had to raise hell for mom and ruin our lives even further. First you tell us it was our fault you left and that you didn't want us, then you try to turn around and take us away from mom saying she was a bad mother. I know I was stupid back then, but dang it, you were even more stupid! Yet the courts foiled your "plans" at least for a little bit, until you bribed them. You were court ordered to see us one weekend a month AND have us all summer. You never kept up with that, and even less as the years have passed. Yet no matter how often mom went back and fought for more money to keep this family afloat, because you bribed them, she never got what she needed. Working a minimum wage job and having to take care of 4 children at the time... do you honestly think that's possible!? If you said yes to that, your even more stupid than I thought (and I think your pretty dumb to begin with). And yea, I have every right to call you names, no matter how childish they may be. You say you don't have the money to pay for child support, yet you could somehow afford that trip to Disney Land with your new wife and her son? You say you don't have enough money to come visit your two sons once a month, yet you had the money to buy a brand new home? I'm glad mom only has 2 kids left at home, it's easier on her, at least a little bit. And yet you never get caught. You ran away from this state to another to outrun state laws that you broke, and the fact that you have committed fraud to the federal government. You should be in prison, yet your still walking free.
There's still so much. How about the time you threw my youngest brother across a room because he wouldn't eat his breakfast? How about all the times you threatened to throw us out windows to teach us a lesson? How about all the broken promises? How about the fact you hate the man i'm with? Or perhaps that you lied to us and told us you loved us? And now you have a new family, which you tell us you love them more than us, and because their willing to be your little robots while your own flesh and blood want to have minds of their own. Your turning your back on us for being free and not slaves. Well, I should say 3 of the 4 of us are free. You corrupted my only sister, and she's completely blinded by you. She's turned against this side of the family because of the lies you fed her. And yet I can still remember the night you threatened to kill her and her boyfriend for one mistake they made and how we rushed out to rescue her. Like I keep saying, I can see it all, and I see it all the time. I can never get free. I know I've completely cut you out of my life; you have no idea where I live, my cell #, or what's going on in my life. I deleted you from my email and instant messengers, blocked you on Facebook and removed you as my father (as far as i'm concerned I don't have one) and tell everyone who asks about you that you don't exist. I've completely disowned you, and yet I still hurt. Right now my blood boils thinking of it all, and I wish I could set fire to you and your wife and her son and your new life. And I honestly wish you could understand and finally SEE what you've done and feel remorse for what you did. But you haven't yet and I never see that happening in the future. I could go on, but what good would it do? By now you've probably tossed this in the trash or, if you've made it this far, your probably laughing and showing it to Dixie telling her i'm mentally screwed up. Just remember, your the one who made me what I am today. You have no one to blame but yourself. And even though I may wish for you to rot in the deepest pits of heck, I also hope that one day you'll realize the mistakes you made and attempt to come begging for my forgiveness; even if you never get it. I will never forget the pain you caused, but perhaps I can finally move on with my life and marry the man I'm engaged to. Your the one who will be missing out on everything special that goes on in my life from now on. Your the one who will suffer for the remainder of your days. May you finally see your mistakes and attempt to repent for them.
Sincerely,
Your oldest daughter,
Amanda
I'm sorry for the length. But it would be longer if I was really going to send this to him. There is much he has to make up for.
